I had a great weekend. H and I are both really trying to get this back on track permanently. I'm sure there will still be bumps in the road but it is nice to sit back and enjoy the smoothness for a while.
I accomplished many of my goals, as well. That is a good feeling--to know that I am doing my part in keeping the sexual R running, and not just sitting back and scrutinizing it. The only thing I did not do was a blatant initiation, though I thought about it. We were hugging and kissing and I wanted to do something sexy. It was early afternooon and the kids were in the next room so it was not the time for actual sex but I wanted to turn him on. I froze. I realized that I no longer know how to do that. I have tried everything in the book and have been shot down more times than I could count. I stood there, absentmindedly kissing his neck, thinking "ok what do I DO?" In the end, I did nothing and resolved to talk to him about it later. That evening I told him that I would like to blatantly initiate from time to time but that I had no idea what would do it for him. (I left out the part about having tried everything under the sun with no results--aren'tcha proud of me?!) He gave me a few ideas and seemed positive about it so I will proceed from there. In the past I have asked him for ideas, he would suggest things, I would do them and get absolutely NO reaction at all. Then I would be unspeakably hurt and humiliated and the whole thing would end with him saying something uplifting like "That's just not the way I am". (and me thinking, huh? All you have to do is show a reaction!)
But I have to admit that my motives are different this time. Then I did it in order to 'increase his desire for me'. My attitude was, Fine if you don't want me, I will do things to MAKE you want me. I didn't say that out loud but I'm sure it came out loud and clear anyway.
Now, I'm coming from a place of wanting to give him the gift of myself. This is the best way that I know how to show him that I love him. It is what I think of when I think of being in love with him. It is me wanting to do my part in our relationship and making goals and doing them on a regular basis.
Now.....the "I want to make him want me" part is still there, of course it is.
But since he's back on the Showing Desire Bandwagon, I don't feel so desperate to get his sexual attention. Based on his behavior of the last 3-4 days, I would say that Yes he wants me!, so I can give this gift to him freely and with no ulterior motive.
The only other thing on my list of goals was the cards that barney suggested. Our anniversary is on Thanksgiving Day so I was thinking of doing it then.
I'm still not sure of those, though. What if they fall flat and appear manipulative in nature??
Anyone have any advice re: that?
Other than that, it was an excellent weekend here. H has another long weekend coming up (took off Wed for our anni) and I will be doing my part to make sure that the good will continues.
