We went to dinner and it was good but I felt tension. There was very little laughter and I actually had a hard time bringing up conversation. On the way home the OW popped into my head and I began to cry but didn't let H see this. Then the thoughts went away and we ML when we got home. We are definitely better than we were but I still have the need to talk about what happened with OW since I feel that H was not completely honest. There were too many lies and things that I found on my own. Part of me says it is the guilt that he feels because of what he put me through. The other part says that he doesn't want his family to know what he did, and then I feel that he is fearful of me knowing the entire truth. Since the end of July, he has only admitted things when I found them and confronted him. This is my biggest issue for moving on. I re-read the section in DR about A's. I know it will take time but I need to talk about it sometimes and when I bring it up my H thinks I am dwelling on the past. I told him I may have started the healing process sooner if I had felt he was completely honest with me. I still have fears that he is not. Then there are times when I wonder if what he told me is really all that happened and I cannot accept it. He told me that I can't handle the truth. I said "Why is there more". He said "no". I left it at that rather than pursue it but I was far from satisfied with our conversation. His answer leaves me in that guessing game I have been playing since late July and it makes me crazy. How do you get a spouse to hear you when all they want to do is forget about it? I feel like we are sweeping everything under the carpet. He doesn't understand that in order for me to fully trust him, I need him to be open and honest. Even if he can't understand, I need him to validate my feelings Uggggh! Then I feel like I am chasing something that I should just leave alone. No one likes to talk about unpleasant things but sometimes it's very necessary and I do not feel like we will get to a next step if we can't talk about it.
My new goals are;
1)I want my H to wear his wedding ring because he wants to not because I asked him to.
2) I want my H to show me appreciation like he used to. I miss "the just becauses".
3) I want to completely trust my H and feel that he is connected to me by being open and honest.
