Thanks for the reality check. We all want to be "good enough." Isn't that true of the HD folks as well? We don't understand why we aren't "good enough" to be really wanted. For most fellas the wood is in part dependent on that feeling of being our hero. My H is very into heroic behaviors - very big on community service. I need to remember that.
NOP, I have expressed it to him in those words countless times, as clearly as I can. I can tell you, though, that he continues to think it is due to some vain womanly need to feel beautiful and desirable. Which.......it is, partly. But if that were all it was, I would head out on the town and bask in all the male attention I could attract!
I don't know WHY I need him to want me and I don't know how to express it to him. Frankly, at this point, I'm not sure it would make a damn bit of difference.
Look, I am married to a person who would rather withhold something that I asked for than give in and do it. Is this really someone I want to try to communicate further with? Is this really the type of person that I give a rat's ass whether he gets what I am all about or not?
If his pride is that goshdamned important to him, then let him ML to that, alone.
I'm outta here. Going to take the kids for a playdate and act like my life is hunky dory! And, actually, getting out of here will do wonders for my state of mind. Then I get to come home and fix H a marvelous steak dinner that I promised him before I found out that I've been making an ass of myself for several yrs now, trying to entice him with something that he doesn't give a rip about.
P.S. Nop, I hear ya on the performance issue. I forgot to respond to that. I'm not sure what to think about that one, as my H is totally up for sex as long as it is entirely by his rules. So does performance anxiety only come when there is a request for something, as opposed to being driven by H? And bear in mind that the things I request are always the stuff that we do anyway. THere is never a request for anything that he doesn't do on his own.
I thought that I had communicated to him a few weeks ago that I wasn't angling for monkey sex. I told him....H, what you've been doing lately is exactly what I was talking about--thank you for trying and for being such a great lover! He was tickled by that.
I'm confused and hungry and really leaving this time.
Karen said: ----------- My H is very into heroic behaviors - very big on community service. I need to remember that. -----------
Talk about easy targets, the "damsel in distress" part should present little challenge for you to meet. In fact, for a cunning woman, that one could be down right fun :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It does sound like he felt pressure/high expectation over the "event" and most of this was of his own making. He really makes it worse on himself and he ends up confusing and disappointing you. He then lets himself off the hook entirely by saying he isn't into ( oral) anymore.
At this point, you can safely forget about the testosterone check,lol. I think Freud himself would have a tough time with all this, let alone the formidable Honey.
Don't make any over-generalizations about what the future will hold. Your H, like mine, has that self-centered thing going on,which I sometimes see as a manly trait, and other times it just pisses me off. Tell him how much the oral makes you feel sexy about you and get the focus off him. Let him come for a taste on his own terms...no sense butting heads over this one now.
Try not to lose sight of the real goal. The real goal is to connect with hubby in a sustainable fashion. If it was just 'great sex' all the time with little emotional involvement in other areas, you would quickly tire of it. You know my background.
The 'process' means one spouse steps up and you both learn from it. Then the other steps up. Eventually, you learn to enjoy each others company in most areas of your life instead of just a few. That certainly makes it easier to meet each others more difficult or less interesting (at least to us) needs.
You have considered your husbands need (maybe not a need, but he likes it) for religious conversation. You found that he is interesting to talk too, even if the subject sucks for you. It seems that exercise might be the next interest to address.
You feel that hubby just doesn't 'get it' on your sexual needs, but you need to see that he is trying. Does he see you trying to meet his less interesting (to you) needs?
I have to tell you that with MrsNOP and me, A's are routinely given for good effort. A genuine good effort is after all, because the spouse WANTS TO. That is a good step toward making someone feel wanted.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I needed Momma Hairdog there in a big way to tell me to not forget the good as I pushed on for the perfect.
Here is a synopsis:
HP: I do not like the following dynamic. 1. "I will give what I want when I want it." 2. "I may tell you that I will do something and then refuse to do it when the time comes."
In addition to that, I will not be made to beg. I am too valuable and kind and beautiful of a woman to be reduced to such idiotic behavior.
Mr.HP: I am tired of my efforts not being enough. We've made love almost every night this week and yet all you focus on is the one thing I DIDN'T do. I realize I'm self centered but I thought I was doing better.
There was much more but that was the main points. It was quite awful, really. One of our worst fights.
Here is the final analysis: I am absolutely terrified to let go. To relax and allow the process to take place. I have been controlling both the frequency and the quality with my anger. This is the only way my H 'remembers' to be sexual--if he's faced with the threat of me getting peeved.
Folks, I am dreadfully tired of this setup. Just contemplating having to get mad again wears me out. Things go SO well for a matter of days or even a week and then go back to being weird. It is very easy to say, Just let go and relax. But you know what? Nothing will happen. I have tried this numerous times and if I relax, so does he. He recognizes this and admits it.
I don't know what to do anymore, I'm exhausted from last night and yet I have a strange feeling that we are on the MOVE, regardless of how much it hurt.
'cept that H's vocabulary has the word "NO (said with insistance)" C says I'm married to an ELVIS...and that once the child is born...