Just perfect. On the same day that Paul has his big success with his W, I am heartened by this, and go home with love in my heart for my W. And now, it’s after 11pm, and I’m downstairs writing in my house full of sleeping people and I just feel like giving up. How did I get here?
It started when my W, who has been searching on the Internet for a new DVD player tells me that, in typing in www.naughtycodes.com, which normally gives you discount codes for online retailers, told me that she misspelled it, and left out the “y” at the end of naughty. She said she was taken to a site called “naughtyass.com” and it was a porn site. She laughs, and takes me into the study to show me. Sure enough, she misspells it and the porn site pops up, complete with money shots and lots of pictures. We laugh together and then I excuse myself to go upstairs to bed. She stays on, and apparently looks at pics for about 10 minutes.
When she came to bed, I asked her how it made her feel, offended or amused or aroused. She said it was hard to answer, that she could see how a man could be aroused, but that it was just kind of gross to her. And then she said that she has come to believe that sex has nothing to do with love.
Huh? I tell her that I certainly don’t feel that way about it. That I equate the two, that she is the only person in the world who I want to ML with, and that it gives me a feeling of love for her, and being loved by her, that I don’t get from any other thing. I say that, “the day can be going to sh*t, and it’s okay, because I am lying naked next to you, touching you and being touched by you and I feel great.”
She says, “perfect example of how this drive to have sex can cause irrational, even dangerous behavior and beliefs. The day is going to sh*t and you’re happy because you’re having sex.” She goes on to say that animals have this same drive and will mate in otherwise dangerous situations. That humans are the same. That equating love with sex is just humanity’s way of promoting safety and monogamy. That it’s just a societal constraint and that love really doesn’t have anything to do with it, just that we’ve learned to see it that way.
I, of course, say, I know the way I feel, and it is a happiness and closeness that I can’t get any other way, although I can feel close doing other things...just not THAT close. She comes back with more societal stuff and says that it’s really just about power. (Her shorthand way of saying men’s power over women) I keep on coming back to try to personalize it – just me and her– and she keeps on saying society this and society that and power and, that I’m just manifesting society’s view equating love and sex, and she just doesn’t feel that way. I ask her if she ever has sexual thoughts. She says, “I have the ability to have those thoughts, and can get myself aroused, but the sex drive is so strong and causes such irrational thought and behavior, that I just don’t do it.”
She acknowledges that she’s in the minority with this way of thinking. I say that it’s not about whether she’s in the minority or majority, it’s just not the way I thought she felt about it when we met, and that I wished she had told me she thought this way a long time ago. She replies by saying that she doesn’t think she’s felt this way for very long, but that she feels this way now. (She is, of course, anticipating the ‘bait and switch’ charge I have leveled at her in the past, but didn’t plan to level at her tonight, at least not more explicitly than, “I wished you had told me earlier.”)
I told her how much I missed holding her, touching her, feeling her naked body next to mine, and asked her if she missed it. Not really, was her reply.
I was quiet for a while, about two minutes, really trying to HOM, and then I asked her a question, but she said she was sleeping and that the discussion was over. I told her that certainly seemed like a power play and I didn’t appreciate it, and I got up and came down here.
Does this woman have a soul? A heart? A clitoris? I am doubtful of all three.
