Tuesday: H got home from work to find HP in an excellent mood. I was happy, looking forward to spending time with him and our girls. I was cooking supper and he was keeping me company. At one point, I went to get something out of the pantry and he backed up. The closer I became, the farther he backed up. I decided to be ornery and keep going (past the pantry), towards him. He went all the way out of the kitchen and backed himself into a wall. This is something he has done since I've known him. He gets weird sometimes about me getting physically close to him. He will back away and keep going if he senses me coming towards him. It hurts my feelings and confuses me. After all, H maintains that his secondary love language (or whatever the heck it's called) is physical touch--primarily nonsexual, tho. He is always asking me for more hugs and kisses and, in fact, it is on the list of my goals. I felt myself becoming upset and jumped to the conclusion that this was his way of setting the scene for the weekend. Push me away before I get any crazy ideas. I started picking at him with my words and he stopped me and said, WHOA. I don't mean anything weird by it; I just have two canker sores and I was afraid you'd move in for a kiss and hurt me. Boy, did I feel stupid. Though not stupid enough to get out of my weird mood. This is one of those 'trigger' things...he has done this since I've known him..back away from me to the point that I am chasing him out of a room. Tends to do funny things to a persons' esteem. I tried to forget it and remind myself that his mouth was sore and that's all there was to it but I was blowin it, big time. Then he stayed up til midnight watching a movie. (has my H EVER stayed up late for me, noooooo, but that is resentment speaking right there..) By the time we went to bed, I was irritated and semi-lashing out at him. He called me on it and he said that I had no reason to be angry with him. I agreed and said, Please help me get out of this negative headspace; I am consumed right now with thoughts that you are trying to pull away from me. Whenever things start going really well, you pull away for reasons that I can't understand. Him: That is NOT what I was doing tonight! HP: I know, but you can't deny that this is something that you do. Him: That's true. HP: I am so sorry, H, for assuming you were doing that and I'm sorry about your mouth.
Wednesday: H initiates ML in the morning. It was nice and I felt good about it UNTIL he sortof patted me afterwards and said, There...now I bet you feel better. I didn't say anything but the WTF feelings were flying around in my head. I realized that he thought that my little spaz from the night before was because I needed an orgasm!! I decided to zip de lip (for once, lol) and go on with our day and not make an issue of it. We had a lovely day together.
Thursday: Thanksgiving and our anniversary. Nice day, busy, lots of food, the usual routine. We got home about 5 and made a fire. H and the kids roasted marshmallows (none for the dieting Honey) and I took a long relaxing bath. H came in and talked to me the whole time. Ok, I admit that I was scrutinizing him, looking for some kind of reaction in his eyes. There was none. I had also managed to squeeze myself into size 10 jeans for the festivities and there was no response from him. This is one of the first times I have worn real clothes, I have been wearing mostly maternity clothes. A tiny twinge of disappointment over that but not too bad. That evening, he was asleep by the time I got into bed. I was disgusted, to tell the truth. Many thoughts swirling around in my head about him, none of them positive.
Friday: H asks in the morning why I am so melancholy. I refuse to answer. We sucked it up for most of the day and in the evening went to do the anni celebration that I planned. It was a really good time. I briefly felt the fog lifting, but then it settled back in as we were driving home (late) and I knew that the sex dilemma would soon be presenting itself again. Nothing again that night, of course, due to the time.
Saturday: Thanksgiving celebration at his parents home. Had the Talk on the drive there. Was not pleasant. I realized sometime during the previous days that part (most?) of my anger comes from the fact that I am still afraid..or perhaps tentative is the better word..to show myself to H. The REAL Honey. Who and what I am, what makes me tick. He will think it's weird, he will think I'm weird, he will secretly wish that I had different (and more noble) priorities. These are the thoughts and fears rumbling about in my head. But on that day I just didn't care. I told him this: HP: I want a hot sex life. I'm tired of pretending that I don't, or trying to minimize it so that you don't feel pressure. I'm 33 and I have 3 little kids and I really don't care what "that" means, I want to be a sexy woman and have hot sex. (h will sometimes imply that my age or station in life should preclude a strong desire for sex) MrHP: I don't know what you want me to say to that. HP: I don't expect you to say anything. I am just finally wanting to tell you what I'm made of. You know the other day when I jokingly said that we should have sex every day that you were home? I don't know why I made it a joke. I really WOULD like to have sex every day. Why do I feel the need to minimize what I want so that you don't think I'm odd? I want to make my desires more palatable to you, so that you are inclined to try. Well, guess what! You are not trying either way...so here it is. I could easily have sex every day. WHY would you try and make me feel weird about that? What, specifically, is so weird about having sex every day? Are you saying that this is something that no one does? MrHP: No I'm sure that plenty of people do that. I'm not one of them. I couldn't physically have sex every day. HP: You mean you couldn't get hard? MrHP: No I mean the thought wouldn't even sound good at ALL. HP: Well that's not 'physically' being unable to do it. MrHP: And I don't think you're weird. HP: That is the vibe that you send out, though, to prevent yourself from having to have more sex than you want.
Then we began talking about me developing more of a life away from our home. I said that I had been tossing this idea around for a while (and I have). I see other mothers who absolutely pour themselves into their children. There is a practice, game, recital or activity every day of their lives and there is no energy left for the husband or the marriage. Folks, like any mother I could easily fall into this lifestyle. It is intentional that I don't do this. I want to have energy left for my marriage. My marriage strengthens me and energizes me. My husbands helps me remember the person that I once was, if that makes any sense. But I am wasting my time if he does not want to devote energy to it, as well. I told him that I would see about getting our older daughter into some activities and maybe the younger one, as well. He was all for this, thinking "finally my wife will find some happiness and I won't have to be involved." I stopped him right there and said, H you have to understand that this 'plan' of mine comes with risks. There is a very real risk that if I take time and energy away from our relationship and pour it 1000% into our kids, that I will grow away from you. After all, I would be doing this to distract myself from the emptiness and pain that I often feel in this M. He said, Why do you sound upset about it--it's your idea? I replied that I am afraid to take such a drastic step and that I feel that I am giving up on our marriage. It would seem almost inevitable that we would then drift apart completely.
He became exasperated and suggested I get a boyfriend. I did not take the bait on this and didn't reply.
