Not much is new; just taking one day at a time. Once again, virtually every interaction with W seems loaded for confrontation as she looks for any hook for a battle--and the second I hint at any disagreement with her, she immediately accuses me of treating her like dirt and being emotionally abusive.
I thought I got a handle on this and let this stuff bounce off me, but my sporadic snooping set my mind off again as I encountered a name from her workplace in an e-mail that struck me as odd. I put the name in the back of my head, but it came back again as W took a weekend off to go to Vermont skiing with work "friends." Now, I know this can be innocent, but I've read to much crap on this board about such trips to set my mind in the wrong place. So, to top this off, she gives the kids (not me) a phone number to reach her in case her cell phone was not working. My son passed the number along to me--and naturally, I dialed and found it belonged to the man whose name I had come across. Ugh!
I was just about to go out and buy an infidelity detection device, but TKCC1 talked me off the ledge yesterday before I commenced a long downward spiral into the abyss. TKCC1 reminded me that there is nothing I can do, don't necessarily assume the worst, and even it is, she has to live with it--not you. And again, to repeat the most important of all, there is nothing I can do about it.
That put me in a better frame of mind and I went about my business in a better place. But this morning, W struck again and I was not prepared for my best DBing.
I had taken home some papers on a very sensitive political matter that I had worked on several years ago, but is heating up now. The papers were confidential memos I had written on alleged criminal activity by another person and I have shared these with about three people in nine years (my W was probably included years back). In any event, W saw the memo and asked if she could make a copy. I hesitated wondering what she would do with copies and finally said, "No. These are highly confidential and I don't want to share them with anyone."
Now, this is a perfect example of how I should avoid W at all costs in the morning, because my mind is not sharp in my first hour. The right answer would have been, I'd really like to share what is in here, but I'm uncomfortable making any copies because this is very sensitive. Maybe we can sit down and talk about the issue when we have time."
Well, my actual reply set off the powder keg which is my W and she started accusing me of being high and mighty and keeping things from her solely to exercise control, and just another example of me treating her like dirt, and what did I think she would do with the memos.
She was half-yelling and woke up two of our kids. I asked her to keep it down and she refused saying it was okay for the kids to hear how bad I treat her. I guess at this point there was no explanation that would calm her down and she continued saying that this showed what I thought of her and that my mind was sick in thinking that she would want to do anything with the memos other than understand the issue. She continued that I was the sick abusive one who looks at all her computer files, seeks ways to intercept cell calls (huh???), and generally treats her as someone I cannot trust (I have told her previously that I don't trust her on certain matters--again, another example of how a single word used one time (justified or not) will become a cemented portion of the bill of particulars against you. She then asked if that was what I was learning in RCIA--not to trust her.
In any event, I knew I could not change her mind, but I tried soothing language and said I can see how she feels that it is how I am treating her, but I hope she can respect that I have boundaries on issues of importance to me and that unfortunately, our sitch has caused me to be very guarded about my actions with her. I didn't expect to her respond positively to this, but there is value in staking your boundaries and letting her know that the path she is following has consequences for our R--regardless of whether or not she seems them as controlling. In fact, IMHO, not all forms of control are bad if they are really more about you taking your like back. But, I can only imagine the firestorm when I retake full charge of my earnings and household finances.
This just really sucks, but the more convos I have with other men who have gone through D's is to stick to my guns and do not leave the house unless I have a written deal that works for me. So this will continue to be my cross to bear until something breaks.
On the plus side, things continue to go well with the kids and I even had breakfast with the kids and W's parents after Church while she was in Vermont. W can try and demonize me all she wants, but I know this is more about the demons within her than about me. So I'll just keep on keeping on.
