How I know about what happens when you "let up." And yes, you are getting "set up" - sometimes I wonder if there is something appealing about your anger? I'm not sure what the real cause is of the momentum then the lack of it. I'm not sure what goes on inside his head. I guess if I understood your H then I would better understand mine. Nonetheless, have a nice cup of tea, wash your face, do something nice for yourself and know that I understand.
Karen, How funny, I was sitting here sipping tea as I read your reply.
Hairy-yes I know I need to lighten up.
Here are my feelings in a nutshell: I do not trust him.
I do not trust that he takes this seriously, that he will meet my needs and that he shares the goal with me of creating a great sex life. His words and his behavior never seem to mesh.
I suppose that until I trust him to hold up his end....OR, he EARNS that trust by doing just that...that I will continue to spaz out.
I realize that I am controlling the situation with my anger. I want to abdicate that responsibility and have him take his up 50%.
I want, I want, I want.
NOP, YOu know, one question has been bobbing around my brain since yesterday. WHY do I need him to want me. Why, indeed?
I can't come up with an answer to that one and it is driving me crazy. I believe I have communicated this to him as best as I can, but as Corri pointed out, perhaps I am not doing that hot of a job if he still doesn't get it.
Thanks all.
Honey, who is attempting to channel her inner MamaHD and lighten up, calm down, realize that this shall pass (as it always does) and to be gracious and grateful for what I have. Amen. LOL
I'm sorry that you can't snap your fingers (or talk about it once) and make it right. It seems to me that you should be able to, so it must be a HD thing.
FWIW, I don't think you're being unreasonable in what you want. It appears that Mr.HP's ephiphany was a momentary glimpse at the light rather than a new sun in his universe. That doesn't make you wrong in what you want, IMO.
Quote: YOu know, one question has been bobbing around my brain since yesterday. WHY do I need him to want me.
I think the desire for physical closeness exists at a very primal visceral level. The sense of being accepted and WANTED physically takes us right back to the cradle, when we needed that basic love just to survive.
When I told someone once about my bf's standoffishness, they said, "Gosh, it's as if you ran to your mom or dad with your arms outstretched, wanting a hug, and they just shoved you aside." That's EXACTLY how it feels to me. It's something so simple, so affirming, so easy to give. And yet that rejection feels like the rejection of my most basic total vulnerable self. And the lack of wanting me is just a hop, skip, and a jump from rejection.
I mean if you put a soft kitten in someone's lap, it's a REFLEX, for Pete's sake, to PET it! And yet, my bf can spoon beside me naked every night for weeks and never have the desire to take it further. Or if he has the desire, he doesn't let me know... (I know there's some illogic in there. )
I am sorry that you two are fighting. As long as you don't say or do things that will cause permanent hurt, then it really is just a part of the process.
Quote: --------------- NOP, YOu know, one question has been bobbing around my brain since yesterday. WHY do I need him to want me. Why, indeed? ---------------
And the answer is so simple that it is easy to miss. We ALL need to be wanted. It is basic human.
What makes it so interesting is that your husband has exactly the same need as you, yet needs it filled in a different way than you.
What I was trying to encourage you to do yesterday, was to attempt to meet his need both as a reward for his efforts, even if they are lame, and as an acknowledgment that his need is legitimate and as important as yours.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HP: it seems that you are striving for perfection in Mr.HP, and it ain't happening. Why get mad? He's human. It takes time for humans to change their behavior/attitude. Please give him a little break.
NOP, Thank you for your thoughts. I have indeed communicated this thought to him. I try to do a good job of sharing my thoughts but I know that I tend to overwhelm him. I know that I need to be wanted, much in the same way that my kids need me to want THEM.
D5 will often come to me and stand next to me. She needs a hug but is getting to the age where she doesn't want to ask for it or climb into my lap. I know exactly what she wants and I can only think of a few instances in which I would deny her this, such as: I'm going to the bathroom, lol, or I have a pan of boiling water in my hands and am trying to dump it in colander, or things of that nature. Otherwise, she gets it and she gets it with an open and generous heart. H would never see her standing there and ignore her.
I think, though, that his perception is that I am like D5, only she is standing there ALL THE TIME wanting a hug. He (and frankly me too) would be exasperated by that and want to tell her to go away.
The truth is that I don't want a hug all the time, but I do want it much more than what he feels comfortable giving.
My question about why I want him to want me had to do with my own self and thoughts like: Do I want him to want me to prop up my own esteem? (I don't think so) Do I need him to want me to take away feelings of physical buildup? Yeah you betcha. Do I want him to want me just because, dammit, he should? ( sheepishly admitting Yes) Etc. That's why I was really trying to search deep within myself to make sure that my motives in pushing for his desire were 'pure' or legitimate and not wanting him to provide something that is lacking in myself. Hope that makes sense.
As far as his needs go, yes he sees me making efforts and is pleased as punch. He says that there are no areas in which he wants me to try harder. I mentioned the exercise the other day, but as I said that appeals to him in a "I want to teach you to exercise and then I want to back off and you do it by yourself". Believe me, if there were an avenue to pursue...a way to change, I would be pursuing it. I have my list of goals and I do LOOK at them everyday, lol, even if I fail to accomplish them.
The funny thing is that 3 out of the 6 goals have to do with physical affection. He is a physical person and wants affection, nonsexual, and this primes him towards feeling sexual towards me.
Ok, enough from me. Gotta clean the house and the kids. What a herculean task.
I do not want or need perfection from Mr. HP. I need to see an honest effort and a genuine attempt to keep his word. If he does those two things I will happily accept whatever comes my way. AND THAT IS THE TRUTH.
My pissiness comes about because he overcommits himself and I foolishly believe him and am disappointed. Why does he overcommit himself? Because I push him.
Good advice, duly noted. I will really make an effort to stop pushing MrHP so hard.
Arentcha proud of me for not saying, Aw shutup..that's the worst advice I ever heard.
HP wrote: ------------- My question about why I want him to want me had to do with my own self and thoughts like: Do I want him to want me to prop up my own esteem? (I don't think so) Do I need him to want me to take away feelings of physical buildup? Yeah you betcha. Do I want him to want me just because, dammit, he should? ( sheepishly admitting Yes) Etc. That's why I was really trying to search deep within myself to make sure that my motives in pushing for his desire were 'pure' or legitimate and not wanting him to provide something that is lacking in myself. Hope that makes sense. -------------
Makes perfect sense. The next logical question is; have you two sat down and discussed your respective needs (just like you outlined above), openly and honestly?
Before you say yes let me ask another question.
If I were to ask your hubby what your basic need was, would he tell me the same thing that you told me in the above quote or would he just say 'sex'?
It takes a fair bit of effort to truly understand another's needs.
As TNC encouraged you to ease up on him a bit. I want to take that a step further.
As a "high drive" person, it is very easy to focus on yourself to the point of being destructive. That is why it is vitally important at this stage to be kind with your spouse, and really notice the small efforts and accomplishments.
All of us have to realize when real effort is taking place. The last thing any of us want to do is to quell the very thing we are striving for, by beating our partners into a position of being unable to perform, or even worse, unwilling to perform after having tried so hard.
You guys are doing fine.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
) 
