I believe that he would say my basic need is physical affection. I don't know that he would add on the love part or wanting to be wanted. Maybe. I've said it enough times, in a kind and compassionate way. Look, I am not a ball buster. I am kind to the point of spoilage. (spoiling him, I mean) When he takes the initiative to promise something and then craps out, I go into a rage. We've been working on this for 2+ years now and I could not count the number of times he has done this. I am getting mad not only at this past incident from Tuesday night, but also for all the other Tuesday nights in the past. Fair? No. Neither is the fact that he has done this to me repeatedly without learning a lesson or trying to change it. Even this morning he wrote me, "I cannot guarantee that I'll never do this again, but I will try harder." I wrote back simply: Then I cannot guarantee that I won't meltdown on you and lash out.
As far as discussing our needs, yes, we have sat down and discussed it. He said that he had no further needs for me to meet--and he appreciated my willingness to talk religion with him--and then asked me to start mowing the grass. I said No, (and cut him off) and that was that. I should have let the man speak and I do regret that. I was just a little put off that, in addition to everything I do around here, now he was asking me to mow the grass! Then I told him my needs which in retrospect I can see that I wasn't entirely clear, or forthcoming. I cleared that up this last weekend.
Last night I was absolutely focusing on myself to the point of destruction. My kids were crying, supper was not made and still I went after him, attack after attack. I am not proud of this, NOP. Especially the part about the crying kids. Today I have tried to make it up to them, but can you really ever make it up to your kids after being an ass?
I would say that both H and I are focused on ourselves to the point of being silly. The more he focuses on himself, the more I do the same. And vice versa. Pretty soon we are in opposite corners, preparing for battle. And, Marine or no, he is no match for me.
So here are my requirements: 1. Keep your word. 2. Give and receive, both when you want to and just because your spouse needs it.
You will note that receive is up there. My H is a giver and oftentimes does not let ME give. This deprives me of a lot in our sexual R. I need to feel that he wants me and wants things from me and that that particular street is not one way. Well, I'm probably not making sense any more so I will sign off.
Interesting questions. I'll ask him what he perceives my basic needs as and see what he says.
Quote: Last night I was absolutely focusing on myself to the point of destruction. My kids were crying, supper was not made and still I went after him, attack after attack. I am not proud of this, NOP. Especially the part about the crying kids. Today I have tried to make it up to them, but can you really ever make it up to your kids after being an ass?
((HP))
I wish I had some advice for how to deal with H, or how to handle your anger, but i really don't...(though it does sound as though you guys are getting things out in the open, which probably is always messy, but if done right...)
But I can give you a word about the kids. They'll forgive you. Give them a hug and kiss, and tell them you're sorry you were so grumpy yesterday. Explain even that sometimes Mommy + Daddy get mad, just like they probably get mad at each other. They'll probably hug and kiss you back and say 'that's ok mommy, we love you!' And they'll mean it. They have to - you're their mommy.
Not to mention, that next time, they'll remember what you said, and they might even understand a little - mommy's grumpy right now, but she'll be ok again in a little while.
Don't underestimate those little minds! (not that I can imagine you doing that)
Quote: Mr.HP MrL : I am tired of my efforts not being enough. We've made love almost every night this week (well I sat on the corner of her bed, and took care of the animals) and yet all you focus on is the one thing I DIDN'T do. I realize I'm self centered (MrL would never say that but this he's said!) but I thought I was doing better.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: Last night I was absolutely focusing on myself to the point of destruction. My kids were crying, supper was not made and still I went after him, attack after attack. I am not proud of this, NOP. Especially the part about the crying kids. Today I have tried to make it up to them, but can you really ever make it up to your kids after being an ass?
Massive {{{{HoneyHugs}}}}
I told my daughter, that try as we might and as much as we loved her, there were going to be times when she would look back on the quality of our parenting skills and ask herself, "WTF?"
Okay, so I didn't use that exact phrase, but that is definitely an accurate paraphrase of the sentiment.
At appropriate age-related times, we would share with her some of the more glorious child-rearing moments we had personally experienced from our parents, what lessons had been gleaned from those experiences, and assured her that some of the quirks she was going to have to deal with as an adult would be a direct result of our parenting boo-boos.
We also added that a sure sign of maturity is when, rather than blaming mom & dad and acquiescing to personality/character problems, she chose to work on those "issues".
So, don't add this one concern to the load you're currently carrying. 18 or so years of steady, good parenting won't be destroyed by the occasional parental-unit emotional meltdown.
