Hi Hairdog, Sounds good. That's pretty much what I thought except that you seemed a little concerned a couple of months ago about something Corri said. In your profession, you probably already know how easy it is to find info on somebody. I've also contemplated my H finding stuff and decided that the benefits outweigh any negatives at this time. After all, I'm changing me, and he's a happy man.
Re the molestation thing, it's one of those things that's sometimes hard to pin down. For many years, all I knew was that something happened to me when I was 5. Even after studying about sexual abuse of children (my bachelor's degree is in social work), I still didn't make the connection consciously. It wasn't until my mom was talking to me one day about the relative and saying that his own daughters had accused him of molesting them and that she remembered how I avoided him as a child and then, for some reason, turned to me with a look of horror on her face and asked, "He didn't ever do anything to you, did he?" that I had to finally deal with it. I couldn't answer her at first, then I quickly said that he hadn't and that I had to go to the bathroom, where I quietly broke down crying. It's as though she'd asked the question I'd been dreading all my life, yet I still don't know what he said or threatened to make me keep quiet about it. Since my mom was in the hospital at the time, I suspect it a threat about my mom dying or something similar. The memories from then aren't like a movie or video clip; they're mostly memories of nightmares, waking up on the floor of my parents' bedroom to get away from the man in my nightmares (I've sometimes said that I believed in the devil long before I believed in God), a sense of feeling that I was "bad", suddenly turning from an outgoing extroverted child to a withdrawn and shy one for a couple of years, etc. A little kid really has no cognitive framework to understand something like this. In any event, even if nothing happened to your W, she may be dealing with some fears about your daughter (one reason why I'm thankful for having only sons).
FWIW, my H was terrific when I was working through this and earned a gazillion points with me. He kept saying over and over again how wrong it was for somebody to "do that" to a little kid and would come home from work and take care of our kids so that I could get a few hours of sleep before dark (I couldn't sleep at night for a couple of months and kept checking to make sure our kids were safe).
I've never told my parents and probably won't (they can't do anything now and my mom already feels like she wasn't a "good enough" mom). But, my kids know because I don't know how or if it's affected our relationship and I want them to know that they're not to blame if I was distant at times.
The Gurian book is great. It helped me understand my H better than anything or anybody else, including why some of our fights USED TO escalate out of control. What's that saying--the truth shall set you free . I suspect your W and I may have been taught some of the same false principles that gender is a result of socialization rather than biology and that men's and women's roles are derived entirely from the culture. How wrong that is.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
. I suspect your W and I may have been taught some of the same false principles that gender is a result of socialization rather than biology and that men's and women's roles are derived entirely from the culture. How wrong that is. 
