Greetings from LIWAW Central and as always, thanks for visiting.
I'll start this post by saying my head is swimming. There are so many thoughts about W, kids, religion, Dbing, other DBers, relatives, money, litigation, etc. It is just astounding how much energy is spent on a broken M before we ever get to our jobs and other issues in our lives. On the bright side, all that chaos just brings me closer to God as the true path to happiness. And for that I am thankful.
DB Coach Laurie Call
My call with DB Coach Laurie really did not uncover much new, other than a comforting sense that I was not doing anything exceptionally wrong--which has value in itself.
We talked a lot about W's ongoing anger and my suspicion that a lot had to do with her feeling of being trapped and my setting of boundaries. Laurie felt, however, that if I had the fortitude to withstand her wrath like days and could maintain the boundaries I have established (e.g., no talks in front of kids, offering talks outside the house where there was greater safety to speak, speaking peacefully with one another, etc), then if staying in the house with my kids was my goal--keep on plugging on.
As for the kids, she stressed trying to avoid any signs of blame and to tell the kids the truth in as gentle a manner as possible. For example, when we don't do things together, simply tell them "Right now, mommy and daddy can get along better if we do things separately," and try to use a positive message if you can, such as I still love you and your Mom (SIDENOTE: D6 said the other day, "Daddy, it sounds like Mommy really hates you." I answered, "It does sound like that, but when people are upset they sometimes say things that sound mean. That's why it's really important to try and be nice to people all the time).
Laurie sounded more reserved on separating finances on tried to pin me on my goals. If it was truly about meeting budgets, was fair, and not about spiting W, then it was less problematic, but Laurie understood this would not be well received. From my standpoint, being in a fault state, it would not be something that would push us over the edge, so I was ready to try something new. I'm not sure if Laurie was convinced, but she didn't make a heavy effort to stand in my way.
As for the borderline syndrome, Elie, like you, I'm not sure she saw it as such, although some of the attitudes and reactions were there. She did say, however, that if a key underlying concern of borderlines is abandonment, then I've really shown I'll put up with anything!!!
At bottom, however, the DB Coaches seems to support intact families as best for children if you can keep them shielded from the more acrimonious aspects of disagreement. Not perfect, but better.--and I'm maintaining that goal. Apart from that, keep my distance and look for ways to affirm when available.
Thanksgiving
It was 18 years ago on Thanksgiving that I first told W I loved her. This year, I spent it away from her (it is always with her family), but with my parents. Her initial reaction was, "You're not going to spend the day with the kids?" But I spent 60% of it with them--just not dinner. To show where W's mind is at, when I joined her entire family for another gathering two days later, she asked how I could show up and look everyone in they eye and smile after all I'm putting her through! Which is a nice segue into...
Loving Detachment
In a book called The Four Agreements, one agreement mirrors "Don't Believe What They Say," but more accurately labels the attitude, "Don't Take Anything Personally," both praise and criticism. Basically, when another person speaks, it is about them, not you. (In my view, if it really is about you, they'll hit a chord any serious DBer would recognize). I have really taken this to heart and it has helped immeasurably in truly listening to what W has to say without thinking about what does this mean about me--because it does not! I hope I'm making sense, but it has allowed me to look at W more like any other human being than an adversary and at least for now, has noticeably shifted my own vibes in my interactions with her. Hopefully, this will continue.
Divorce Complaint
I am aware through various channels of my wife's advanced preparations for filing a D and her expression to others to do this as quickly as possible. In tracking my W's interactions with me, I have learned that there are three leading triggers for her worst behaviors: 1) increased exchanges with OM; 2) speaking with her attorney; and 3) pressure from me or her family. I think last month's sustained negative attitude resulted from ongoing meetings with her attorney and the realization that her case against me was no slam dunk. This had a double whammy effect. First she had to build animosity to go forward, and second, she got even madder recognizing that this still might not be enough. Just recognizing this and accepting it for what it is as opposed to taking it personally has gone a long way in giving me a blasé attitude toward the whole adventure.
RCIA My biggest intellectual and spiritual hurdle remains being faithful to the Church I am entering on the sacrment of marriage and how to manage a marital breakdown (e.g, remarriage, annulment, ) for future Rs. I think I know what Jesus teaches, but there is definitely some leniency in U.S. priest if not outright defiance of seemingly clear standards set forth in Rome. I guess one of my crosses is to continue to struggle with this as I advance in my journey of faith.
That's all for now. Things remain well with the kids and RCIA is bountiful exploration of God and the human soul. My best advice for the religious is: Learn your faith. Many doors of peace will be opened, even if you need to battle storms to get there. Be good everyone; I'm going to bed!
) for future Rs. I think I know what Jesus teaches, but there is definitely some leniency in U.S. priest if not outright defiance of seemingly clear standards set forth in Rome. I guess one of my crosses is to continue to struggle with this as I advance in my journey of faith.
