I will give him the cards, I just have to stall and get over my nervousness about it. He will throw them away, first of all. Or.......if he doesn't throw them away he will hide them so thoroughly that he will forget about them and never mention them again. Not one time will he 'play along'. And he is a playful person!
But I'm doing it to let him know what makes me tick and so that he can't say that I don't try to "help" him.
We talked last night, though he slept through most of it. I alternated between compassion and frustration and anger. (the anger was seeping in when I would discover he was asleep) My timing in discussing it with him was bad, I admit it. Prior to that he wouldn't stop trying to initiate or making innuendos and I couldn't stomach the thought of that. Sidenote: I wonder if LD people realize that, over the course of time, their behavior can turn their partners off to them forever? It seems to me that my H thinks (read: takes it for granted) that I will desire him always. This is not true! My desire for him fluctuates GREATLY. His behavior can really turn the tide either way. I am aware that my own behavior has a big effect on his desire for me, but I would bet dollars to dognuts that he doesn't think it goes both ways. You would think this would scare him but it doesn't. I believe he would almost be relieved if I lost my desire for him--except he doesn't realize that at that point the M would be over. My love and desire are wrapped up in each other and you lose one, you lose em both. End sidenote.
Anyway the convo stuttered along, getting nowhere. There were no resolutions other than him saying he would try to do better. I tried to impress upon him that I need him to love and appreciate me in the ways that are meaningful to ME (thanks nop) but he was dozing and I don't even know if he heard it all.
At the end of the night, I was completely wound up and got up out of bed to read. He asked me to stay in bed and I angrily said that we would have to have sex then cause I couldn't sleep. He said, I've been trying to get you to have sex with me for 2 hours!! I'm not doing it! But.......we did anyway. It wasn't that great for me and I couldn't get my brain to shut up but at least it's outta the way.
I really don't feel much hope. I think I'm still dealing with the bloodless turnip. At one point I told him, You know things are going to stay exactly the same until you decide that you want to be the sort of person that can show me desire. Until that point, you will make "efforts" and they will fizzle out b/c you will be doing it for ME and not because you want to be different. Look, you don't HAVE to be different...you are great the way you are. But I don't feel your love the way you are showing it. And that is a risk you will be taking.
He did not reply.
At another point, I asked (again) about the schedule. I have asked him probably 6 times in the past week. He is making no forward motion on this, just letting me bring it up if I feel like it. He will do nothing until I say, This is what we are doing, blah blah. I hate that. I don't want to be his 'boss', I want to be his partner. I will continue to think on it and see if there is a way to implement it where I don't feel like I am forcing it on him. NOP's, how did you implement it? Was it "this is what we're doing, so there!" or was it more of a mutual decision? I can't figure out how to proceed from here.
Here are my goals for the week:
1. RESPOND in kind when he shows any desire. 2. Continue to give lots of positive feedback. 3. Look for alternative--and more positive--explanations for his behavior instead of zeroing in on the most negative one. 4. Initiate blatantly once. 5. Give him tons of kisses and hugs--he LOVES this. 6. Draw up the cards so I don't forget about it.
Honeypot
P.S. Advice and feedback welcome, as always.
P.P.S. Oh yeah, Mike, my H is spoiled rotten. However, all of my girlfriends and sisters say the same about me.
