Thanks for the info. I asked H this morning as he seem to be feeling close to me and he said ok as long as we didn't go far. Not sure if he really wants to but at this point I have learned through DBing that this is a step in the right direction, no matter what his reasons for saying yes are. I've been wanting to go away for a long time but we let kids and schedules get in the way for far too long. That is one of the big reasons we are where we are. This is one of the things that I definitely needed all these years. I love my kids but it's nice to forget that I am Mommy, wife, acctg. Mgr..etc.... for a while. I thought about asking another couple but it's tough. My H is a Police Officer and everyone has different schedules. My H doesn't really keep in touch with many of the childhood and good friends he had. This is another problem that we have. We cut ourselves off from everyone else, a definite cause for M death. We have it extremely tough when finding sitters. Both of our mothers are gone and everyone else is busy or far away. Now that my kids are a little older (6,4,3) It's easier to find a teenager or young adult to watch them but over night trips are still tough. You are right about my insecurities. I have many. I constantly wonder if H thinks about OW or if he is over it. It bothers me that there may be a place in his heart for someone else and I will always wonder if she is still in it. While I feel better as time goes by, I still have spells, like just the other day, where all I can do is think about this horrible past summer and wish it all away. I here some songs on the radio and it makes me think of the timeframe and wonder how many songs make my H think of her. This is beyond trust. It's about my feelings and every horrible thing my H said to me about not loving me and maybe never did and it was all always me, etc.... Then I remember the love I felt from him (a long time ago), and many times stronger than my own. I know I hurt him in ways and I know he's got his defensive wall up. I just don't know if he will ever let it down enough for me to creep back into his heart. When I completely do something without him, he gets mad and says something like "If I ever just went away for 3 days and left you with the kids, I'd have a cow" Not true...he's never gone away for 3 days so how would he know if I would get upset or not. I try to encourage him to go away with buddies but he doesn't. I always feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. It's also hard for me to find people to go on trips with. Most of them do not leave home without their spouses. I feel like my options are limited either way and sometimes very hopeless. I know I need to do these things and thanks for the advice. I have to figure out a good way how.
