Curious to hear about the suspiscions about the affair you and NG suspect friend to be having. Just want it at a purely gossip level...however, it will be interesting to know how NG thinks about it AND what others are seeing when we think we are keeping everything so contained...
Do you think her spouse suspects, etc?
maya ps.. we have a saying over here that houseguests are a bit like fish..they both start to stink after a few days... hope yours are groovy...
Greetings from a very cold part of the world today I'm up late trying to finish a project, but am stuck in a rut, so here I am
Little in life is more attractive than a warm invitation to which there is no pressure or expectation attached
I cannot remember where I saw this, but it strikes me as a good tagline for life. I've been noticing that as I wait for NG to invite me, he is doing the same. Time to break this unconstructive cycle - every invitation I extend to him is accepted with enthusiasm and warmth, so I should continue with what works, right?
His LLs have been tough to decipher, but I think they are in the following order:
1. quality time - and this is so hard for me because I need to be doing three million things at the same time. rehabilitation of Slowly is in progress, the constant working from home is a big part of meeting his QT needs
2. physical touch - not a problem here, we have LOTS of contact during the day and night
3. words of affirmation - this is definitely work in progress, because he honestly does/says so little I have to become a better affirmation opportunity hound...
Life at work is incredibly busy, and I'm feeling so out of touch with everyone here. Roll on 2005!
You were wise to let the receipts go and focus on what is positive now.
But, I know how very hard that is to do. I found a receipt for a VERY expensive ladies watch H purchased on his credit card,last month, in my H's old papers.From a time when he wouldn't even pay the mortgage!! It was from 2 years ago and I have no idea who it was for. I have not shown him what I found because to do so would be at this point, to him, a lack of trust on my part. It would be like throwing it in his face again and again(there are lots of misdemeanors in our case and we've been going through them one by one as they have surfaced, so at this point he really is not wanting to face any more!) and to bring it up does not bring me or him "closer to our goal."
I know when the time comes I will be shown what it was all about. Maybe even who it was for..but not until God has a reason for me to know.
Until then, It changes NOTHING to show/confront/ask about whatever they did.
Unless and until they are ready to deal with it, leave it lay.
It also is easier said than done! (To just "forget" about it). You'll think you have tucked it away on the back of your cob-webby mind and suddenly, from some trigger, it will come roaring back to vivid 3-d recall and the uncertainty will tear at your again.
You will need to be prepared for this or it will catch you off gaurd and you will not respond in a way in which you would like to.
The bigger challenge will be to remember WHY you wanted/need to forget about it in the first place.
Does knowing bring you closer to your goal? What do YOU gain by knowing?
You may gain certainty or understanding but at expense of Your H losing his dignity or sense of connectedness to you.
Hope you are having a great week..... Big Hug! Trish
Hey Trish, GBO - Much of what I struggle with these days is in my head, of that I'm quite sure. Trish, you put it so well
Quote: It also is easier said than done! (To just "forget" about it). You'll think you have tucked it away on the back of your cob-webby mind and suddenly, from some trigger, it will come roaring back to vivid 3-d recall and the uncertainty will tear at your again.
There are just TOO many reminders in our daily life, and I have yet to master the art of not letting the memories get to me
NG is wonderfully present, almost over protective of me being hurt, which in itself is creating interesting dynamics. But we are plodding along nicely.
Hey GBO - I think I was looking at NG's actions with rose tinted lenses - alas, developments today suggest it was more like self protection on his part
You may recall some unpleasant phone calls from ow's H about a month ago - well yesterday I discover that NG has made an official ccomplaint and follow-up is underway. This was done after he contacted ow to tell her about the contact and she did not respond at all. Looks like she has washed her hands off NG completely, but NG seems to have difficulty staying away - he showed me his email to her, and boy was it an emotional tirade, not at all focused on the issue of her h calling, but going into choices she has made in life etc. Quite gut wrenching for me. Ugh.
Today, he has been snappy all day, especially with me, but in general moody. WTF.
Back to the drawing board, was I saying this to Maya just a few hours ago? I've been reading up on Ellie's old threads for inspiration, and found this from Oct 03
Quote: I had posted a nice long philosophical post yesterday about peacefulness, which evaporated along with my thread. But my point was that there were two things that were contributing to my current state of peacefulness, one little and one big. The little thing is that I finally tried that "stop sign" technique - you know, where you imagine a big red stop sign anytime your mind wanders to a bad place, like picturing your H with the OW? I always thought this sounded silly, but man, it works like a charm! Try it.
The second, big thing - I've reached a place where I feel comfortable that I can go on and I can be happy, happier than my H, if he leaves. I'm not expecting him to, but I no longer fear it as I used to. I feel good about my efforts in the relationship and the changes I've made in myself; if he were to still leave now, I would be at peace with the fact that it is about him, not about me.
Yeah, this is where I need to be. I guess I've changed my life, and NG is finally understanding that the doormat wife is no longer there. Some of the tantrums is because I'm being laid back about chores, and he is having to pull his weight.
I cannot discount that the other part may be due to some form of depression. I'm off to get some herbal remedies, it can only help. NG has an allergy to any discussion around mental states, it may be a cold day in hell before he will acknowledge any problem within himself.
Slowly, Other than St Joh's Wort, are there other herbal remedies you know of that you recommend? I think, for the first time in my life, that I may need to take something.
I'm up late trying to finish a project, but am stuck in a rut, so here I am 
I have to become a better affirmation opportunity hound...
