NOP, I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic there or not, but I don't think you were.
For the record, I don't think the hot sex was related to the previous behavior at all, either. I think he just happened to finally wake up and was channeling any lust he may have been feeling from earlier in the day. I further think that I would have gotten the oral had he not just lubed me up with Astroglide. (which I don't think tastes bad at all)
IF I can get him to frickin wake up, I am usually thrilled with what ensues. I don't even mind the half asleep quickies. I do mind the buildup for.....nothing. That pisses me off.
I also am wondering if this is how the scheduled sex is going to be? I am going to address that tonight I think. That the schedule will never work--and neither will our sex life in general--if it's not taken seriously. If he can come to me and say that he's heading off to dreamland on a night when we had a HOT date planned, then I don't think he's serious. Epiphany or not, he wants his own way. He wants to not be the selfish person that he currently is. But he is evidently finding it hard to ditch the selfish behaviors. And, note that I am not in a foul mood at ALL as I write that! I'm really in a good mood and H and I have been communicating really well all day. I am just in a place where I feel like I am seeing things as clearly as I can, given that I am all wrapped up in the situation.
And, NOP, you will also find it interesting that he is having a hellacious work week. He is barely hanging in there, not eating and working late. Came dragging in the door 2 hours late last night, etc. Don't think that this is lost on me--it's not. I even said for him to change his clothes and sit down and I would fetch him a beer (he found that humorous) and take care of him. I really do care about him and don't want to add to his stress. That's why I offered several times to give him a rain check and do it all another night. I even said, H--NO HARD FEELINGS, all right? Let's just do it another night if you are not up to it.
But he insists that he is (and was semi-convincing), then goes to sleep anyway and offers some lame two second oral finale that I passed on. Oh well, like I said, he ended up totally getting into it and was just so erotic that I couldn't believe it was my H, so he is attempting to stretch himself. But, like Journey's H, he will do it on his own terms I guess. Stubborn jackass men do not realize what they are missing out on.
Honeypot, who loves oral and has waited long enough!
There is something interesting I have seen in myself, and old snarky boy made mention of it in an article that Lillie pointed out to me.
When MrsNOP and I are having a 'good' heart to heart, even if it is a difficult one, but one where we are connecting, Mr Wood shows up. Evidently, this is something of a 'proof' that emotional intimacy and sexuality are directly related. If that is indeed true, then the social stigma of treating sex as anything less than a serious emotional need has to be taken to task.
Obviously, spouses need to be the first to recognize the legitimacy of the need.
The effect is likely already heavily documented, but it is fairly new to me.
:-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP How interesting! I just recently discovered this about myself, say, in the last two weeks or so. I don't know why it surprised me, but it did. To find that my sex drive is much less about physical urges and more about the emotion of connecting with him is pretty neat. I mean, I always paid lipservice to that idea but to find my body actually backing it up has surprised even me!
I discovered it as I was trying to process Corri's request that her husband only approach her when he was feeling truly horny. So I started really paying attention to when, specifically, I was horny and what triggered it. Before, I can't say that I really paid attention.
And, yes, even during and especially after any sort of difficult talk, I want him. It triggers something in me..the intimacy created by talking (along with physical proximity) flows into the strongest urge to ML.
Well, NOP, you'll be glad to know that I decided to chill on the whole oral thing. It was a bad day for him, plain and simple. I re-read my postings of today and I thought, Sheesh cut the fella some slack. Not that he handled it well--he didn't. He pulled some bullsh*t passive aggressive stuff with the "I'm going to get a head start on my sleep" comment. He should have had the guts to say that he didn't want to, after all. Yeah, it would have triggered all sorts of Been there, done that feelings in me and I may have picked a fight, but at least he would have been being honest.
I think he is afraid to ever break a 'date' because he knows that I'll flip out. Although sex should be taken seriously, there are times when it needs to take a backseat because of extreme stress, etc. I believe yesterday was one of those days. I wish I had just TOLD him that we were rescheduling instead of leaving it up to him. He prolly thought it was a trick question, lol.
I so wish that he took refuge and comfort in my body when stressed, but ya know what, he doesn't. It is not how his body responds to stress.
Today is a new day and I'm excited for him to come home. Gotta stay positive.
Very mature of you. I like that it sounds like you are truly being considerate and caring and not just backing away from potential conflict. Sometimes when we back off at the right time it makes "space" for them to come in. I just have difficulty getting the timing right on that sometimes.
Something was not sitting right in my brain and I couldn't let it go.
Here you have a person (my H) who professes to love something, miss it, can't wait to do it, and when given the opportunity flakes out and doesn't want to do it after all. This didn't make sense to me. His behavior is not matching his words. So we ML last night and after it was over, my brain started racing. It does this sometimes..I get a clarity of thought that I didn't previously. I have actually figured out some tough problems after sex--it gets my synapses firing or something, who knows! Anyway, I realized what I just wrote above--that his actions were not matching his words. I asked him about it and he replied that he really didn't like it as much as before.
I started firing questions at him, rapidly, and as always he began to shut down and contradict himself.
I'm tired of him changing the rules halfway into the game. I have run out of things that turn him on. This was the last thing I had in my arsenal that drove him crazy. Everything else has been exhausted and no longer does anything for him.
He said last night that intercourse is really the only thing that does it for him, these days.
I'm lookin ahead at a diet of intercourse only and thinking it sounds pretty boring and bleak.
I like to think that I am an optimistic person but he defeats me. He makes me want to throw in the towel ya know. I don't GET anything out of the sexual R but a headache!
I wonder if he realizes how much I have to struggle to continue to find him attractive and his sexual style appealing..?
Furthermore, even if his preferences HAVE changed, he knew I was expecting it this week so why withhold it? His answer? He doesn't like me to request sexual things of him. He wants to "give it when he feels like it" not when I ask for it (directly or indirectly, as I did by saying 'let me know when you are ready'). According to him, asking for it creates pressure and causes him to withhold. He said he wants to do it when it sounds good.
Folks this is fine with me, it really is.
But what about the minority of times when I really DO want something specific? What...do I have to do some kinda bullcrud reverse psychology and ask for what I DON'T want so that I have a chance of getting it?
Sounds like you feel that he dangled the proverbial "carrot." Maybe he did. My C says that when H does the flowers and cards thing that what he is communicating is - I can't be who you want but just don't leave. I fervently hope it isn't as lame as all that. I also am struggling with maintaining a continued sexual interest in the face of all the rules, rules, rules... Your H's communication seems to be about "I want to do what I want about the SR and I want you to still love me and want me even if it doesn't meet your needs." That is why the contradiction - for him it isn't a contradiction -it is always the "correct" expression of what he wants at that time. Do you think that is right or not?
What he REALLY wants is not "just intercourse", or just anything he can think of.
What he really wants to say is "ALL THIS SEX PERFORMANCE CRAP IS MAKING ME NUTS". Most importantly, he doesn't understand why he is not 'good enough'.
You ladies with the lower drive husbands have a tough line to walk. How far do you push before hubby's wood whittles. You get into the whole self esteem issue.
One of the first things MrsNOP and I had to work out was how she had felt like she was never good enough, in fact never would be good enough in bed for me. Like a lot of high drive people, gasping for sexual/emotional air, I was grabbing for anything to hold on to.
Speaking here of early recovery, her interpretation of my grasping was to withdraw in order to protect her esteem. The real fact was that I was desperate to be 'connected' with her (sexually and emotionally).
She had thought for years that I wanted wild 'monkey' sex. Honestly, I never cared about the performance so much with her as I did care about being wanted. The problem was that it took me years to be able to express that simple truth.
So, HP, let me ask you a simple question. Does your hubby know that you need him to want you, and why you need him to want you?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I continue to be baffled by your H. However, at least you're getting some action. As my mama once said, don't forget about the good while you're searching for the perfect.
Maybe he's forgotten how to do it properly? If he needs some lessons . . . . Aw, forget it.
Hairdog, who's always thought of himself as a rather cunning linguist.
