Slowly, you are wise to raise up the short and long view of this...you know that you want more for long term, but are willing to hang in for now. And yes, haven't we all grown during this process?
Hie GBO - Yeah, looking at the today, and the future, is a fine balancing act, though now that NG is 'present' with me, it is much easier to be patient.
Quote: Any news on the Bay Area trip?
Well, finally NG decides today that perhaps his health is more important, he has not shaken his cough in 8 weeks, and it is becoming a major worry. So, for now, all long distance trips are cancelled - the air in planes and hotels only aggravate his chest. I'm happy he made this 'rational decision' - though I was so looking forward to add to the EBMM mystery - the international flavour Ah well, maybe sometime later.
with you guys working at home, i am sure it is hard to keep anything a mystery. can you take that trip alone?? or would it be bad to leave when he is sick? as you say, he is still dealing with the old slowly, maybe a tiny vacation on your own will show him the new slowly.
Hi Kelly - It's certainly a thought. Maybe starting with nights out with the girls. Though the last time I did this, he sulked for a couple of days
In the meantime, I'm going back to small goals, monitoring baby steps and moving my mountain slowly. He seems to be less communicative now than a couple of months ago; I'm just going to chalk it up to 'itchy butt' I have loads of money matters to straighten out, and that is what I'll focus on.
Goals for the week then: 1. set up personal allowance - I've been way too frugal these past years, and need change tack a little, spoil myself 2. wind up a dormant business we have had for a while - basically clean up our tax records
We are expecting visitors next weekend, and I used to shoulder the bulk of entertaining chores. No more volunteering for things - these are actually NG's childhood friends, he can ask for help
Quote: We are expecting visitors next weekend, and I used to shoulder the bulk of entertaining chores. No more volunteering for things - these are actually NG's childhood friends, he can ask for help
Careful on this one, if you have been shouldering these chores they will have been taken for granted, like my H took them for granted, and they won't even have noticed all the work that gets done over a weekend of entertaining. All my H had to do was open a bottle of wine and hand it around and be the life and soul, the rest - planning, cleaning, shopping, cooking, washing up, putting away, making up of beds, washing etc etc was up to moi.
If you decide you won't do this automatically any more, careful you don't just get seen as a spiteful B****h.
How will you go about this 180?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL - Good point - how do I execute this 180 without coming across as spiteful? Well, I guess the scene has been set slowly over the past few months, I have been slowly easing away from my previously 'assumed' roles - NG and I talk about things that need to get done, and share them more evenly now. In the past, I used to get bothered about stuff like cleaning the shed - now, I just let it be, and learn to tolerate things - NG does get round to eventually doing his bit.
So the thing with guests will just be an extension of the 'new deal' between us. To be honest, I think I will have more of a problem holding myself back, than NG getting upset - he can be amazingly laid back - I'm learning from him
Sorry to hear that NG is not feeling well. and also sorry that your plans for a trip will be postponed...(notice that I did not say CANCELLED)
I wanted to chime in about the sharing of the duties and the mystery stuff. I think that you have been doing well to extricate yourself from the expectations or assumptions that YOU have to carry all the buckets. I also think that the two of you have been having a better time of it lately and can enjoy doing these things together more.
I really agree that pullling back and expecting him to ask for the help is tricky when he may not even notice what things need doing. But it sounds like you are creating lists and dividing them...all good. My h was pretty decent about helping when company was coming. HE seems to have forgotten how much he enjoyed entertaining but it was one of the things we did well together and he always said he loved doing.
Now, the mystery thing is important. I do NOT suggest making him jealous or any of that nonsense...but...the GAL stuff, from what I am told (cause I am not reconciled with my H...YET) is just as important once the two of you are back together.
You two spend a lot of time together. H needs to feel some of the lure of unavailability. Ya think? I mean how can he miss you if you never go away? Just gotta keep him wondering a bit...and then always happy that you are walking back through the door.
one way you can "get out" of doing all the work is to have plans when that work needs to be done. "oh NG, i am sry, but i have to xxx before the party so can you get ready for your friends? thanks, you are so awesome!"
that will do 3 wonderful things for you: 1. go and do your fabulous plans and have fun. 2. get NG to do his share 3. throw in there a "you are awesome" and make him feel so good.
How about "H, I'm going to be pretty busy over the next few days, so I just wanted to touch base with you about this weekend. Is there anything I can do to help you get ready for [the visitors]? I'm happy to help, but I'd like to plan ahead a little this time."
This shows 1. You are not planning to take on the supervisory role 2. You are expecting him to take the lead 3. You are willing and ready to help 4. You have boundaries that need to be respected 5. You have other plans (GAL)
Ah well, maybe sometime later. 
Slowly 
I have loads of money matters to straighten out, and that is what I'll focus on.
