You're right, it's creepy and scary; and I'm not even a professional investigator or skip tracer (most of the research I've done for attorneys was legal research as in drafting briefs or looking up property records and stuff like that). I just wanted to give HD a heads up . BTW, I haven't done this and wouldn't do this to anybody else (if I even could); I know a lot of attorneys and was curious whether HD was somebody I'd met or talked to in the past.
Just a reminder to people to be cautious depending on their specific circumstances and to remember that this is a PUBLIC forum.
And, since I'm on the subject and have become sufficiently paranoid about identity theft, watch what you put out in the trash. Most people don't realize that once you put something in the trash for pick up, it's essentially public property. H and I shred just about everything that comes into our house with our names on it, and we're teaching our kids to do the same.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Thanks eyesopened for the point about skiptracing. I'm actually not that concerned about your success in finding out about me. I've left plenty of foot prints on the internet(s) and I can't erase them all. What's the worse that could happen? My W find this site? I've contemplated that before and accept the consequences. Since I'm not planning to run for office, I don't think the info would benefit someone who was trying to embarrass me. One of my friends in high school once described me as a dog who wanders into the football stadium and pees on the 50 yard line during a game: unable to be shamed. But thanks for the heads up.
As for your other point, it's certainly possible that she has been molested in the past. I have asked her about this possibility and she has said that she doesn't think so. However, it is food for thought.
Also, thanks for the Gurian site. I'll give it a look-see. I doubt she'll be interested. But hey, Paul got laid this week so stranger things have happened.
Chris: I wasn't talking about eliminating your children. I was talking about doing a better job of balancing the amount of attention you give to them with that which you give your mate.
I remember in my 1st marriage that a couple of times I would delegate my parenting duties by popping in a copy of "Dumbo" and leaving my son in front of the tv with a big sippy cup of milk and a pile of pretzels. About the time Dumbo and his mom were together again, I would be finishing up "being irrational" with my mate and we could attend to his needs again.
I like the sound of that: Come on baby, let's get irrational together!
Hairdog, whose sense of humor is slowly returning.
Eyes, Just to let you know, I read the Gurian book last weekend and it was very interesting! I had no idea there were so many physical differences between a male brain and female. I suppose I thought a human brain was a human brain.
As you can guess, my H did not fit the typical mold but I still learned a ton about him anyway. Mostly (this sounds stupid but will turn out to be very significant info for me) do NOT try to engage him in Talks when his brain is shut off, which for him is at bedtime, and do not try to reason with him when he's angry at me. His body is either worked up and wanting to take physical action (which he never would) or it will just flat shut down. It was a good read!
Hairy, this is where I got the quote about the feminist who had changed her mind when raising her son.
Hi Hairdog, Sounds good. That's pretty much what I thought except that you seemed a little concerned a couple of months ago about something Corri said. In your profession, you probably already know how easy it is to find info on somebody. I've also contemplated my H finding stuff and decided that the benefits outweigh any negatives at this time. After all, I'm changing me, and he's a happy man.
Re the molestation thing, it's one of those things that's sometimes hard to pin down. For many years, all I knew was that something happened to me when I was 5. Even after studying about sexual abuse of children (my bachelor's degree is in social work), I still didn't make the connection consciously. It wasn't until my mom was talking to me one day about the relative and saying that his own daughters had accused him of molesting them and that she remembered how I avoided him as a child and then, for some reason, turned to me with a look of horror on her face and asked, "He didn't ever do anything to you, did he?" that I had to finally deal with it. I couldn't answer her at first, then I quickly said that he hadn't and that I had to go to the bathroom, where I quietly broke down crying. It's as though she'd asked the question I'd been dreading all my life, yet I still don't know what he said or threatened to make me keep quiet about it. Since my mom was in the hospital at the time, I suspect it a threat about my mom dying or something similar. The memories from then aren't like a movie or video clip; they're mostly memories of nightmares, waking up on the floor of my parents' bedroom to get away from the man in my nightmares (I've sometimes said that I believed in the devil long before I believed in God), a sense of feeling that I was "bad", suddenly turning from an outgoing extroverted child to a withdrawn and shy one for a couple of years, etc. A little kid really has no cognitive framework to understand something like this. In any event, even if nothing happened to your W, she may be dealing with some fears about your daughter (one reason why I'm thankful for having only sons).
FWIW, my H was terrific when I was working through this and earned a gazillion points with me. He kept saying over and over again how wrong it was for somebody to "do that" to a little kid and would come home from work and take care of our kids so that I could get a few hours of sleep before dark (I couldn't sleep at night for a couple of months and kept checking to make sure our kids were safe).
I've never told my parents and probably won't (they can't do anything now and my mom already feels like she wasn't a "good enough" mom). But, my kids know because I don't know how or if it's affected our relationship and I want them to know that they're not to blame if I was distant at times.
The Gurian book is great. It helped me understand my H better than anything or anybody else, including why some of our fights USED TO escalate out of control. What's that saying--the truth shall set you free . I suspect your W and I may have been taught some of the same false principles that gender is a result of socialization rather than biology and that men's and women's roles are derived entirely from the culture. How wrong that is.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Quote: It's a choice to always put your children before your mate, not an inevitable part of parenthood. That is how it can be eliminated--make better choices.
I guess my W will have to make better choices. As Donkey said... "pick me! ooh, pick me! meeee!"
Hairy wrote:
Quote: I wasn't talking about eliminating your children. I was talking about doing a better job of balancing the amount of attention you give to them with that which you give your mate.
I can't force W to find the balance without seeming like Shrek, and I don't wanna piss her off or start another "It's always about you, isn't it?" rant. So, what do i do? I express my displeasure with situations as they occur, and let her interpret that displeasure however she wants. End of story. Or something.
Quote: Anyway, thanks to all. I don't know how I'd cope without all of my imaginary friends here on SSM.
Since I'm imaginary, I'd like to respectfully request that when you read my posts, you picture someone who looks like Julianne Moore (IMHO the most beautiful woman in the world). You can give her large amplies if you want to.
(Also, I heartily second the thanks to all. It's a great comfort to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these issues. Y'all have helped me get a grip on my sanity.)
OOOOh - What a good idea Lillie. I would like to be envisioned as "Desperate Housewife" Terri Hatcher. I appreciate everyone keeping me sane. I am much better able to be compassionate with H if I'm not stuck with all this stuff all the time.
. I suspect your W and I may have been taught some of the same false principles that gender is a result of socialization rather than biology and that men's and women's roles are derived entirely from the culture. How wrong that is. 
