The last two weeks have been among the worst my W has behaved in the past six months. While not as harsh as she has been in some of her worst blowups, she has been as consistently angry and as nasty as she has ever been. I can barely breathe without a getting critical response and even the simplest questions about daily household matters are answered with another question or an edge.
I was expecting her to file weeks ago, and then wondered if she was backing off. But just yesterday, in a discussion on finances, she confirmed that she owed her attorney money and was going forward with her D complaint because I was unwilling to negotaite a separation--which in her parlance means Merrick goes and Merrick pays.
Moreover, S10 and D9 are clearly becoming more aware of what is going on and are getting frustrated by the inability/unwillingness to engage in longstanding activities that previously were done as a family --whether it be food shopping or visiting mutual friends.
Getting back to W, I think a lot of the recent nastiness is due to the fact that I'm becoming more aggressive in setting boundaries, such as refusing to talk when the kids are around, calling her to task when she has been drinking, and just not allowing her to bait me into cheeseless tunnel conversations. With the help of TKKC1, I finally learned DB Coach Laurie's lesson (which may be unique to my W) that her anger at total backoff on my part is far better than engaging her in a no win convo where anything I say will be twisted against me. When all validating convos inevitably lead her to request my departure to end her pain, I really see no reason to go down that path. (NOTE TO JENNIFER: I will still look for quick hit validating opportunities when I can exit immediately thereafter).
I also am much firmer in my thinking that she is needs medical help. I started reading a book on Borderline Personality Disorder ("Stop Walking on Eggshells") which seems to best capture what I am experiencing with her. At least this explians how someone can be so angry for so long. Unfortunately, the book's authors convey the clear view that there is nothing I can do about it--the BP-person muct be willing to address the issue themself and the best the non-BPD can do is figure out how to set appropriate boundaries and avoid the types of everyday responses that trigger the worst rage and other borderline behaviors.
On the flip side, while most borderlines fear abandonment, having her D complaint drawn up and seeking my departure seems a marked departure from the script--unless it's just another way to darw me into her orbit. Who knows.
But with all this, I'm inclined to finally begin clamping down on financial matters, which includes depositng my pay into my own account, tracking every penny of spending, and most important, dramatically increasing my kids' collge savings. The only SBT approach I have not tried is a reality check. Is this more loving than maintaining the status quo?
Amidst all this, I seem to be doing well. RCIA progresses, I have reconnected with old friends, and made new ones. I've kept myself busy on my own and continue to do fun things with the kids. For example, today I got free tix to West Point for Army football today and sat in a steady cold rain all game with S10 amidst the low mountains overlookign the Hudson. But I know this is something he will forever remember--and it wasn't lost on either of us that the cadets cheering happily next to us and those on the field today could be engaged in combat in a faraway land less than a year from now. God bless them!
TKKC1 and his boys joined my kids for some minor league hockey and except for my typing this right now--I'll usually engage the kids in games at home or watch TV with them). All in all, it's not what I want, but far from a tragedy. Now if only God and Catholicism would let me off this adultery thing and D, I'd be set!! But I have a good sense, if not too late, that God was pretty certain about what he wanted in my marriage.
But I have a good sense, if not too late, that God was pretty certain about what he wanted in my marriage.
