This morning she said “I’m sorry” but I gather she’s just sorry that she said something that made me sad/mad. She came up to me and gave me a hug. I did not hug her back. She walked away, pissed, muttering something under her breath. (I used to do this, but when she called me on it, I realized how immature it was. Now, when I hug her and she doesn’t hug me back–which is about half the time–I just chalk it up to experience, and enjoy the fact that I got to hug her).
She spouted some more societal stuff, how sex has caused men to humiliate women, mutilate them, sometimes kill them. How Islamic women have to cover their bodies so that they are not seen as evil temptresses. How women don’t have the same type of drive. How she is dealing with this disdain for sex – trying to reconcile her global/societal view with trying to make me happy and ML with me. I reiterated that I would not have sex with prostitutes, would not have an affair, but also would not live indefinitely in a celibate marriage.
She said that the SSM book has “backfired” because it told her to consciously make herself have sexual thoughts and, when she does, she is worried about how it has the potential to “take her over” and make her do irrational things. She feels sorry for men who feel this way all the time. I told her that I can think of arousing thoughts but check myself and not end up doing irrational things. She said the potential is what scares her, and so she now just won’t make herself have these arousing thoughts.
I told her that, academically, I can understand these feelings and concerns of hers, but that in the limited scope of our M, sex and intimacy is okay. She said that is what she is trying to reconcile. But she gave no prognosis for her reconciliation. She said that she is an academic thinker, and that this was why she had started to question the whole sex/love thing.
She accused me of being mad at her, especially when I didn’t hug her back. I told her that, initially, I might have been mad, but I was past that. I told her that I felt hopeless. I told her that I didn’t feel like hugging back and that I should be able to choose to say “no” when she hugs me (how many times has she said/done that to me?)
I told her that I didn’t want a receptacle. I wanted a willing, enthusiastic partner that was happy to ML with me. I told her that, based on what she was saying, I now thought that the last few times we had ML, she hadn’t felt any desire for me and, instead, had just resigned herself to be my receptacle. She categorically denied this. (Which is good, I guess).
We actually parted on better terms, but I still don’t know where that leaves us. I appreciate your responses, and NOPkins, I really like your idea about going to bed naked. It’s just so damn cold in that bedroom . . . in more ways than one.
