I told him about the journal last night and he was really interested to hear what it said. So interested, in fact, that he got up and shut the door so we could hear each other. (our darling sweet little daughters were making more noise than a monster truck pull)
I told him about his musings from the beginning and how they were mostly about loving me--but fearing that I would leave him or lose interest in him--and wanting me. We spoke about that for a while and both agreed that we would not go back there even if we could. I told him that for a long time I had glorified those days in my mind, forgetting what they were truly like and only focusing on the fact that the love was free and easy. I spoke a little about how it changed suddenly but didn't dwell on it. The mood was light and cheerful and I didn't want to punish him for the gazillionth time about abandoning me during those years.
One thing I did want to talk about but chickened out was the fact that he was so OPEN about his desires back then. He wrote in one passage about returning from a Marine Corps trip of several weeks to find his wife greeting him naked at the door. He then went into graphic detail, which I will spare all of you that part, but I was surprised at how easily he wrote of this incident. He would scarcely be able to talk about this, today. Furthermore, I would scarcely be able to pull off such a stunt today. In fact, I doubt I would do it. I would talk myself out of it, for fear that he would laugh it off or some other inappropriate reaction.
How have we gotten so far away from the fun-loving couple that we were then?
At any rate, the night was good. We were loving and affectionate towards each other. Still a little awkward but we're working on it.
The only slightly negative point was when I brought up the schedule (again) and said, Hey I've got it all worked out. How about Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun? We had been talking about this week (the tues in question is today) so I thought he would get my joke..he doesn't go back to work until Monday so I was capitalizing on the free time. Anyway, he did not get the joke at all and said, "Ahhhhhhh..don't you think you'd be exhausted?" Which I thought was complete baloney. He knows I would not be exhausted but that was his way of saying, Please be exhausted; I don't want to do that. I told him, H! I'm kidding! I only said that because you are off work from Wed-Mon.
I thought it was odd, though, because there are many weeks (again, non-preg) when we have sex every day and he's fine with it BUT HE IS THE ONE INITIATING IT. If it's his idea, fine, if it's mine No way, that's too exhausting.
However, all the talk about frequent sex got him revved up and he initiated anyway. So it was a nice ending to the evening but I am still in the lurch as far as the schedule! I think I just need to take the bull by the horns (or another body part) and force it, just like I do everything.
So things continue to be positive and lots of effort is being made in the Honey House.
