Hi Michael and TAGIII - Thanks for stopping by - TAGIII - I wish you courage and patience in dealing with your difficulties.
Something that I still struggle with is detachment - sometimes I'm able to detach consciously, other times, frankly, I've just stumbled into the right response. JJ's recent link to an older post on detachment gave me much food for thought - here is the link to JJ's thread over at Newcomers
I've been through the first part, and find some small pennies dropping into place.
One of the hardest, but most important goals for people close to an individual in recovery to learn, is to detach from the behaviors and continue to love the person. What does detachment mean? It can sound frightening, given that life has revolved around the person--always trying to anticipate what will happen next. Detaching with love is an attitude which is associated with behaviors that are not controlling.
This is particularly true of NG and I - for 22 years, we have been practically fused - I see him unable to detach from my actions for example. But, this is about my detachment, from his actions that I find hurtful.
What does controlling mean? Controlling behavior is the need to have people, places and life with "shoulds" and "ought to be." Not expressing feelings honestly, but with self-centerdness and manipulation of the environment around. Feeling okay if things are the way you want them to be regardless of the needs or desires of others. It is a behavior that comes from fear -- fear of the unknown, of "falling apart" if people and situations are not the way you want them to be. It is a symptom of a family or systems dysfunction.
Ugh. It is only lately that I've come to realise the weight of baggage from a childhood that was far from normal. But, I have been truly lucky in having terrific friends, and a generally positive temperament, and have been able to see my problems clearly, and work towards a better solution. Yeah, I've been a control freak, and in that process, made myself more anxious than I really needed to. The more relaxed Slowly is I believe a more fun to be, and more fun to be with.
As the illness within the betrayer progresses so do the projections: in my case, NG used to say things like 'I'm not taking anything away from you, it is only a narrow relationship I have with her' Statements like this contribute to a derterioration of self-worth with the result being that you believe that you are the key to change this awful mess by controlling your world, and the people in it. You become exhausted, frustrated and resentful. Resentment comes from people not doing what you want them to do --and resentment kills love.
Although the affair is over, NG has not really adressed some of these very hurtful actions or words. I doubt he remembers them. I need to get over them. I also need to stop putting myself in situations that are not of my making, I find myself now able to stop and ask first if something I''m expected to do is what I want to do, and am finding it a little easier to say no politely, not just to NG, but to others who have been in the past invited (alas, by me ) to expect more than I'm honestly comfortable giving.
I must accept that: 1) Depression is an illness 2) I did not cause it 3) I cannot control it 4) I cannot cure it. Detaching from the illness and NG's behaviors allows him to take responsibility for himself-and allows me to be free to feel the love for the individual. When I begin taking care of myself and being responsible for myself, I have the key to peace, serenity, sanity, and really feeling good about who I am. Detaching is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement. Detachment is something we must do first! before we can begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession.
In my case, I'm finding some of the tools I need to use are humour, being vague, and sometimes just plain acting as if I know nothing of a problem to avoid getting sucked into becoming more involved than I need to be. This definitely takes time, and requires practice. BUT, it is opening up nicer days for me, where I'm not worrying about solving other people's problems
Loving detachment rocks
Slowly
ps. there is a lot more on the thread JJ started, but I'll need to internalise them, and bite sized chunks makes a lot more sense
) to expect more than I'm honestly comfortable giving. 
