Had a good Christmas then the New Year brought more worries. I did what I am not supposed to do and brought up OW. I know that my H has lied. I had been doing a lot of snooping back in September. My H had bought a prepaid cell phone and I found out. My H swore she didn't have the number then I hire a PI firm and they pulled her phone records. My H's Tracfone # was on it. I called OW. She tried to deny it at first. Then we starting talking about how her boyfriend and I compared dates and that she and my H had planned on going fishing together. She admitted that it had been planned but proceeded to tell me that she didn't go. I know this part to be true. I got the nerve to confront my H and he denies it to my face. He cannot tell me the whole truth and it kills me that he is lying to my face. Read Hope Comes and Goes and then Making progress and you will all see where I have been and how far I have come. Then this. I told H that I have forgiven him for the A, even though he does not recognize it as such. I told him in the beginning that they did not have to have S in order for it to be an A. He doesn't believe in the term EA. I can decide to forgive him for the lies but he has yet to be honest and I don't know if I can live with that. Michele tells us to focus on what we can live with and what we cannot. I can live with H not helping out as much as I would like him to but cannot live with being lied to. It makes me think that more happened than he is willing to admit and that he will always lie to me in the future. I hate this agonizing feeling. Well the conversation set us back big time and I am having a really hard time finding a PMA this time and trying to act as if it doesn't bother me or trying to get back on track. Why can't I just let it go and accept his apology. I've let a lot go but can't seem to get this one out of my system. I feel as though I swallowed a lot of pride this summer by picking up the DB and trying to turn my M around. When it is time to call it quits? or do I keep living in agony and trying to put on a happy face when I really feel miserable sometimes. Each time I back slide I fear that I will never be able able to accomplish my goals and resolve my M. Does it really have to be this hard? I really need some advice or even a pep talk as to why I should continue when I feel so rotten right now.
