Quote: Came home, got pg - had some really fun pregnant sex - he loved that whole thing. Then came baby, bad business times and the current dry spell. I think we have ML about 2 or 3 times since baby came.
A guys self worth is tied up in how he can provide for his family. Us martian do a lot of cave time when we are struggling. Vensian don't understand this and want us to talk. And this drives us futher back in the cave.
Not much...he has just gone on a long car ride to meet his future SIL/SNL. There were some mechanical difficulties that were potentially dangerous to the front wheeled drive car. When he came home he said something to the effect of--"It would have been better for you if the frontend gave out and I never came home".
ED is a wicked witch!
Then we did the "You dont understand what its like not to have sex". I did my best incredulous "I don't??!!??"
Earlier in a different conversation I had asked him "and just what was I suposed to do in your mind?" His reply, "I don't know. I never thought about it."
HOW I didn't go thru the roof physically on that one I dont know. I cannot tell you a deeper hurt.
Last edited by Liese; 11/23/0412:38 AM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
That just illustrates what I said about ED. Your H was so focused on his own feelings of failure and frustration that it never even entered his mind that you would be suffering too. Try not to take it personally.
Liese, Have you ever checked out ED bulletin boards? I wonder if other women going thru what you are would be a comfort to you? I always feel bad because I cannot offer anything comforting to say b/c I simply do not know what it's like to be in your shoes. I also can't imagine the despair your husband is going through. I am thinking it would be similar to losing a limb and/or the ability to walk. Might even be worse, because ED attacks his core being, who he is fundamentally--a man.
And for you, the sense of abandonment must be overwhelming.
Check out those boards--there might be something there for you both.
Liese - I am sorry that you and your H are going through such a painful issue. I am also sorry that my H is feeling so much like a failure. My H is a very generous man and I keep wondering what is keeping the generous part in him from reaching out. Is it so hard to say - "I'm not interested in sex right now because I feel bad about work but I would love to rub your back, cuddle and kiss, bring you to O etc.... My H is so "well defended" emotionally right now that I'm not sure anymore if he is denying me or denying himself. Liese - what would your H say about that? What would he say about a hypothetical situation about another couple - you can describe my stich or one where the W has the problem and see what he says.
It occurred to me that after six weeks of no sex (and six weeks before that and multiple "talks") it is difficult for either of us to figure out how to approach. He is coming from the place of failure and I am coming from the place of protecting my own ego. So... last night when the kids went to bed I gave H a foot massage with the peppermint foot lotion (he loves those) AND just before I went to bed (before him - he was waiting up for the teens to get home)I straddled his lap and gave him several of the "passionate pecks" in a row. It warmed him up enough to say, "you'd better stop before the kids walk in on us naked on this couch."
I think that I will keep up the mini-seductions with no pressure and no initiation for a bit. After thinking hard about Schnarch and this other men's psychology book "If Men Could Talk" and give the context of H's email about feeling like a failure I decided that being too pushy might be a little emasculating at this time. I am going to work on being very touch feely but backing off and giving him room to respond of his own accord (I think Schnarch refers to this as finding his phallicness). I need to write some specific goals around this. Any thoughts men? Ladies?
Guess what. My intuition was right on the money. Sure enough - H initiated the other night but Aunt Flo was in town with a vengeance so I provided some of what I myself would like on occasion - a little OS. He was VERY interested and responsive. He was VERY huggy and lovey afterward - it was as if I had thrown a drowing man a life raft. Anyone think that this whole thing is about performance anxiety? A couple of nights later I initiated and things were fine. A little awkward though. Then as per our usual cycle - a couple of days went by with nothing then H went away on business.
I went to my appointment with the C and she agreed with me that those developments don't mean squat - they simply herald the next no sex cycle. She said that she didn't learn too much during their meeting other than that H is "worried I might leave him" (I have never said any such thing). I told her that if he was worried about that then he always had the option of providing some of what I think is lacking even if he has a million reasons against it. I asked her what was preventing him from that - she felt that perhaps to do so would bring down the wall he has built around some issue or emotion that keeps him from wanting to be "too close." We will confront him with that next Monday. Every time I go to the C I feel worse about the issue.
H will be back from business tonight. I am feeling odd so I think I had best make myself a little scarce or I am liable to cry, blow up or something that isn't helpful.
