WB, That is exactly where I am at right now. I know that he gets it (for the umpteenth time) and yet I fully expect him to drift back to his old behavior patterns. Why? I don't know! Because that's what he has done, historically.
So it remains to be seen whether I should feel optimistic or not. In the meantime, I will enjoy whatever comes my way and work on those goals.
I should add one thing: I mentioned a noteworthy item from the Victorias Secret catalog to H last night and not only did he not roll his eyes, he was actually enthusiastic! Could it be my old friend progress?! Now, he did not say "Buy it, buy it!" nothing of that sort. But I appreciated it nonetheless.
I am really happy for you guys. It sounds to me that your H finally had an epiphany like my H did back in the C office...where he finally "got it" too.
You may have hit a turning point in this problem, now that he's really able to relate to how important this is to you (at a minimum, with praying about it). Obviously his religion is very important to him, and pointing out to him that you've prayed over how to deal with this...well, I would think that would at the very least hit something he can relate to.
I'm soooo proud of you for finally coming out and saying what you needed to. HP, if you are half the woman you are on this board (and I have no doubt that you are) don't be afraid to show your husband that woman...she's a great person!!
That's so easy for me to say...but that's what I'm working on doing myself with my H. I'm trying so hard not to harbor hurt feelings and to let them out...and to let him see that sexy, intelligent, goofball that I am. And in turn allow him to show me the real him as well, which I know he hasn't...and am waiting anxiously to see.
Great progress & geat post! Now, lets go have that beer
Lassie! I'm surprised at you. We are both on central time and it is barely 8:00. A beer, indeed!
Well, ok, you talked me into it. hee hee
Thanks for the well wishes. He has had many epiphanies since we began working on things. Only time will tell if this is one that will keep speaking to him from his shoulder..whispering..."she's sexy, go on and give her some lurvv"
The fact that I confess it really floored him. I wonder why it would? Surely he is aware of how mean I can get when we are not having sex? And surely he thinks that it is unacceptable to treat your beloved like that..?
TODAY I am calling for the medical checkup. You reminded me of it in another thread, thankyou. Like you, I seriously doubt that he has any problems with his hormones. In fact, I would be astounded if he did. (and I'd feel terrible for assuming he is just a whacko )
Thanks for the well wishes; things are still going well but, please, it's only been 3 days! lol Last night we had some really good sex..very intimate and loving and sexy and fun.
Lass, The appointment is made. I am anxious to see if everything checks out okay with the cyst on his head and I also inquired about the T test. Although the nurse said that (this doesn't make sense to me) he will have to bring that up with the doctor himself. I can make the appt about the growth on his skull but I cannot say, Yo doc check his hormones while you're at it.
So I will have to rely on H to bring it up. Somehow I don't see this happening. He might if I pitch a humongous fit right before the appt but I will not do that. He is a big boy and if he has truly had an epiphany, then he will know that I am serious about this and will act accordingly. I will tell him that it's up to him to bring it up (which will probably cause a fight in and of itself) and hope for the best.
I cannot begin to describe my feelings when asking him to have this checked. I felt SO bad. As if I was saying, You are definitely broken, now go get checked out. Or, You MUST have low T cause you don't act very manly.
It felt hurtful of me to be saying this to him. He received it very well, I have to give him his props, but I still felt like sh*t even saying it to him.
Since then I have felt this need to pump him up..tell him how masculine and manly I think he is. And he is! But I have resisted that urge because it would no doubt have a false or manipulative ring to H.
I am nervous about telling him that I have made this appt, since things are going soooooo well, and we have a hot date tonight (the honeypot's gonna see some oral action for the first time since..what...SPRING??) but ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right.
The way I see it, it's noon somewhere in the world LOL & Hey! Beer does have some nutritional value
I approached my H with having his T-level checked by saying "if nothing else, we can rule this out as the problem." That seemed to work for him, avoided (I think) hurting his self-esteem...and of course I threw in there that if indeed he did have a low T-level that could be a possible early indicator of more serious physical problems...that seemed to kick him into motion.
You know...I had to be very wary on how I approached this topic too. I didn't want to be hurtful, or appear that I was trying to say the ENTIRE problem was all his fault...or that he was defective. To be honest, in retrospect...I was probably a bit too woosey in my approach, but at least he did get checked.
Quote: Surely he is aware of how mean I can get when we are not having sex? And surely he thinks that it is unacceptable to treat your beloved like that..?
I've been having this same dilemma lately since Mr. W is all helpful and cuddly. I feel bad because I get cranky not having sex when he's being nice otherwise. I try to tell myself that it's just a hormonal feeling like PMS and I should try to not attach any heavy emotions or negative thoughts to it because if I can't keep my sense of humor about the disparity in our sex drives, I am less likely to be able to create the sort of "light" atmosphere that will be more likely to actually garner me some sex.
Th problem is that over-intellectualizing my sex drive is only a sort of delaying tactic, like telling yourself that you shouldn't snack because you want to enjoy cooking and eating your dinner. Eventually, the stomach starts growling undeniably. I feel like I have to strike a fine balance between putting too much pressure on my H by asking for sex too frequently or putting too much pressure on my H by letting myself go too long without sex and getting cranky about it.
The odd thing is that our relationship has done a 180 in that I used to take responsibility for his low drive and therefore felt like I had to do more than my fair share in our relationship in order to get laid. Now I feel like his LD is a deficit that he has brought to our relationship and he needs to be extra nice otherwise in order to make up for it. I don't think that it is very nice that I feel this way but maybe it's what is needed in our situation. I think it's possible that I might start looking a lot sexier to him when he finally processes the fact that 15 minutes of sex is worth 5 loads of dinner dishes, a week of making our son do his homework and several kisses on the forehead in terms of getting me in a good mood about our relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
In my best Inspector Clouseau voice..."The mystery is now solv-ed."
Let's examine the clues...(1) Mr.HP doesn't understand how important having sex is to HP. (2) HP parades nakedly before him regularly without getting any action. (3) Mr.HP will only sometimes spoon with his dog in her buns. (4) Mr.HP has a moving, fluid-filled cyst on his noggin.(that must be very attractive when it comes around to the front of his head )
There is but one conclusion. He has WATER-ON-THE-BRAIN!
Man, Jenny, have you ever had a day where everything a person writes you can relate to? That is how I am with you today.
This quote in particular:
Quote: I think it's possible that I might start looking a lot sexier to him when he finally processes the fact that 15 minutes of sex is worth 5 loads of dinner dishes, a week of making our son do his homework and several kisses on the forehead in terms of getting me in a good mood about our relationship.
Yes, to this with a thousand exclamation marks.
I think my H knows this to be true, but at the critical moment when he is deciding whether to give in to his desire for sleep or fight through it and ML to his wife, he chooses the path that is easiest for him RIGHT THEN. Knowing that he will have to deal with the fallout. He is like a teenage boy who breaks curfew thinking to himself: Oh well, I'd rather have the fun now and deal with being grounded later.
I'm sure you can see the myriad problems when applying this type of thinking to a grown up sexual relationship.
Here is another thing for you: When reading your thread this morning, I was struck by how easy it is for you to get MW to have sex with you. Then, in the next thought, I realized that I can get mrHP to respond in a similar way, though with a different application--that is, he doesn't respond to the fake meanness that yours does, but you get my point. It is as if I can see the positive things in your R but am too clouded to see the same exact thing in my own.
You know what I do? I feel totally at ease with seducing him and then...bam...there is ONE time that I try and it doesn't work. (spectacularly bombs, really) This one bomb gets me SO down that I can't (or won't) recover and then we are on the track to having another Talk and all the stuff that entails.
Do you have any advice for me as to how to get past this? Get over myself so to speak?
I actually feel intense anger when he doesn't respond to me and it does not go away until I have vomited it all on him and made him 'pay' for not wanting me and/or responding to my advances. Now, he can turn down sex from me, I'm not that much of a psycho. I am talking about the seduction attempts that he either ignores or doesn't notice. I can't seem to rise above the anger response. A lot of it is that he is not offering me a way to save face. There is no "wow you are sexy. I just don't think I have enough energy to really do it justice tonight. Tomorrow night I am divin into you fo sho." Or something like that, lol.
Today I am pissed off with LD men big time. To me, they seem like little boys who have to find a way to declare their space from mama. Some are more hurtful than others. The thing is, they can't meet us halfway with desire, attention and all the good stuff because they are not ready to handle the closeness. I am not going to try to seduce my H anymore ( not to say I won't try to look appealing and such). I expect him to come to bed and really want to join me. I will give him his space days, but enough of all this guesswork and issues already. I am tired of it.
)