He initiated (you couldn't), you initiated....then what?
What were you wanting or hoping would happen that didn't happen that has you upset?
I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, I'm just saying that from reading the post I couldn't see it. I'm confused!
Fill me in...
And as far as him coming home, try to stay as positive as possible. Have a drink if you need to. Are you any good at acting as if? I think this would be a good time to employ that technique and help to establish new patterns between you and H. It sucks to keep going back to the same old thing, over and over.
HP: I initiated and he accepted with some minor grumbling about being tired but we did ML. I would give it a B plus. Good but nothing sensational.
The negative emotions are coming from (a)anticipating the next drought and (b)wondering if he was appeasing me and (c)still hoping for more passion/experimentation etc... Even as I am writing this I just received and "I love you" card from H which he apparently mailed just before his business trip. Sometimes I think he wants to love me like a best friend. Or maybe, he is just sooo inexperienced with long term sexual relationships that he doesn't know what to do. Either way I just get very down about it sometimes.
I am excellent at acting "as if." I have to try to figure out what I usually do and what would break the pattern.
You know, my H separates romantic love and sexual love too. In fact, I would bet that he doesn't think of sexual love as even being something real! Sexual thoughts are processed, for him, as urges and the like. He thinks it has the potential to be something noble if you're doing it with your spouse, but even then I think that he has a set of 'rules' about what is acceptable or unacceptable within that parameter.
I too get the romantic declarations of love and, Karen, I want that to be enough. I wish that I didn't toss aside his genuine efforts and say, Is that all there is?
I don't intend to do that, of course, but I can certainly see how it could look like that to him. I hate that! I wish I could accept his efforts and that it would be enough. It would most definitely be enough for a lot of ladies out there.
But the day I start accepting romantic love only is the day that my own love for him will start to die out. I simply can't see myself ever staying in love with someone with whom I could not share a sexual relationship with.
Is there any way you can fight fire with fire? That is, if he gave you a beautiful card to show how much he loves and misses you, could you leave him a voicemail and tell him how much you want to ML when he gets home?
As far as anticipating the next drought...remember that if you get down in thinking about the drought, he will perceive that and there will definitely BE a drought. Kwim?
I know exactly where you're at. You want him to come home from his trip and initiate and be enthusiastic. YOu don't want to have to take another risk in initiating only to be met with ambivalence.
I have the best hopes for you and perhaps you extending the first sexy branch would put his mind in a sexy place? I know with Mr. Honeypot that he does not think sexy thoughts unless I put em in his head.
Good luck to you and enjoy that card. It sounds lovely and you are very lucky to have a man who loves you like that!
Wow HP - you are right on the money. I want his efforts to be enough but...they aren't. I do all kinds of mental gyrations to try to understand his POV but I mostly don't even know what it is. About love he is clear - he loves me, he thinks I am wonderful etc... About sex what I hear is a set of excuses UNLESS we are on vacation then all of the sudden every day or even twice/day a couple of the days is fine with him. His signals are so mixed that I just don't understand what he is really thinking. And I am lucky as can be that he loves me, says so, we get along very well and as he says everything is good on most of the cylinders.
Ok - here I go - feeling "lucky" and thinking good thoughts for the evening.
Karen, who has her olive branch extended with panties hanging off the end!!
I hit the reply button and then saw the "olive branch extended with your panties hanging off" remark and forgot what I was going to say. (It's a blood flow issue.)
Oh, yeah! Why not ask him why he's all over you on vacation but not at home? If it's something about you, then you can change it. (It won't be!) But if he says it's because of stress, work, schedule, etc, then you'll be able to ask him which way he likes it best (he'll pick vacation) and how you can make RL more of a vacation atmosphere for you both.
Perhaps the idea of making home a "vacation spot" could change his attitude. And perhaps he'll come to think of your squishy parts as his "vacation spot" instead of the beach or mountains.
Aah Barney - you just summed up my goal. I keep saying to H that I want our R to be "a soft place to fall" for both of us, a haven from things that stink. Not like, pie in the sky perfect, but a place to be real and to have REAL GOOD, SHAKE THE RAFTERS SEX.
Said olive branch was temporarily withdrawn given the late hour of H's arrival, kid issues etc... BUT will definately be extended again tonight.
Lillie - I keep thinkin that you girls are the kind of girls that I would love to do all the mommy things with - too bad we can't have a few dozen margaritas together.
With all the recent discussions of Bhuddist philosophy I just got to thinking about H's mantra of "I'm so tired." It has already begun so that I might be properly prepared for the weekend. Wonder if Bhuddist teachers ever smack their students with a stick from the bodhi tree and yell "Wrong mantra. Pick a new one."
(It's a blood flow issue.)