B, Reading about your history sounds a lot like mine. I have been career oriented, and pursued my Masters while working full time and have made more money than H for the last 5yrs. My job has me travelling every week, away 2 to 4 days. This schedule changed my energy level and the fact that my H refused to plan for a family and turning 35, I too became depressed. I was shocked when he said one day I don't know if I want to be with you anymore. I was a mess and he wouldn't talk to me for four weeks, then I found out he was talking to someone else on the phone. I did a lot of self reflection, trying to avoid self blaming and decided to work on myself. Since then and using some techniques from DB H has been more open. My trust has been challenged and H thinks it's no big deal talking to OW on phone since it was only talking. I have been forcing myself to stop imagining what the conversations were or what he was thinking. I actually tell myself to STOP, outloud when I'm going there. It only makes me feel bad and over somthing that's not real. You said it with patience is a virture. The hardest thing for me is letting go of the way I thought my R was perfect, the fairytale. Life was not always easy but we loved each other and I trusted him, so it was perfect. A crazy idea but I've been telling myself that it's ok, letting go of the ideals of how everything should have been or should be as helped me right now. I figure if we can talk and live together without all the anger then more answers will come to me. I need to know what I want out of life, and to spend more time in the present, not the past or the future. We are not really living if we let the present moment pass us by. Realizing you both need to work at it is so true and that determined, outgoing person you used to be before you burnt out is still in there. You need to nurture that part of you because self respect and self esteem come from inside you. I think it was in the book that I read that a marriage is about three lives, yours, his and your life together. Our H's can't provide us with every need. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry with my H's actions, but before that I internalized that anger towards myself and that leads to depression. I know I can still love him, be nice to him and be angry with him all at the same time. This change in me has made a difference don't ask me why. I still have a lot of questions but I am taking one day at a time. Michele's book "Getting Through To The Man You Love", has a chapter on "Smart Talk: How to Talk So Men Will Listen". I've used a couple of her talking tips and to my amazement its worked. If you want more info on these let me know. Keep doing those good things for, avoiding those zingers and thanks for reading. Truly, Jennifer
