slowly, is there something you can do to forget about those bills whenever they pop in your mind? a goal or a dream you can focus on whenever you think of them?
if u have to ask, and you just cant stop yourself, try and put most of it on you. like "NG, i am feeling slightly worried and i know i have no reason to be, but i could use a little reassurance. these papers fell out of your breifcase. i know you were probably meaning to give them to me and i am being silly. but if you were trying to protect my felings by keeping them i deeply appreciate it very much. but you dont have to worry about my feelings, i have you and thats all that matters."
oh even to me that sounds to mushy. well hopfully you get the idea.
Seems like the busiest pre-Christmas ever - we have been accepting more invitations, and alas, both of us have gained a little weight But it has been fun re-connecting with old friends, though it has not left much time for updating.
Good day and night yesterday - NG went out for a couple of meetings but was so endearing in just how quickly he came home. We are both officially on the 'home working' teams, so no more fixed desks at work. A friend came to spend the day with us, while her bathroom was being drilled for a new tub - it was nice having company. And to top it, NG was incredibly tender last night. If I took yesterday in isolation, there was nothing more to ask for. So I will
BUT, we do have episodes, and no doubt we will in the future. Maya and Betsey, I am still processingh your comments - there is a bigger picture here for me, but I'm yet unable to put my finger on it. Please bear with me.
Slowly I would drop the credit card bill issue. H surely doesnt want to bring up painful memories. Even though I have shown my H I can handle things and prefer open communication about OW and A he will never be comfortable opening up even with things getting better. If you are feeling good about things just keep hanging on to that . It will get better and better has H gets further away from emotions of OW and closer to you. I am just now starting to really see things with my H and he definitely was in contact with OW outside the office through September for sure maybe even more than I would like to admit through October. So in the last 30 days things have changed for the better . Questioning him on the credit card bills wont do anything. Do you really need them or just want him to show them to you. If its the latter than it will only bring feelings to the forefront and thats not what you want.
Hang on to the good that is NOW. You are waiting for a shoe that NEVER has to drop. I really thing the worst is behind you and that you get to affirm to yourself daily...
"NG loves me and good things happen to us!"
Easier said than done and I do not want to make it YOUR fault that you are having difficulty. I just want witness and validate for you that he is really coming 'round the bend.
Hi KMFLA and Maya - Thanks guys - sometimes I feel like a wimp for not calling him on known deceit, but you know, I keep remembering Ellie's 'do you want to be right or be married' and get off my tree. You guys are advocating the same wise approach - just keep moving on, we ARE heading in the right direction
We had another great day - busy at work, but had time to connect, shared a couple of jokes. NG joined me for yoga - first time in 5 years for him - he is at the stage of being willing to try anything just to kick the persistent cough. Poor guy, he was so stiff, and had to work hard. I think he will be coming with me regularly now - he seems to remember just how good it feels after a session
Still keeping tough questions buried over here, Slowly
I agree with others not to make an issue of the receipts. They represent a real low point for him in terms of dishonesty and cruelty toward you. He's come a long way, and will go farther, I believe that. Hiding the receipts is dishonest, yes, but I suspect he is doing so out of shame. Yeah, it would be great for honesty and a sense of responsibility to trump his shame, but he's not there yet.
Maybe think of that part of your life as compost....smelly, and you may not want to look at or smell it too much, but it can be transformed. But some of that process requires darkness and being left alone for awhile (as well as turned over sometimes too....).
Piecing is the hardest part, isn't it? When you really do have to ask what it is that you want, because the reality of a future with H is right there in front of you.
Quote: Maybe think of that part of your life as compost....smelly, and you may not want to look at or smell it too much, but it can be transformed. But some of that process requires darkness and being left alone for awhile (as well as turned over sometimes too....).
Funny that GBO puts it that way - my H once referred to the residue of the affair as the "bag of trash" (figuratively) in the corner that he knew he needed to take out to the curb.
Hi GBO and Ellie - You know, I never thought that NG might think of his a in those terms, I guess because during the a he was totally convinced it was the right thing for him - I know, it was a phase etc. but it did cloud my perspective. Thanks for the re-frame, it really helps me move on. I've now filed the statements and plan not to think of them again
The weekend looms - we are having old friends over for dinner, and it will be tough as NG and I both suspect the wife is having an affair - ugh. Then on Sunday our houseguests arrive, and will probably use our place as a base for 4 weeks, though they will be popping in and out. Should be interesting
Slowly, I know every sitch is different, but your phrase about H thinking his A was a long-term deal, and his conviction clouding your own perspective too, hit me between the eyes. Even as I know that H and OW are having problems, I can barely believe it.
Four weeks for the houseguests? That's a long time. I hope you will have them doing dishes by the end since by then they will be part of the family!
Good luck with the dinner with the woman who may be having an affair, ick. Lost of steps to take, aren't there.
But it has been fun re-connecting with old friends, though it has not left much time for updating. 
