Well - I think that sex is a small part of that shame that he feels but he expresses all that more in regard to business (self-employed, things have been tough) and in regard to "failing to express his love" to me. He does lots of loving things e.g. cooking dinner and having a bunch of people over for my birthday, randomly buying me flowers, giving me the occasional card etc... He says these are his "weak attempts at showing me how he feels." He feels upset and frustrated that my answer seems to be "that's nice how about touching me." I think I need to communicate to him that I understand that he is going through a bunch of things that I can't fix and that I understand how they could make him disinterested but I cannot understand why that would stop him from offering me some oral or manual sex.
I would bet that your H does have some similar feelings. I am currently reading a book called "If men could talk" - it is writte by Alon Gratch, PHD and discusses issues of Shame, Emotional Absence, Masculine Insecurity, Sexual Acting out etc... in a way that is very helpful in seeing through some typical guy stuff. BTW - this is NOT a man bashing book. I am very respectful of my H and many other men. It isn't any easier to be a man than it is to be a woman.
