Thank you all for your input. Lillie that was a good read! I will check my local library and see if they have that book.
Journey, thank you for your thoughts about the cards. I think I will hold off on them. There is a little voice in my head that is saying, This could be a disaster in the making.. so I think I will heed that voice. Your suggestion to feel him out about it is a good one. You know, the LAST thing I want to do is make him feel like, Sheesh I thought I was doing good and now she gives me crib notes on how to be sexy! Otoh, I think it would do him good to see that my idea of sexy is just a notch above what he is already comfortable doing. Just a smidge more effort would have me singing his praises eternally. I am not looking for drama and theatrics.
I feel mature when he makes efforts. When he refuses to "see" me and acknowledge that I am a hot mama and desire him, I then ramp up my actions and "neediness" and it is a vicious circle of me trying to get his attention and him withholding it b/c I am acting needy. In short, I suck at acting as if. Actually I don't suck at it but it has never gotten me good results so I refuse to go back there.
Historically, H is the first to pull back when things are going well. I am bracing myself for that and wondering how I will handle it when it happens. I want to give him his space but gently lead him back to me. I have to get out of this poor-me space and be ready for it--ready to firmly but kindly show him that he can have his space without pushing me away. I'm not sure how other couples do it, but we will find a way.
Today, I was putting some books back on a shelf (thank you my darling kids for knocking them all off) and I saw H's old journal. I opened it and read a bit. He long ago told me I could read it, so don't go getting your tailfeathers ruffled, lol. I have read it before but it has been a long time. It was so interesting to see our relationship played out in black and white, in H's own words. For the first half of the book, he is absolutely obssessed with me in the typical newlywed fashion. Love, jealousy, fear, and passion dominated his writings. He was cleary in love and in lust with me. Then.......at about 2.5 yrs into marriage, the writings take an abrupt (and I mean abrupt) turn and all thoughts of overwhelming love and passion are gone. They have been replaced by spiritual musings. It does not go back to any loving or passionate feelings towards me, ever. The next entries are taken up by musing about our newfound roles as parents (we had our first child after we had been married 4 yrs). Then more spiritual musings and the entries stop. After all, who has time to journal when there are little ones around?!
Surprisingly I did not feel a pang of wanting to go back to the "I love her and want her so bad" days. At all. It seemed like an immature and incomplete love, which of course it was. I did, however, feel an immense sadness at the speed at which all those thoughts disappeared and I was totally replaced by his religious longing. I vividly remembered how lonely I was at that time and how I conveyed that to him with ANGER.
But.....the pages after all that are blank.
We are filling them in, day by day, and I think they are going to be the best chapters of all.
Wish me luck in keeping my positivity going. It is crucial to our success. God help me to do my part in this and not let backslides turn into landslides.
