WOW!!! ... It's really great to hear some from ole friends.
Have I tried everything? ... yes and no. Yes you guys are right that I have tried every technique there is to try to draw her closer with only limited success ... and why only limited success. Because I turely thinks she believes I will always be there for her and that whenever she wants I will accept her back.
Have I tried anything to try to break that perception. No ... because a part of me believed it as well. I was ready, to convince her I'm willing to walk away. Andy, I know you are familar with the turning point in Matilda's sitch. That's two years ago, and since then, I've always have that in the back of my mind, because I have felt that's something I need to do with CAW. I just could not find the strength for that type of resolve and be able to follow through with it if it turned for the worst.
... but I know I'm ready now. Andy, I haven't given up. I'm just at the point of accepting whatever choice CAW's decides about our future. What I do now is for myself.
On that note, during the summer I started reading Dobson's "Love Must be Tough", but only got 50 pages in then stopped due mostly to be distracted by other things. Last night, I picked it up again and the next two chapters pertained to exactly where I'm at for this last week ... yes the end of the second chapter ended with the famous (or infamous depending on your POV) Dobson letter. It all felt so right for me ... given CAW's fondness for the written word for expressing feelings rather than talking about them and I have never ever wrote to her ... and given that letter of her she wrote back in May that kept surfacing for three months ... it all plays right into my fascination for irony ... I just can not leave alone the poetic justice in this ... this I do for me... so I stayed up to 4:30 in the morning writing this letter...
Dear CAW, Its only recently that I have come to realize how important your fondness of the written word is to you and I have come to regret never writing to you my most inner thoughts before now.
Last Thursday had really opened my eyes and made me see what I had refused to accept for the last three years. Now I feel like such a fool for not considering your pleas of wanting no more of our marriage. All I knew was how much I loved you and I guess I just wanted to believe in that silly notion that “Love can conquer all.” I see the absurdity of that now.
You have asked many times over, “Why do you love me?” I don’t think I was ever able to explain it to you before, but with the clarity I have now, I think I can explain it pretty simply. My love for you came from me knowing how important I became to your life. You were the first person to ever show me just how important I was to you and you had such a sweet, endearing way of going about it. For some time, your were the only one I ever felt that way about until I let D19 and D11 into my heart as well … and knowing how important I once meant to you had kept me steadfast through all our most difficult times and never once waned. While I’m guilty for a time of not showing my love for you, the way I should have, it doesn’t mean I ever loved you any less. Thursday, after inviting me and knowing I would be there to pick up D11 … to force me to see his presence in your home, it came through loud and clear to me, I am no longer an important person to you and for the first time in twenty-four years, in that instance … I no longer felt that love for you.
So where do we go from here? I really don’t know! I have mentioned to you before that the direction you are taking would lead to you crossing a line where I can no longer say what I think will become of us. CAW, you have crossed that line. I can no longer say with any certainty if you decided to change your mind and come back, I would be willing. In fact, as much as you wish to remain friends, I cannot see myself being your friend. I never again want to experience the gamut of emotions I did when looking upon “him” as I did on Thursday. Although I tried Monday evening, I don’t wish to ever step foot into that apartment again. Ohhh, how I will miss you, but as painful as that will feel, it is far less than being reminded of how I’m no longer all that important to you anymore…
So where does that leave us? I wish no animosity towards you and now letting you know how I feel, I will leave it up to you to lead in however you wish our future to develop. Bear in mind, what should be of importance is making sure this has the least painful impact on D11. I would like to see our current arrangement pertaining to D11’s custody and financial support continue as is. If you wish for a divorce, I have no problem granting it, other than I will need some time to save the money to start the proceedings. If at some point you wish to come back, then I guess we will need to talk. I make no promises however. I’m doing everything possible now to remove you from my heart to spare myself any more pain and it won’t be easy, but I need to do this for myself. You were my only love – the only one I ever wanted, but as the song goes… “That was yesterday…” Wishing you all the best, KAW
Now this is NOT another attempt of me DBing. This is NOT a last ditch effort to get her to change her mind. I'm doing this for me. This is my version of standing up for myself, but in a way she has never seen before from me ... and like Mattie ... this is my way of saying I've had all I can take. I'm not giving up. I'm leaving the choice all up to her from here on out and I will accept whatever she decides and work from there towards what is best for me and D11. I know now I'm ready to do this and move on from here...
I intend to give her the letter Friday night when I pick D11 for the weekend. Of course, your input is always welcome.
