Things have been going really well in the Honey House, but they backslid a little this weekend. H had a long weekend, as he took a little vacation at the end of last week. We had some fabulous days together, really just enjoyed our time as a family. I noticed that, as soon as the vac started, he completely backed off of the passionate side that he had been so diligently doing. I was puzzled but decided to act as if and enjoy our time together. After 3 days of this I was becoming restless. I was remembering Mrs Cemar's comment that it's so NICE to have a wonderful weekend in which you don't HAVE to have sex. I knew this was precisely how H was feeling.
We started off the weekend, both on the same page. High hopes for some good times together. As the weekend progressed, he became more comfortable and happy and relaxed with his family. This means that he 'relaxes' so much that he forgets to stay on top of the sex thing. The more he does this, the less connected I feel to him and within a couple of days I am backing off and distancing myself, disappointed.
Saturday night rolled around and when I got into bed he was not only not in the mood for sex, he was making sure that I was reading him loud and clear by refusing to allow my body to come into contact with his. I had had enough by then and called him on it. I have not done this in the past; I just roll my eyes and go to sleep. This time I said, "I know you don't want sex, I am reading you loud and clear. Now you can stop with the rigid body pose that will not allow me to get close." He denied it and I told him that he does this quite frequently and I was sick of it. I find it insulting and rude.
We then went on to talk about our sex life in general. I told him that I noticed he started backing off on the passion stuff and I was disappointed about it. I said that I got very resentful of getting my hopes up and then feeling like a fool afterwards. I then shifted the conversation to ask what was different about the nights when he was feeling passionate and those he wasn't. He replied, quite succintly, "I make an effort."
We talked a bit more but I was getting madder and madder so I ended the conversation. What is WITH this "hell hath no fury" thing? I detest that I get so angry when he doesn't want me and yet I cannot seem to rise above it. Call it a bad temper, call it fusion, call it whatever you want, but it is my own personal struggle.
The next day we ignored it until bedtime and, to my surprise, went on to have a calm and nice conversation. We actually talked about our sex life and all its disappointments (this was a Talk, not the time that I felt like talking about the hight points), without becoming accusatory or raising our voices. At some times, we were even holding hands. It was nice.
HP: I think all this might be a waste of my time. MrHP: In what way? HP: Well, it is a bit like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Here you have a man who does not have sexual thoughts and I am wanting you to show passion to me. If you do not have sexual thoughts about me, then WHERE is the passion supposed to originate from? MrHP: Well it's not like I don't have sexual thoughts about you. HP: How many sex thoughts do you have per day? Mr: Oh, I don't know...... HP: Zero? One? More than one? MrHP: A few. Not many. See, I don't have them in church, or at work, or EVER when the kids are around, and then when I hit the sheets I am overcome with sleep and so.....yeah, there's not room for many of them to enter my head. (enthusiasm building) But you know, when the kids are older.... HP: (cutting him off) You know, I don't really want to talk about the kids. They aren't going anywhere. This was a problem before we had kids and I don't really think they are at the root of things. I think they make things more difficult but not impossible. MrHP: Well I don't know at what time of the day I am supposed to think about you. HP: That's just IT, H! People with a high sex drive don't have to schedule in time to think about sex; it just happens. They can't STOP it from happening. So here I am with the unbloody turnip, squeezing it with all my might and wondering where all the blood is! I need to wake up!!
So we spoke a while longer, with H making a few choice turnip jokes, and did not really resolve anything. I kept pushing for resolution (what are we going to DO?) and him just making vague comments about the kids and whatnot. I pressed him on the schedule topic--as I had done three other nights this week. He finally said for me to make it up and let him know. I told him I did NOT want to do that and that the whole idea was repugnant to me to begin with but I was willing to try it in the hopes that we could find something that would work for us. I asked him again to tell me what his ideas were for a schedule. He wanted to know what the purpose of a schedule is, as he is not fond of the idea overall. I told him that it would take away a lot of the wondering and would give him not only the night that we would be ML but also the night in which he should be acting enthusiastic and happy about it--an opportunity for him to show desire. I went on to tell him that, after a few months, I would hopefully forget that I had to devise a schedule and 'train' him on how to fake desire for me. (this was one of my more negative moments, overall it was a positive discussion) He agreed that this would work better than him just "making an effort". Or not.
He finally said that his schedule would be Monday, Tuesday and Saturday. I HATE this schedule but I said nothing. I just felt glad that he was making a decision. He said we could talk about it more in depth later and figure out what days would be best. Fine, I said.
There were a few other moments in which I attacked him for not liking lingerie, ML in other places except the bedroom, etc etc. I said there were more things off limits than on. It feels restrictive to me and dull. In the 3 weeks we have been ML since the baby was born, we've done it exactly the same way, every single time. I love this position but am tired of it. It has been, what, 8 months since I have been properly made love to?! This position that he has been choosing is a rear entry one, one of our favorites and one we couldn't do while pg, but I'm tired of it already. The whole thing lasts maybe 5 minutes this way. There is not much foreplay (maybe a minute), very little kissing, no touching. It leaves me feeling empty. I know that he wants to both satisfy me and get it over with as soon as possible, as we are both tired from the baby. I get that and I am tired too, so it is not totally unacceptable to me. BUT, I need a night...once a month maybe..in which he makes love to my whole self, my whole body, and doesn't just go for the kill. I was hoping that his long weekend would be it.
Finally we ended the discussion (which really was a good one, but painfully honest) with me saying that our marriage feels unnatural to me, a lot of the time. I asked if he felt he had low testosterone; he replied he wasn't sure. He cited our fertility workups that we had 6 yrs ago as evidence that he did not have low T and I agreed. I said that I am struggling with a lot of gender identity things right now and hate that I am the 'man' of our bedroom. I know that Jenny struggled with this also. It seems unnatural to have to remind him to be sexual to me. It seems unnatural to hear him say that he does not have sexual thoughts. It goes against what my perceptions of a MAN are. (I didn't say that part) I said that the unnatural part comes in the way that he leaves me feeling undesirable and unattractive and I emasculate him, in return. This is SUCH a crappy setup! It is so easy to say, Well just stop doing that then, Honey...but the reality is that I feel undesirable to him because I often AM undesirable to him--meaning, he has no sexual desire for me on a given day.
I then went on to say that this knowledge does weird things to my brain. I start to have frequent and unrelenting escape fantasies. I imagine my life without him (which is, incidentally, not good--these fantasies never leave me feeling better overall but they do allieve some of the sexual bitterness) and I hate that. I told him that I worry that, after a lifetime of him having to force himself to be sexual with me, that I will fall out of love with him and want to move out. This is honestly one of my biggest fears. As I said this, I kept my voice calm and held his hand. I wanted him to know the seriousness of my words and how heartbroken I felt even uttering them, now. He replied that he understood but I am certain that he didn't. He simply cannot comprehend that I will ever stop loving him or that our marriage won't slide into the happy golden years. He thinks that I am trying scare him. I'm not. I'm telling him what will happen if things stay the way they are. I don't want to blindside him in ten more years when I look at him and say, I feel nothing for you.
The funny thing was (or, as the HD person, I thought it was funny..perhaps it will seem natural to the LD posters) the entire time we were having this loooong conversation he was trying to initiate sex. He kept touching me and caressing me. I felt nothing and asked him to stop. I had no inclination to have sex with him; my heart was nowhere near the process and still isn't. He kept saying, "I don't understand..I'm trying to have sex with you right now and you won't let me." He really believes that when I tell him how hopeless I feel that I am making a bid for sex! Or, rather, I think he wants all the 'bad' feelings to go away and that has been, historically, what makes that happen.
I finally told him goodnight and we went to sleep. Today, I feel better because we talked but the hopeless feeling is still there.
There is no blood in the turnip. I am wasting my time.
However!! I shall pursue the scheduled sex thing as a Custer's Last Stand and see what happens.
