Honeypot
When my H and I first started dating we had a long distance R (I lived in IL he lived in NJ). We would see each other for 5-7 days every couple of months. We would put our lives on hold at that time (no work, school, worries) and would dedicate every single waking moment to each other. We had great sex, we had great emotional connection, we would do EVERYTHING together. When I moved to NJ to be with him I did it a week before my grad school started. I left my family, friends, all that I ever knew in US (I'm foreign, came to use when I was 16 and at that time learn the language and lifestyle) behind to be with him. The first couple of weeks were no bed of roses. We were running around trying to find storage for my stuff (we lived in the old appt building with no closets or room to begin with). In the back of my mind I always had a fear that if our R doesn't work out I'm screwed! I couldn't work due to the horrendous schedule and amount of studying I had to do and I didn't know anyone else but him (at the beginning at least) in this new environment. During one of the MC meetings he brought up the fact that we did not have sex once I moved in for 3 weeks...I really don't remember that part ( I could've sworn that we did it that night) but I'll give him benefit of the doubt. He never knew until recently that he's been my first. I had boyfriends before but never allowed anything past the oral sex. I also realized that every time I had an intercourse I would get painful urinary infection (I was told that it would past once the "honeymoon" time was over but it did not) because of which I was put on antibiotics to be taking every time I had sex. I also have HBP and my GP did not want to put me on birth control due to the fear of making the problem worse. Once that got stable they realized that the antibiotics would interact with birth control making it uneffective. For crying out loud! I just couldn't win! Eentualy the blood pressure pills took their toll (beta blockers) and my libido crushed (at first I didn't even realize that), my blood flow and therefore lubrication to down under (sorry to be so graffic but that's the only way to make others understand that sometimes it's not the person's character but unfortunate circumstances that are at fault) decreased (or more like disappeared) and I had to use personal lubricants to prevent painful chaffing! My H wanted to be spontaneous but due to all the things that were wrong with me we had to go through whole production before we could do anything! Start kissing, start getting more excited, stop for condom, stop for lubricant, finish (he always complained that he can't feel anything with the rubber on) me run to the bathroom to pee (another thing I was told to do to flush out the bacteria) run to take my antibiotic and then still be painful and sore afterwards. Add to it the constant thought in my head of "am I going to get pregnanat if the condom breaks?" (I really don't want kids, neither does my H), am I going to hurt during and after? I began to associate sex with anxiety and pain. I started to avoid it. My H on the other hand felt that he can only communicate his love for me through physical closeness. I craved emotional connection, holding hands, cuddling, spending time together, doing things slowly and gently (he likes more of the rougher contact ) but I started to see that I was competing with his work and hobbies. My H is an artist but to pay bills he has to do his normal job (he works in the city so with the commute he is gone for 12 hrs 5 days a week!). When he would get home we would eat dinner, he would work on his art and I would sit around watching TV or reading. He would bug me about getting a hobby on my own (now I know that he did not want to feel guilty that he is neglecting me). We talked about maybe saving Saturdays to be "our days" and me allowing him to totally dive into his art on Sundays...the week nights were sort of up in the air. He is also the type of person that cannot sit still without having couple of projects to work on. Eventually he would be bitting off more than he would be able to chew, he would get frustrated and moody because of that. However, once he would "emerge from the cave" as I call it he would be ready to have sex and he was always expecting me to be there for him. I really can't say if I was being proud, rebelious or just disillusioned but I would definitelly get angry inside thinking that now when he is done he wants what he wants and I'm supposed to be there waiting for him. During several of the fights my H would mention that he is unhappy that I don't have sex with him as often as he would like. he hated when I giggled when he would make advances (said that it felt like I was mocking him) but that was just something that I did because I felt a little prudish....Eventually the fights would turn to him telling me that he doesn't want to realize that he is looking at other women because he can't get what he wants at home. At that point I would get furious and ask him if he is threatening me that he will cheat and reminding him that once he does there will be no second chances. One time he set me down on the couch (no fight before that) and told me that he really hurts inside when he doesn't see me being excited about him, when I don't initiate sex, when I do things that I do (ie laugh/giggle). I told him to work with me on that, that he needs to understand all the things that are wrong with me (I never went to details I was too proud). I admit I took first steps (went to gyno to talk about reasons for my low libido but was told that it is most likely stress) to change but then did not see antything that he did to help me out, he seemed to be okay and I slowly went back to prevous pattern. I guess I expected him to talk to me about how my progress is going, what can he do to help etc. After a fight one year ago when we talked about separation and when I asked him about counseling (he said no, he said he did not need 3rd person to tell him what he needs - once again, not what WE need but what HE needs) I stormed out of the house. When I came back the house was cleaned, the dinner was cooked and he came to appologize. Things seemed to go back to normal and I guess I assumed that things were okay. That made me feel that I did not need to change anything because things really did seem to be fine. What else..I guess ask away and I will try to elaborate.