Dear Pam and Maya - It has been a year of growth, indeed. And as painful as it has been, I am grateful for it. I'm also feeling very blessed that there are conversations here that provide wonderful opportunity to continue this growth. Here is the rest of Sue's post, via JJ.
Attachment is becoming overly -involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled. Attachment can take several froms: * we may become excessively worried about, and preoccupied with, a problem or person (our mental energy is attached).
Back in the early days of discovering about ow, it wah ALL I could think of. Ugh. Then I got to obsessing about what NG was thinking, what his next actions would be. Today, I do wonder, sometimes, but the frequency, and duration, is definitely on the wane. Yeah for me
*Or, we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our enviroment (our mental, physical, and emotional energy is directed at the object of our obsession).
Oooh yes - the number of times I changed my plans, so that NG would have to be withing my watch etc - sigh - what a waste of time that was - he still did what he wanted, and I just made myself tired and frustrated.
* we may become reactionaries, instead of acting authentically of our own volition (our mental, emotional, and physical energy is attached).
In fact, I think both NG and I were waiting for each other to 'declare' plans on a day to day basis. He still does today, and I still cannot figure out why he is so reluctant to share. For myself, I make plans, and share when asked. Otherwise, mystery rules
* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us (now were really attached).
For a short while (thankfully only a short while) I was not aware of this dynamic. Thankfully I got over myself
* WE may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us).
My challenge here is that apart from issues around ow, NG actively wants me to play this role. Weaning off means not just re-training myself, but also him.
Over-involvement of any kind may keep us in a state of chaos.Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we cant solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become dtached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. WE forfeit our power and ability to think feel act and take care of ourselves. We lose control.
The most frightening part of all this was how easy it was to lose touch with myself. For a few months, I was in such a quagmire, there was no energy to think clearly. The tools to be able to see through the fog were just not in my arsenal than. It has been a painful lesson, that in any situation (and I do now find myself applying this with work and friends, not just NG) my baseline is 'how do I feel, what do I want to do' - not in a self centred manner, but in a way that helps me establish clarity
Detachment is not a cold hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern. Ideally detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem in love. Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. Keep our hands off of other peoples responsibilities.
As I would want other people to stay off my problems
Detachment involves present moment living-living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future we make the most of each day. Also accepting reality - the facts. Detaching does not mean we dont care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and enviroments.
Living a balanced life that provides for the future but has sufficient time and energy to enjoy today is really what I'm taking away from all this. Life, every day.
We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and dont hurt ourselves. The rewards of from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real soulutions to our problems. It will become easier with practice.
It does seem to become easier with practice, and the sense of peace is a heady one - I actively crave it, and am willing to put in the effort to have peace in my life.
