You’ll never know how much I identify with you. My W and your H sound like peas in a pod.
Quote: I was remembering Mrs Cemar's comment that it's so NICE to have a wonderful weekend in which you don't HAVE to have sex. I knew this was precisely how H was feeling.
Yep. I took her to Jamaica for a week for our 25th anniversary. You know what I was thinking, right? Anniversary? Twenty-five years? Nice resort? Caribbean? No kids? As you might expect, her idea was a week away from the stress and pressure of everyday life – including the stress of HAVING to have sex.
Quote: …when I got into bed he was not only not in the mood for sex, he was making sure that I was reading him loud and clear by refusing to allow my body to come into contact with his.
Yep. Nothing to add to that.
Quote: what was different about the nights when he was feeling passionate and those he wasn't. He replied, quite succintly, "I make an effort."
W told me the exact same thing. I don’t understand why you would have to make an effort. I have the same reaction you do: I detest that I get so angry when she doesn't want me and yet I cannot seem to rise above it. I KNOW that it’s just the way it is, I suppress the anger and the hurt, but it’s there.
Quote: HP: How many sex thoughts do you have per day? Mr: Oh, I don't know...... HP: Zero? One? More than one? MrHP: A few. Not many.
Her answer: “almost never”. She doesn’t think about it, and doesn’t WANT to think about it – “Why would I want to think about it when you’re not here?”
On one level, the scheduled sex thing is working for us, but on another, it’s failing miserably.
Quote: It feels restrictive to me and dull. In the 3 weeks we have been ML since the baby was born, we've done it exactly the same way, every single time. I love this position but am tired of it. It has been, what, 8 months since I have been properly made love to?! This position that he has been choosing is a rear entry one, one of our favorites and one we couldn't do while pg, but I'm tired of it already. The whole thing lasts maybe 5 minutes this way. There is not much foreplay (maybe a minute), very little kissing, no touching. It leaves me feeling empty. I know that he wants to both satisfy me and get it over with as soon as possible
OK, this IS a little different. No baby, no rear entry, and way more than 8 months since it’s been done properly. But her focus when we ML is to get me off as quickly and efficiently as possible. It’s better than no sex at all, but as you’ve pointed out, it leaves me feeling empty. During the years of half-hearted HJ’s, I never thought that they would be preferable to ML, but now I’m not so sure. With the HJ’s she was at least involved.
Quote: It seems unnatural to have to remind him to be sexual to me. It seems unnatural to hear him say that he does not have sexual thoughts. It goes against what my perceptions of a MAN are.
You have to change genders on this one, but you have the idea down pat. I don’t expect women to be ready to drop their pants at the slightest hint of provocation, but I do think that a woman, or more specifically, a wife, should want her H. Sex should be something wonderful between them, not something that one has to constantly struggle to extract from the other. That sounds like pulling teeth doesn’t it?
Quote: I then went on to say that this knowledge does weird things to my brain. I start to have frequent and unrelenting escape fantasies. I imagine my life without him (which is, incidentally, not good--these fantasies never leave me feeling better overall but they do allieve some of the sexual bitterness) and I hate that. I told him that I worry that, after a lifetime of him having to force himself to be sexual with me, that I will fall out of love with him and want to move out. This is honestly one of my biggest fears.
Yes, yes, yes! I haven’t told her, but all the rest of that applies in spades. I even fantasized about W not surviving her surgery, remember? I have escape fantasies almost daily. I love my W and don’t ever want to leave her. But along the same lines you so eloquently wrote, I live in fear of losing that love. What happens after a lifetime of her having to force herself to be sexual with me? I can already see some of that. I do believe that age is playing a part in our current SL. I see life passing me by and I’ve redoubled my efforts to get our SL on track. I try really, really hard to keep it at bay, but I admit, I resent W for depriving me of a normal sexual R for the best years of my life. As we continue to grow older, I really fear that that resentment will take root and grow until it chokes out everything else.
NORMAL people fall in love, get married, and have sex – though not necessarily in that order. I fell in love, got married while I was still a teenager, and was celibate until I was in my thirties. Then I had a miserable, pathetic SL until my late forties. Now I’m making some strides, but I’m still left wondering if this is all there will ever be. Sure, W has gotten to a point where she’s willing to ML once a week, but willing isn’t the same as desirous. Being willing to “put forth the effort” to get my O isn’t the same as wanting to ML. I can’t help thinking that I shouldn’t have married W - I should have married some nice HDW and spent the last 30 years screwing ourselves silly. I guess that’s one reason I get so irritated at CeMar – he is always blaming his W and that forces me to look at the ugly side of me that blames my W for defrauding me out of a normal SL. I KNOW that isn’t true, but there’s a part of me that still clings to that thought.
This is way too long and leading nowhere. Just know that I understand your frustrations and that I AM praying for you by name (HP, not the real one).
