I could have written that post myself on many occasions. In fact, I probably did!
I agree that when you've done all you can do, it's not defeatist or cowardly to say, "That's it! I've done all I can do. I won't pursue this any longer." At that point, one would have to decide if they could remain M under those circumstances.
What I was trying to encourage CeMar in (poorly, it seems) is that is where I was not long ago. But I had "the talk" for the 538-545th time over a few week period and made progress. At least we have scheduled for progress. (I'll have to let you know if it works.)
I am now of the opinion/position that it's either worth fixing or moving on in my life. As I said before, my kids were just an excuse for feeling trapped and not taking action.
So, "Grab your nads" is not a singular experience, but a way of life for those who choose to stay M (IMO). For me, the "ignore this one more time and we're done" talk (and meaning it) was the only thing that made the difference. I came to find out that my W (who I have often portrayed here as the anti-Christ) was a real woman with real feelings who, in spite of her hurt, loves me enough to do me 3 times per week even though she doesn't "think sex" like I do. At this point, she has more feelings of affection for me than I do for her since her's are based in things other than sex and mine are dominated by it, but that will change as I become convinced that the schedule is for real. Perhaps CeMar's sitch is similar.
I think he owes it to his kids to find out. I know I did!
Corri: I don't get it. I haven't read Dr. Laura's book but if I were to pick up a book entitled "The care and feeding of husbands" I would expect that it would be entirely about the man and what the woman could do to please him. I would not expect such a book to delve into what the man should be offering his wife. That's not the premise of the book, right?
I would hope that my H wants more out of me than food and sex but if he came to me and said, "Honestly..this is all I need" I would pay close attention to that. And in return I would explain what MY needs were and see if he's ready to play ball.
Time I came clean with you, just in case you didn't already know.
I have been intentionally pushing you about as hard as I can and still be nice about it.
My post about basically giving up on you was really my last attempt to push you off your perch. That is truly because I am out of ideas that might have a chance at motivating you.
You post here, so I assumed that you wanted suggestions or whatever limited help any of us can offer here. I have thrown truth, conjecture and verbal sticks and stones at you, and you don't even duck. That is why I am giving up.
It isn't because I like to pick on you, or beat you up. Just like others here that have tried to help you, I genuinely wanted to see you succeed. I hope that if you ever go back and read my posts to you, that fact will become self evident.
I do hope that you and your wife will work out your relationship.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Corri: I don't get it. I haven't read Dr. Laura's book but if I were to pick up a book entitled "The care and feeding of husbands" I would expect that it would be entirely about the man and what the woman could do to please him. I would not expect such a book to delve into what the man should be offering his wife. That's not the premise of the book, right?
I would hope that my H wants more out of me than food and sex but if he came to me and said, "Honestly..this is all I need" I would pay close attention to that. And in return I would explain what MY needs were and see if he's ready to play ball.
My gosh how I wish my H would have read the posts...I am the LD W and he is a WAS. The reason for the D (not even attempt to separate and see what happens, he is shooting straight for the D ASAP) is that he thought he had to beg me for sex and eventually just stopped doing even that to see if I would change by myself. We had several fights and one "regular" talk when he set me on the couch as said how much sex means to him and how he hurts when I "mock", laugh and push him away. All those talks and fights only made me more distant because I wasn't about to admit that I'm the one with the problem and it was making me extremely angry that with all those conversations there was never :WE need to work on it but alway YOU (meaning me) need to work on it. He gave up about a year ago (that's what he says) with the conviction that he HAS tried everything there is. I wish someone would have told me that he hasn't (when it comes from me he thinks I'm belitteling his pain and hurt and I'm trying to buy some time and make more excuses), someone that went through the same thing as he did. Because as I absolutely validate his pain and hurt, I will never validate that he did try his hardest and if the M ends for good I will never forget that he did not care for my love for him enough to stick up for it.
I've been following your story on the other board, after seeing your link to it on this one the other day. I may have some insight for you as to what your husband may be thinking, cuz in a lot of ways I AM HIM (altho I'll warn you, it may not be what you want to hear). But I don't want to hijack CeMar's thread any futher. Let me find yours, and I'll respond to you there.
Crushed, Can you elaborate on this a little? I always worry that my aggressive nature is doing more damage to H than good to our marriage.
What could your H have done to help the situation? I hear you saying that he should have said We have a problem. But what does that look like IRL? How would it have manifested itself in your daily lives? How could he have helped you regain your sexuality?
Also, are you saying that if he had continued with the talks that you would have felt that he did everything he could?
Just trying to clarify.. Thanks for your insight and I'm sorry you are going through such a painful thing.
NJ, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I was divorced from my first husband, and know how painful it is...
It's so helpful and informative when an LD person speaks up, because some of us are trying to see into the LD mindset. I want to ask a question, and please don't read any sarcasm or anything into it... I mean it in an absolutely straightforward and sincere way. I truly am seeking to understand something that I don't understand: Did you think he would put up with your L behavior indefinitely? I realize he may have lacked finesse in the way he described the problem, and probably should have suggested that the two of you work on it together. That said, YOU knew there was a major disconnect... did you think that it would have no consequences?
Again no offense... but please give us some insight into the LD way of thinking about the future you perception of what it was like for HIM to see no prospect of change coming from you.
Choc or NJ- please post link to NJ's other thread... not sure how to find the one you're referring to. Thx!
Edited to add: I found NJ's thread: NJ on Newcomer's Board Hmmm... someone suggested we occasionally look at the other boards (I know some of you do), and I think they were right! Here's a reply from "BeingMe" to NJ from that thread:
Quote: I was also the LD spouse in my marriage, and it caused no end of trouble for me in our 20 years together. I know now why I had LD, and I have done a lot of thinking and self-coaching in this regard (esp. after the bomb). It turns out that I don't really have LD, but low self-esteem (brought on by various events in my life which I won't go into) and thought my husband couldn't possibly be attracted to me, but just wanted sex for the sake of sex. Apparently, that was not the case. After the bomb, I decided that I would put all my efforts into showing my H how much I loved him, but without words, instead through sexual contact (I also worked on my low self-esteem, and started going to the gym most days, eating healthier, changing my inner voice to a more positive one and discovered that I am a sexy, attractive, interesting, loving woman who can get any man she wants, but wants her H). We ML everyday, for at least 5 months after the bomb (sometimes up to 6 times a day), and it's only starting to slow down now, since he has re-committed to the marriage - his choice, not mine (I think he is tired - haha!). I can tell ya, I had a lot of fun with it because I did most of the initiating (what power), and he just couldn't resist (he did say he felt guilty, yada yada, but I told him I'm a big girl and just wanted to scratch my own itch, and he was my H still - well, you get the picture). I was lucky because his OW lives overseas, so it was only an EA, whereas I am here and ready to give him what he needs (he broke it off with her in August apparently). Anyway, anyone can become HD, if they put their minds to it. We didn't ML for about 2 years before the bomb, and I have no intention of every allowing that to happen again.
