That's my hubby too. A few weeks ago I was trying to initiate a LM session with him...and he just kept acting goofy in bed. Tickling me and acting like a clown...in short killing my libido fast! It really irritated me at the time, but now I know...he really doesn't know what to do...he's VERY uncomfortable in that situation.
He really enjoys sex once he gets into it and gets going, but he just doesn't know what to do to get there. With us it's one of two positions all the time....nothing new EVER and I can count on 2 fingers how many times I've had oral...but I give it whenever I can.
A good friend of mine recently recommended a book to me (she's aware of our situation, she's my best bud.) that she and her bf have used that's a lot of fun. It's a book that contains envelopes with ideas/suggestions...some fully sexual, some non penetration etc. I thought I'd try to find this and get it for us...because then I can be doing new stuff along with him and learning too Hopefully taking some of the awkwardness for him away in the process.
If I can find this I'll let you know what it's called, if nothing else it looks like fun...so that with a bottle of wine would probably help loosen our H's up for us to have some fun!!!
Hi Karen, Yep we do have similar situations, don't we?!
I don't have much time, baby is hungry, but I wanted to respond to the whole Squash thing.
Here is my take on it: I thought for a long time that my H's sexuality had been squashed and could therefore be un-squashed. I no longer think that.
I think that his libido has always been on the lower side and this ALLOWED him to focus on other things. To put other things first, all the while congratulating himself that he was strong and "above" such base desires. Like your H, he did not last in the seminary because he liked girls LOL, and yet I was his first girlfriend at 27. The fact that he was able to squash his normal sexual desires was a sign of his true libido, kwim? Without his body driving him on relentlessly (which is how I feel most days), he is easily able to ignore his sexuality.
I need to read your thread again in order to have some real advice for you; this was just what stuck out at first. I think that it is too easy to go looking for "reasons" for a low libido and then get caught up in a Fixit Mode. Most of the time (and again this is my opinion) I believe it is just the way the person is. Not that they can't change and become better people, but just that they will not turn into an HD person. Or revert. Or become unsquashed. They are what they are and THAT'S why their life circumstances have ended up that way, not the other way around.
I don't know if this is making a lick of sense so I will close with a question:
Why do you feel uncomfortable initiating? Has he told you not to, or does he reject you when you do?
Personally I do not like to initiate but it does work, so I do it.
What's up with the masturbation? Do you know how often it is? I am not against it, but I'd be mad as a wet hen to find out that my H would have sex with me less than once per month but wanted to mbate once a week. I would request that more of his sexual energy be directed towards you.
And I find it hard to believe that his sexuality has been stunted due to the Catholic church, since both porn and mbation are no-no's in the church. Since he attended the seminary, he most certainly knows this.
Again, not to sound anti-mb (because I realize the majority of this board is not Catholic and will think I sound bizarre!), but I would be freakin furious to know that my H was making me nutz with frustration, all the while he's happily taking care of himself and leaving me out in the cold. It would be one thing if your drives were similar and he was not taking anything away from you, but that's really not the case.
One more question: Do you talk specifically when you have the Talk? I found that I had to be painfully specific when talking to H or he wouldn't get it. Even now, when I guarantee he gets it, I still have mixed results. I'm off to write about that on my own thread, however.
Actually most of the boys/men I've known who are Catholic are HD. Or I should say that they appeared to be HD, cause one thing I've found out is that you can't judge a book by its cover!
I don't even care if my H is HD or not; I just want to get to a place where desire and sex are freely given and displayed.
I agree - I don't care about making H HD - I just care that the sexual environment is freely loving and giving and that he cares about it too. Maybe he is fundamentally LD - which is ok as long as my desires are important too.
As far as the MB - it pisses me off and I have been clear that it does. How often I'm not sure but I'm really thinking that it occurs about once/week when he is relaxed, open, working alone in his home office with no kids around etc... In other words...if I were there at that time he might actually come looking for me instead but I think MB offers an anxiety free way to take care of those pesky sexual feelings and move on to something else -like work or kids or other .... (This is the Catholic guilt thing - "I shouldn't be sitting here lusting, I should be doing something productive."
As far as my initiating...I have become uncomfortable with it because I am uncomfortable being with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm sure he would say that he doesn't feel that way but his choices say otherwise.
I think the book mentioned is called "The Great American Sex Diet" - I have it but haven't brought it up with H yet.
BTW - I don't think Catholicism is the issue but I think it does complicate some things. He actually thinks the church is rather hypocritical in the sexuality category and thinks the MB thing, the gay thing and several other issues are just plain ridiculous.
We have counseling tomorrow. I am trying to figure out what I need to plainly and directly ask and/or say. We both have Masters Degrees in Psychology so we are endlessly polite and careful with our language ("I" messages blah, blah). Sometimes it is better to be more direct - we get farther.
Karen
PS Any of you HD Catholics have a suggestion here?
It does work on a "sence of worth/desirability". Fight that feeling! It will only serve to hurt you (ooh how I know this).
Would it be totally out of character to say something like, "Want some help with that?" the next time you find him MB? Would some soft towels on the Computer Monitor Insult him into reality?
Outside of the box suggestions.
Last edited by Liese; 11/17/0403:02 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I have never found him "in the act" - he just matter of factly states that he does and mentions that he is sure that I MB too. I do and I consider it a poor substitute. That being said, I am a huge fan of "outside the box thinking." I have boxed myself in to protect my own ego in some ways - I need to be more forthright. Thanks.
Hi Karen, As far as what to plainly address or say, here is what I did. I asked him what his ideal sex life looked like in terms of frequency. He replied twice per week. I asked if he would be willing to work towards that and make it a priority in our lives. He said yes.
It sucks to have to pin down your mate on WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE ME because you want it so badly to come from a place in which they want to do it, as opposed to doing it cause they're under the gun. But you have to start somewhere, right.
Finding out what type of frequency even sounds good to him might be a good place to start.
From your description of your guy, I seriously doubt the Catholic background has one iota to do with your situation. I think that he (like my H) might just be a persnickety, anxiety-riddled fella who can't turn his mind off long enough to think to himself, Dude! She is HOT!!!!!!!!
Anyway, keep thinking of specific questions you want to ask him and make a mental list of them for your appt.
Karen, you are definitely One of Us-- again, welcome aboard this leaky boat!
You wrote
Quote: it is almost funny sometimes to be sitting there wanting your spouse, studying his body language, horny as hell and yet not being sure whether to touch him or not - YOUR SPOUSE. It just feels crazy to me.
This is CRAZY. I figured this out one day. It was a huge insight. My bf's world is CRAZY where sex is concerned. That's one reason why I posted the Happy Sex thread. That world is not crazy. That world has a natural, easy give an take in the sex zone. People who have read the thread (not just skimmed) will see that those people had sex more often than we do, but they also went through dry spells due to kids, issues, being pissed off, etc. The difference is that they eventually, and naturally, got back together. That is not the crazy world.
THIS world, where you sit desiring your spouse/partner and hesitate to approach because you don't feel welcome when you want to share the pleasure of your body-- that SHOULD make you feel crazy, because it IS crazy! Please don't lets any of us start to think it's acceptable to be scared to hug, or stroke, or kiss our spouse/partner... or to ask for sex.
If something snaps in your head one day, and you truly decide it is okay, that's one thing... but lets not be like the froggie in the pot who doesn't notice the heat is being turned up until right before he cooks. Although in our case(s) we're more likely to freeze to death than cook!
Hopefully taking some of the awkwardness for him away in the process.
