Cinemanymph Thank you. I really needed that, I know that sometimes no matter what one person can and will do, if the other person already made certain plans that they are happy with, there is no way of reconciliation. I just hope that one day (preferably soon) I'll get out of the rot, the love that I still have for him will not hurt me but seem more like a good memory, something to cherish and not something I so desperately want to get rid off at his point.
I thought I had replyed earlier, but I must not have pushed the post button.
Quote: I am thinking that you were NOT the original HD person in your relationship.
My wife pursued me harder then I did her, but sexually, I have always been more HD, even when my wife was HD.
Quote: I am thinking that she initiated most of your early-years sexual encounters.
I have always initiated more, that is why when she initiates it is worth 10x more.
Quote: I am thinking that she gave you the key to her heart when she said she wanted you to be more assertive.
Maybe, she wants me to be a stronger man, but outside the bedroom. I don't think she meant this in any sexual or affectionate way.
Quote: I am thinking that the very thing you most hate to do, is the very thing that you must do.
Oh, very obviously. The things that might be her love language are not my strong suit. Now if I could just figure out which ones might actually payoff for me.
Quote: I am thinking that you need to initiate.
I could have far more sex if I just asked for it. But I no longer want this kind of sex. I no longer want "willingness" as this always results in "Just Enough" sex to get by. I want a partner that WANTS to be there. I want a partner that WANTS to touch me.
Quote: I am thinking that she is waiting for you to step up to the plate.
Probably, but where the heck is the plate at?
Quote: I am thinking that she got very, very, tired of being the sexual leader in your relationship.
I have always been the sexual leader.
Quote: I am thinking that she has lost respect for you, Cemar.
Probably.
Quote: I am thinking that you know what you must do.
There are LOTS of things that I could try, but the which ones will actually payoff?
Quote: I am thinking that she is waiting on you, Cemar.
And I am waiting on her. I have been waiting for 14 years.
CeMar, I can actually relate to many of the feelings you express here. I have felt the same feelings at various times in varying degrees.
You made a few comments that are flashbacks for and revealing to me: - "I could have far more sex if I just asked for it. But I no longer want this kind of sex. I no longer want "willingness" as this always results in "Just Enough" sex to get by. I want a partner that WANTS to be there. I want a partner that WANTS to touch me." - "And I am waiting on her. I have been waiting for 14 years." -----
Ditto! BUT...the feelings of anxiety/anger/frustration can ONLY be salved by sexual connection. You have to start somewhere! Grab yourself by the nads and have the "I want us to be close and have a strong M so I need sex 3 times per week to retain feelings of affection and my sanity" talk. You may not like having to do it, but having sex will break down your feelings of resentment toward your W so you can begin to connect.
Waiting for your W is cowardly and, frankly, doesn't work. YOU are the one who is here, not her. That means YOU are the fixer. Fix it!
(I had to admit to myself what a coward I was being, especially since I was using my kids as my excuse. So, I faced the difficulty and demeaning nature of "the talk" and went forward. In fact, we had "the talk" several times over a few weeks before settling on a solution. We're just starting our "schedule" this week.)
Don't give up until you have tried EVERYTHING! You may feel that you have, but you haven't. And you won't try until you realize that the solution is more important than your hurt. IOW, it doesn't take a man to wait on his W. It takes a man to press forward, even when he feels that he's going alone.
Good luck, buddy. I apologize if this seems harsh. I'm really on your side.
barney said: ------------- (I had to admit to myself what a coward I was being, especially since I was using my kids as my excuse. So, I faced the difficulty and demeaning nature of "the talk" and went forward. In fact, we had "the talk" several times over a few weeks before settling on a solution. We're just starting our "schedule" this week.) -------------
Damn! Awesome news!
So don't hold out. Go start a new thread. I want to hear more! Details man, details...
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Cemar, I had a thought the other morning. If you want to see progress and success, go look at my thread(s).
THIS, my friend, is what progress looks like. It is ugly as hell, isn't it.
But it is motion and...if you read long enough, lol...forward motion. It is a stop-and-start thing. Two steps forward and one step back.
It is incredibly frustrating to me but it is STILL better than what it was. There HAS to be something out there that will work for my husband and myself. We truly love each other and want to grow old together. But we are typical human beings who have pride and stubbornness to deal with as well.
Anyway, I just wanted to point out that success doesn't look so hot at first, or while you are in the middle of it. You will most likely have to deal with a lot of duty sex before you start to break on through to the other side. AND....you will have to repeatedly light the fire under your wife's arse and keep it there. These Talks are exhausting but my hope is that one day they will not be necessary. There is no other way, Cemar. You must communicate to her and force the issue and it will be ugly. That is when you will know whether there is anything salvage-able.
Right now you are dancing around the issue and masking your fear with dejectedness and hopelessness. What if you push the issue, only to discover that she won't budge and would rather lose you than become sexual, you ask?? Well that is a risk you take. We are ALL taking that risk.
Success will not come in the form of MrsCemar waking up one day and jumping your bones and continuing to do so until you draw your last breath. It just will NOT happen that way. Conflict begets change. This will sound insane but even in light of the problems I have with my H, I am still FAR happier than I have ever been in my marriage with him, honeymoon phase included.
Do you actually want help, or do you just want to lurk and make the occasional pronouncement about the fairer sex?
I would really like to know so that I can stop what seems to be a waste of my time and thought process.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Ok, some one needs to stick up for CeMar, and what he brings to the discussion and the realities of our situations. Unlike most of us, CeMar can identify what he wants, direct and quantifiable. He also is in the situation of wanting desire, not just sex. This might be alien to some on here, or could sound ‘greedy’. But to those in that situation I can definitely relate. Based on the responses to my threads this isn’t that uncommon.
Can most of you list what is wrong and what you would like without getting hung up in hyperbole, or just saying ‘more sex’. How do you know if you got it until you know what ‘it’ is for you. I could see how this comes off as a list of demands or conditions, don’t beat up on a guy for being weak and then chastise him for ‘listing demands’.
The fundamental problem many of us have is we would bluff with our relationships, in other words we either aren’t ready or never will tell someone we love to do this or I’m leaving.
Does this leave the other person in control, of sex yes but not of the relationship?
I find it hard to believe that LD women are doing it out of control as some kind of power play, it might be we are just saddled with a woman who fundamentally will never meet our levels of desire, as I said before is willing without wanting enough?
I have 'stuck up' for Cemar on many occasions. So have others here.
The frustration with Cemar is that there has been NO DETECTABLE MOVEMENT. The man might as well be a statue.
Glass (considered a liquid by the way) moves faster than Cemar :-)
No offense intended to anyone, including Cemar, but if he is not going to act after all the time that has transpired, and all the advice he has been given by others, then it is time to stop trying - at least for me.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
