He feels foolish and probably at a loss as to how to make it up to you. He also probably expects huge doses of "I told you so." Or its equivalent. MAybe if he brings it up and if he feels some shadow feelings of shame, you might tell him that you are grateful for the experience because it gives you both the opportunity to seee how rare and valuable real commtiment and love can be... anbd how you both now have an opportunity to build a loving R from the grouns up together.
then you can tell him some of your thoughts about romancing each other. I have great feelings about you and NG. I think he and you will really have the opportuntiy to look back at this as a turning point in your M... and how it steered you onto a more positive course together.
Hi GBO - Yes, he is showing remorse, and yes, it is soothing that he sees this in the same vein now as I do - that it was regrettable. As Betsey says, we are healing one day at a time.
I am under no illusion that we are out of the woods - he will have bouts of depression, and I will no doubt have moments of bitterness, anger and hurt. We just have to be prepared for them.
Feels like another layer of the confusion has been peeled away. For which I'm thankful.
Hi Maya - Its so good to have you back, especially as your time away does not seem like much fun for you either
Quote: He feels foolish and probably at a loss as to how to make it up to you
There is no question that his pride has taken a battering - has done so from the first time he dropped the bomb - he used the very words - I'm sacrificing my pride for the future of us ... And yes, he is definitely clueless about what to do - paralysis is a good description of where he is.
Quote: He also probably expects huge doses of "I told you so." Or its equivalent
Ohhh yesss - he is still scanning the sea for his favourite shark - and is puzzled as to where she went
One thing I have really had confirmed these past few weeks, in our R, its best I do NOTHING. Take none of the initiative in resolving issues. Often it seems I have jumped the gun, and pushed NG into a corner. Not good. If I just wait it out, he is often coming all the way to my way of thinking
I think your progress is amazing. Not only the relevations for him, but how you handle them. It is definitely working!
Yes, guilt is a bummer. It took me years to come to terms with it, and I hadn’t even betrayed the one I swore to love, honor, and forsake all others for. And yes, it is an ongoing process. I also wanted to comment on something you said a few posts back – that understanding the “why” of the affair is an important part of the relationships’ healing. While I can’t disagree, I did want to point out one thing: one reason why first-time affairs happen is sheer stupidity. You don’t recognize the warning signs. Most of them start out as a friendship ….. which, with a member of the opposite sex, is always a potential slippery slope.
Add to that a rough point in the relationship, with the “friend” a sympathetic listener, and bang you’re in the middle of trouble. I personally consider myself much more “affair-proof” because I now know all the warning signs. No friendships with members of the opposite sex that don’t include your spouse, never talk about relationship problems with a “friend” of the opposite sex (except here on MB ), in fact mention your spouse in some oblique way the first time you speak …. In other words, never consider yourself “safe” (nobody is), but always work on maintaining healthy boundaries. Obvious things, but many people simply don't consider them. It might be something you could discuss with NG should the timing be right.
I like what's going on over here! You and Pen are engaged in some really interesting dialogues...
But what I find really encouraging is that you recognize that your storms are weathered by doing nothing. I think that's awfully insightful and observant of you.
Now you have a good template to use for the next storm that brews in your sea.
Hugs to you all!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
You and H2H are currently my inspiration for how not to jump up and bite. I like your advice about saying nothing. You seem to have a great and also realistic perspective on things. Now, is there anything you can do to move things forward for him in the department of healing and romance?
Hi Pen, Betsey and GBO - Let me tell ya, I'm wallowing in all your wonderful validation - it is so comforting
Well, we have visitors staying with us for a couple of days, NG's family, so everything else is on the back burner. Seems like for him, watching me interact with them, the easy comaraderie, is yet another source of pain, that he risked all of this. He is not giving the impression of someone who is comfortable with life right now.
I honestly think the romantic 'words' will only come after he is done with figuring out what this was all about. He is unable to express regret properly, other than the once 'I don't know where to begin' - because he is still in the fog as to what happened to him. This is a very personal journey, and like much of dbing, the best thing I can do is get on with my life. The last thing he needs is to be further burdened by guilt over me. NG is the thorough engineer, he will flagellate himself until he sees the 'why' - and forgives himself. Till then, I'm just collateral damage, if I let myself be.
Nevertheless, there are many positives. He is much more transparent about his moves. He talks more freely about work and his colleagues. And, guys, he has invited me to go along with him on his next business trip to -SAN FRANCISCO - in mid-January. Now I have to figure out how to clear my diary so I can actually go. Maybe even meet some of you
Lots more thoughts that I need to let settle first. I still have a lot of anxiety, and I need to figure out how to hold on to myself better.
Slowly, wow! NG is processing some difficult stuff. And it's great that you already know that he has to do it and you'll suffer it until he's done. You are WAY ahead of the game. Pity the poor people who never make it to this BB!
I'd just say remember to let him process it the way he needs to, and get some scripts about you for handling the difficult things that will come up. It's heavy stuff, and it will bring up a lot of crap for you, as well, of course.
Hi GBO and Jennifer - Well, our visitors left this morning, and as nice as it was to have them, I'm quite relieved the being-polite bit is over, and I can relax at the weekend. Yesterday was interesting.
NG decides to work from home, but I had to go in to the office, and had some tough negotiations. I was a bit withdrawn when I came home - just whacked and wanted some quiet time. He was quite insistent on knowing what had upset me, etc etc and just would not go away. And would not take 'work related problems' as an answer. Sooo, either he has done something that he thinks I've found out about, or he is worried I may be finally getting angry about the a. It was a strange evening alright, with him in pursuit and me trying to run away
I've also been following the discussion over at GBO's place, and must confess that since the end of the a, I have let my GAL campaign slide shamefully. NG is at home, and apparently wants to spend ALL his time with me. BUT, this is where we were before the a - living in each other's pockets, and no mystery at all. No wonder the relationship felt like a comfortable pair of slippers
Will continue later, NG is hovering dangerously close by.
Slowly 
), in fact mention your spouse in some oblique way the first time you speak …. In other words, never consider yourself “safe” (nobody is), but always work on maintaining healthy boundaries. Obvious things, but many people simply don't consider them. It might be something you could discuss with NG should the timing be right. 
Betsey 
