Well that was kindof a crappy thing to do....come hither and then 'oh I have a stomachache'.
One thing I have found with myself is that the crud feelings come from ME not saying what I really wanted to, as opposed to the specific action that caused the feelings.
Meaning, what if you had said to her, "Is this your way of saying that you don't want to ML?" when she complained about her stomach. Depending on her answer, you could have said "I understand that you don't feel good; let's plan on it tomorrow night" or "I don't want any disguised language--if you've changed your mind about ML, just tell me and we'll deal with the consequences of that as it happens."
Or, you could tell her both.
If something goes unsaid, at least with me, it tends to fester in my head until I find myself getting pissed off about it.
Trying to take the high road bombs sometimes, eh.
Plus, I think the love language concept is a fine one--in fact, I just re-read this book last week--but (for me) it has to be done with me filling his love tank while AT THE SAME TIME requesting that he fill mine. For me, it simply does not work to silently fill his tank (I hate that phrase, btw, I feel like pouring sugar in his tank today and that may be why) and hope that he reciprocates.
In the book the author describes a woman saying to her mate: "For the next month, I am going to try to meet your needs. I will be asking you once a week how I'm doing. I hope I do a good job and that you will let me know the things you like or dislike."
This part of the experiment would be critical for me. I do not have the patience to do his love language and silently watch and see if it is working. He would (as anyone would) take it all in, be lovin life, and I'd still be in the cold. It is also somewhat unfair of the Giving Spouse to be doing this, unannounced...the Receiving Spouse is being tested and doesn't even know it.
Well that's my take anyway.
I am not the best person to be advising, though. H and I were talking the other day about his love languages. I said that I used to not meet his AOS needs in any way, shape or form. I commented that I really tried to do this these days. I asked him what his top four top service needs, just out of curiosity. He replied: 1. Mowing the lawn.....#2.... That's when I cut him off. (I know, I stink at relationships..I shoulda just let him talk, he would have come to the same conclusion anyway) I said, "I am NOT going to start mowing the grass! I already do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and 95% of the childcare. Not to mention that I cook food and freeze it for you so that you don't ever have to eat out and so you can have hot breakfasts and lunches while you are at work." (he loves this, so I do it) I'm not doing the yard, too.
He quickly backpedaled and said, Right..right...I was getting carried away. I don't even want you doing the yard; I'd feel terribly guilty and I do like the exercise.
Now, the truth is that I like mowing grass. I grew up on a farm and when I was younger, and a bit of a hellion, my punishment was always to mow the grass with a pushmower when I did something wrong. I got quite good at it, LOL, and learned to enjoy the solitude and opportunity for reflection that it provided. ha ha. Anyway, the point is that I don't mind mowing grass but I am up to HERE with acts of service. I aint doing anymore.
However, I shouldn't have cut him off. I try not to do that, as it is one thing that HE does to me constantly and I hate it. So I suppose it was one of those Loaded Questions...I asked him what his top 4 needs were but I didn't really want to hear the answer. I wanted him to say the things that I already do, lol.
Which he did in the next breath. He never finished his list because he got embarrassed when he realized that the things he was asking for I would gladly do, or already do, and yet he could not say the same. He ended the conversation by saying, You know what...never mind. You are a great wife and I am the one who needs to step up the love language activity, not you.
Wow that was a big tangent.
What I wanted to say is that maybe you need to practice saying your thoughts as you have them, and not allowing them to fester and that way you won't coast along for weeks feeling ok and then crash, big time.
You are only a man, and doing all her AOS as well as zipping the lip is too much to ask, imo.
Then again, as hairdoggie always says, My advice is worth exactly what you paid for it.
