Saving a reference by Lilliperl over at hairdog's thread
Quote: Hdog, I picked up a book off my bookshelf that I bought several years ago. It's called The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin.
It has some very interesting ideas in it that are summarized on the amazon page, for example: Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Erotic Mind explains the many paradoxes of erotic life, such as: why we're most excited when we must overcome obstacles; how anxiety, guilt, and anger -- generally thought to have a negative impact on sexual arousal -- often turn out to be aphrodisiacs; how we use unresolved issues from our early lives to intensify passion; and why the best sex is dynamic and unpredictable, rather than static and safe.
He talks about how early in life we may have come to associate eroticism with anxiety (as in back-seat fumblings), so later, safe in the marriage bed, it is hard to... well, get hard. He talks about a woman who always chose men who ran hot and cold, until she figured out that she is turned on by a guy who is "almost" in love with her. He talks about how "longing" can be very erotic, but winning the object of our longing will probably mean a drop in eroticism.
Good evening, Slowly (now it's morning here ). Four generations of depression sure sounds familiar. I think I am coming to agree with Ellie that the presenting issue with most (not all) WAS's is depression (just as the presenting symptom, often enough, is an affair).
I like the quotation from the Erotic Mind. It makes so much sense that a depressed person would respond to the increased perception of feeling--anxiety, guilt, being turned on the by the "new"--as a relief from the "anhedonia" of lifelong depression. I know for myself that I withdrew from H in order to avoid his irritability and withdrawn behavior himself. So no wonder he "felt" so much with volatile Miss OW-Toad.
I am so glad that your H is going through those cycles of putting the A into more realistic perspective, though, Slowly, however hard and raw that is. I just hope that in that process he comes to take responsibility for his own feelings and finds a better way to address them. If he does that, you will be well on your way.
Whoa. That quote from the Erotic Mind is spot on. Reading it has, however, left me feeling anxious and depressed. I think I will go out straightaway and find someone to toss in the hay.
After our recent "discussion" over at my place, I thought I would send you something you might.... I say, might...gain insight from.
I'm not all that sure I have a complete grasp of your sitch yet, but for some reason or another, my gut is telling me you are dealing with something that is similar to what I am dealing with.
I see alot of wonderful people here offering encouragement and that is sooo helpful, but when it comes right down to it, I am seeing a pattern to his behavior.
I'm not saying it's as bad as my sitch, if anything It seems to me like you have something to work with here ...your H seems to want to work with you at times and does seem sincere in his confusion.
Like I said, I might be way off but, something tells me that you could gain some understanding and thus some direction when it comes to dealing with your H from the websites I want to direct you to.
Please keep in mind that everybody shows SOME of these traits SOME of the time, but I think if this is truely what you are dealing with, you will know it almost immediately in your own "gut".
Hiya GBO, Maya, Ellie and Trish - Yeah, I do wonder if the Erotic Mind's premise has relevance in my case, NG often says 'we had NO problems in our life' prior to the a.
Trish, thanks for the links, I've started looking at them.
Today is uber-busy, I have back to back meetings with clients as we get into our busiest month of the year. NG too is wrapped in various projects. BUT, he has been making a lot of eye contact with me these past couple of days, almost like he is looking for something
Hi slowly- I have been reading your thread and thought some input from me might help. My H and I seperated, he was in EA and maybe PA before he moved out but defintiely once he moved out in Jan 04. He never really left my life and looking back tells me he never was happy when we seperated but was scared to come back and didnt want to lose me so he somewhat strung me along. After 4-5 months of this and once I worked on me, got my PMA up and told him enough was enough we finally agreed to work on the marriage He ended the A with OW and moved home in July. July through October were very difficult. The first two months there were days I didnt think we would make it. H was clearly still attached emotionally to OW and was struggling with his feelings. The guilt of what he did to me and our marriage and also the guilt he had about leaving her and coming back home. I think he strung her along somewhat too although she clearly knew what she was getting into, or at least she should have. She was in love with my H and was expecting a different turnout. When he came home and through the tough days he kept telling me home is where he wanted to be and he was handling it the best way he knew how. There were many phone calls, conversations etc with OW which I would get upset about. It does get better I promise you that. As time went on we began to feel more natural with each other. Now things are good. We still have a ways to go and there will be some bumps I am sure but I finally beleive that H is clearly where he wants to be. By the way OW and H work together in a small office so the detachment took longer to happen and probably will never happed 100%. But he comes home to me every night and there are definitely no signs of him continuing anything emotionally or pyhsically. I am sure he still cares about her but I believe he looks at her differently now that we are on more solid ground. Keep your head high and remember that things will get better. It will take time for your H to heal and things to get more natural between the two of you
KMFLA--great to hear from you and that things are improving.
Slowly, I liked the "Erotic Mind" post. Regardless of what was going on between you and H before the A, do you think his feelings/resentments from childhood were part of the erotic allure for him, somehow? I'm not a psychoanalyst, but I recall you mentioning this before. And--well, that part is simply out of your control. Except insofar as you are able to keep a certain amount of....mystery.....going into the future.
Hiya KMFLA and GBO - Thanks for stopping by, its good to know that the process we are going through is about normal, and that there are some other things I can do to alter our old dynamics
Personally I am begining to realise that its not so much whether NG is detached from ow, it is more, can he step up to the plate of a more meaningful R with me, not the Slowly of 2 years ago, but the Slowly who has been on a tough journey since his bomb, and frankly, grown in the process. He has not yet opened his eyes to my changes. He is playing life with a woman he thought I was, and I'm speaking a different language that he is not ready to decipher. I think that's where we are, and sometimes I'm getting frustrated ..
But, yes, I know it will take time, and I cannot force his pace of acceptance. In the meantime, the weekend is just round the corner, and on the whole, we are both enjoying each other's company.
). Four generations of depression sure sounds familiar. I think I am coming to agree with Ellie that the presenting issue with most (not all) WAS's is depression (just as the presenting symptom, often enough, is an affair). 
from H in order to avoid his irritability and withdrawn behavior himself. So no wonder he "felt" so much with volatile Miss OW-Toad. 
