I really do know how you feel. I felt that way for years. I have not totally given in to putting my "all" into this yet. I know that. That will not happen until I have "the talk" with him and make him face a few things. Like his ED problem. So I guess you could say, alot of me doesn't care. I used to be very upset and so much in love with him that it actually hurt when he rejected me. I have not put my heart back on the line yet.
I know several of you will say that has to happen before any real change will take place. I do know that, I am just not ready to do that yet. Anyway, have a great day Honey, its a nice crisp day here in the mid east, lots of sunshine, hope its nice there where you are
Quote: I want it all. I know I sound utterly selfish, but I don't want accidental sex for the rest of my life.
PLEASE get over the idea that wanting this is selfish. It is NORMAL, not selfish!! Our LD partners are twisting our universes and trying to make us feel that what we want is wrong and selfish, but it is not. May I remind you of the "Happy Sex" thread. The world those people live in is normal. The world we live in is not. Don't define your normal sexual desire as "selfishness." That hurts!
Annette, question... you said he does stuff like "changing the sheets on my bed." Do you have separate beds? Just nosy...
This started years ago when he really started having ED problems most of the time and left the bed to sleep on the couch every night. Eventually he got his own bed and put it in the spare room and made it his bedroom. We have been estranged for almost 15 years. Now several of the dogs sleep with him and I have tried to talk to him about putting them up at night and coming back into the bed with me, but he refuses to put them up at night. Maybe its his way of avoiding anything physical unless HE wants it. And then its nothing to write home about.
I have a question that maybe you can help me with ... I read your posts constantly I swear when you write , you are reading my mind.
Don't you feel like your H is the one that is selfish? I have a hard time on this BB getting my story our there, but I have gained so much knowledge fron you and the NOPs.
I just really feel like in my sitch it is my LDH that is being so selfish. My H is an only child too! Maybe that has something to do with his attitude toward everything?
Suzy, I agree with you that Honey's honey is the one being selfish!
BTW I'm an only child...
Annette, this is pretty serious. My late husband and I used to have a saying about facing something bad, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." You've got a BIG elephant on your plate. In your posts, I hear you saying that you know you need to face this and that nothing can happen if you do not take the first step and have the Big Talk. But (not to rain on your parade, although that's just what I'm about to do) that first step is only the first nibble of the tip of the elephant's ear. When you're trying to gag down those whiskers and those tusks-- it's gonna hurt. Look how many of us have had the Talk (several times) and how many of us are in couples counseling, and we're still struggling.
Just realize that the Talk is the first step on a long journey. Don't make that first step into such a big hurdle. Don't think of the Talk as the plane leaving the ground. Just think of it as you looking over some travel folders. It's not even at the level of buying a ticket or getting the suitcases out of the closet.
Lower the bar. Define it as something simple. It's not even a firm commitment to see this problem through to the end. You're testing the climate.
Refresh my memory-- are you in counseling for yourself? It seems to me that feeling better about yourself would be a good direction to approach this from (that prep's for you, hairy!).
I know all you are saying, and I totally agree. I am not in C for myself but would like it if hubby and I were in C together. He refused to go to C before and I don't see him changing his mind about that now, but you never know. I have been pretty content with the small changes taking place over the past 6 months. We had no physical contact at all for over 10 yrs. We have not gotten used to each other yet. We were virtual strangers. Its getting better, just slow going. I know its time soon to take it up a notch. Maybe I will talk to him about this on the weekend coming up. He was away visiting his mother and missed our anniversary and we are supposed to go out to dinner so maybe that would be a good time.
Thanks for the reply, Annette. I would strongly urge you to go to therapy for yourself. Why wait for him. Even if you go with him the part of it that works is for YOU alone. The therapist doesn't work on the R as much as s/he works on each of you individually in the presence of the other.
You need a place where you can go and let your hair down and feel cared for and nurtured and as if your concerns matter. Don't wait for him. It's not all about him; it's about YOU, too. You know that thing they say on the airplane about putting on your own oxygen mask before you help the person you're with? Well, it's time for you to start breath quality air on your own just for you, whether he comes along or not. As you start feeling better, you may see big changes from that alone.
Another one of my pet metaphors is the logjam... when all the logs are jammed up in a river (don't know if this is true in real life) it can seem like you can see exactly where the logjam is. But in fact, moving just one log way at the other end of the jam, can eventually get all the logs moving. Instead of (or in addition to) applying pressure on the logjam itself (namely hubby), also move some logs that don't seem to be directly involved (namely get into counseling for YOU).
Now returning this thread to the regularly scheduled Honeypot...
You need a place where you can go and let your hair down and feel cared for and nurtured and as if your concerns matter
I might think about it. I did go to counseling once about 2 years ago. Only went for 3 sessions. A snow storm came up and I called the C office to postpone and the recept told me the C didn't come in that day. Now they had not even called me to let me know that. I asked the recpt to reschedule the apt and she told me the C does all that herself. She never called me. I never went back. Hows that for feeling cared for?
I might seek out another C and go. Its hard right now because H is not working. He got fired for the first time in his life about a month ago. Bunch of crap, I tell ya. The woman was mis managing the place, loosing money and H was the 2nd highest paid person there. So figure that one out
Anyway, thanks for your replys. Also returning the thread to ms HP
