well nothing is working at my house and today i'm really down about it. Normally i can shake it off by just interrupting the thoughts but today nothing works. i guess its been about 3.5 wks since making love and its clear my W behaviour hasn't really changed a bit in three years of me working on myself.
I was doing really well about controlling my emotions and sexual desire but today everything seems just broken.
the `180 technique works in a lot of instances such as getting her to take ownership for picking up clothes off her side of bed, etc.
It's days like today that are tearing me up;i feel like my guts are twisting inside.
i wish i knew how to Lovingly distance and not withdraw...
It seems like a seesaw. i'm pretty sure i knowher love languages. they're 1. receiving gifts and 2. acts of service. So i do plenty of these. my languages are physical touch and quality time. i don't gert much of either. she knows these are important to me but simply for some reason is unable to provide them. yesterday she was off, which is a rarity. she slept in so i did some chores. When she got up i was ready to rake some leaves. her work called so she was on the phone with them for about 1.5 hr. which worked out since i had yard work. by twelve i had all the chores done, we watched a football gme together.
she told me she was going to start dinner at 4 so we could eat early. we ate and were done with everything. when i came in from taking the trash out she was taking a bath. she called me and said to warm the bed up with that come hither look. then she came in and said her stomach was bothering her. So i figured it would be better another time when she was feeling better.
it's just the effort required to hold onto myself is so high that i'm emotionally exhausted and then become susceptable to depression.
i guess its just part of the process. thanks for asking.
Believe me I know exactly how you feel. It is difficult to stay optimistic isn't it. Here's what helps me though...you mentioned your wives love languages....well how does she show her love towards you currently?
See...I learned to recognize the different ways my husband displays his love for me and that helps me when I get down, if I can recognize them at the time. When I can't though, or when I just get too distraught over the entire situation and find it difficult to HOM I try to channel that into something more positive. Sort of like what I posted in a new post this morning "New Discoveries..."
It's times like this when I realllllly need to be able to have an open/honest discussion with my H. Are you and your wife at a point yet where you feel you can do that...or do you feel she shuts you out?
i think she responds in her languages: candy from grocery store where she works. if i ask her to refill a prescription, she'll come home and say here i got this for you. Sometimes she'll watch a football gme with me or sometimes rub my forehead.
Sometimes when we go to bed she'll pull me in close to here when wer're spooning and then 45 minutes later she won't even let me get close to her. i try not to take it personally. i'm not sure she 's ready to have uncomfortable conversations again.
i guess my real fear is that our sex. R will never come back and i''ll have to choose: stay in an unsatisfactory R or leave and live with consequences. ("well bob, i really would like to see what's behind door #3"). As to this morning i don't know what set me off. haven't had a day that bad since i stopped therapy 6 wks. ago.
i can't shake the feeling of being played but i'm probably just projecting.
I notice you say you aren't sure if she's ready to have uncomfortable conversations again. She doesn't have to be ready to have them...the fact is they need to happen, whether she's ready for them or not. If you have something weighing on you let it out, communicate it clearly. If she gets angry...so be it.
This is very important and something I really just came to the realization with my own hubby about. We continually side-stepped each others feelings, in order not to hurt each other. I didn't have the "uncomfortable" conversations with my H because I didn't want to push. But ya know what? It didn't do either of us any favors...it simply avoided the issues.
Personally I think it's really important to continue having those conversations, whether she's ready for it or not. Now of course I'm not saying be an ass about it LOL. Say what you have to say, ask what you need to, expect a response of some type (after all it's disrespectful for her to ignore/dismiss you). But say your piece...don't hold it in.
I told my H this weekend that I was tired of doing an emotional do-se-do with him and that I wasn't going to do it anymore. From now on I'm going to say what I have to say, when I need to say it. He doesn't have to be happy about it, but I'm going to do what I need to anyway. Surprisingly he said "ok, sounds fair enough."
Well that was kindof a crappy thing to do....come hither and then 'oh I have a stomachache'.
One thing I have found with myself is that the crud feelings come from ME not saying what I really wanted to, as opposed to the specific action that caused the feelings.
Meaning, what if you had said to her, "Is this your way of saying that you don't want to ML?" when she complained about her stomach. Depending on her answer, you could have said "I understand that you don't feel good; let's plan on it tomorrow night" or "I don't want any disguised language--if you've changed your mind about ML, just tell me and we'll deal with the consequences of that as it happens."
Or, you could tell her both.
If something goes unsaid, at least with me, it tends to fester in my head until I find myself getting pissed off about it.
Trying to take the high road bombs sometimes, eh.
Plus, I think the love language concept is a fine one--in fact, I just re-read this book last week--but (for me) it has to be done with me filling his love tank while AT THE SAME TIME requesting that he fill mine. For me, it simply does not work to silently fill his tank (I hate that phrase, btw, I feel like pouring sugar in his tank today and that may be why) and hope that he reciprocates.
In the book the author describes a woman saying to her mate: "For the next month, I am going to try to meet your needs. I will be asking you once a week how I'm doing. I hope I do a good job and that you will let me know the things you like or dislike."
This part of the experiment would be critical for me. I do not have the patience to do his love language and silently watch and see if it is working. He would (as anyone would) take it all in, be lovin life, and I'd still be in the cold. It is also somewhat unfair of the Giving Spouse to be doing this, unannounced...the Receiving Spouse is being tested and doesn't even know it.
Well that's my take anyway.
I am not the best person to be advising, though. H and I were talking the other day about his love languages. I said that I used to not meet his AOS needs in any way, shape or form. I commented that I really tried to do this these days. I asked him what his top four top service needs, just out of curiosity. He replied: 1. Mowing the lawn.....#2.... That's when I cut him off. (I know, I stink at relationships..I shoulda just let him talk, he would have come to the same conclusion anyway) I said, "I am NOT going to start mowing the grass! I already do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and 95% of the childcare. Not to mention that I cook food and freeze it for you so that you don't ever have to eat out and so you can have hot breakfasts and lunches while you are at work." (he loves this, so I do it) I'm not doing the yard, too.
He quickly backpedaled and said, Right..right...I was getting carried away. I don't even want you doing the yard; I'd feel terribly guilty and I do like the exercise.
Now, the truth is that I like mowing grass. I grew up on a farm and when I was younger, and a bit of a hellion, my punishment was always to mow the grass with a pushmower when I did something wrong. I got quite good at it, LOL, and learned to enjoy the solitude and opportunity for reflection that it provided. ha ha. Anyway, the point is that I don't mind mowing grass but I am up to HERE with acts of service. I aint doing anymore.
However, I shouldn't have cut him off. I try not to do that, as it is one thing that HE does to me constantly and I hate it. So I suppose it was one of those Loaded Questions...I asked him what his top 4 needs were but I didn't really want to hear the answer. I wanted him to say the things that I already do, lol.
Which he did in the next breath. He never finished his list because he got embarrassed when he realized that the things he was asking for I would gladly do, or already do, and yet he could not say the same. He ended the conversation by saying, You know what...never mind. You are a great wife and I am the one who needs to step up the love language activity, not you.
Wow that was a big tangent.
What I wanted to say is that maybe you need to practice saying your thoughts as you have them, and not allowing them to fester and that way you won't coast along for weeks feeling ok and then crash, big time.
You are only a man, and doing all her AOS as well as zipping the lip is too much to ask, imo.
Then again, as hairdoggie always says, My advice is worth exactly what you paid for it.
