I hear what you are saying, and I agree. Think he was appeasing me because he felt I had pulled away so much he was afraid I would leave. I honestly think he feels there is not much wrong with our sex life. He does get semi hard, enough for penetration, but if I move too much during that its no good, kwim? Also there are only 2 positions he can even maintain the semi erect state, from behind and with me on my side and him between me sideways. Neither of these do anything for me. I don't know how to say to him that all this does nothing for me. He has really tried to do some nice things for me, and has stopped a couple of nasty behaviors which I am grateful for and appreciative of. I don't want to squelch the tiny little bit of progress we have made, but the fact remains.............. I want sex
Any ideas on a tactful way of conveying to him he has got to get this checked would be greatly appreciated.
Last night after dinner he told me he and the doggies had been xmas shopping. After a little discussion I found out he had been shopping for me. Now, we had decided earlier in the month we would not give each other xmas gifts due to his lack of work and the lack of finances, so I was a little upset, but thanked him. He wanted me to open the one card last night. It was a certificate to a nail salon for a manicure and pedicure. I have not been in like a year to have my hands and feet done there and he knows I like it alot. Then he asked me when my appt was to get my waxing, which I told him I had canceled it, again, due to funds availability. He then wanted me to open the other card which was $$$ for that and made me call the salon and get my appt back. Lord he can be such a nice guy when he really wants to be. I truely appreciate it all. I have been having some pain in my shoulder and asked him if he would massage it for me. I tried to get him to do it with me lying on the bed, lol, no dice. After that I thanked him and thanked him again for the certificates. He said he knows I enjoy those, which I replied, I also enjoy passionate encounters with you ..... all he said was....... well ummmmmmm maybe this weekend.
I so know where you're coming from...and unfortunately all I can advise you to do is simply talk to him and tell him what you just said to me in your post. That's what I had to do with my H.
I was so nervous/frightened to tell him what I really felt (about him doing things he knows turns me off when I'm trying to get things going) and other things that really pretty much bared my soul to him...my heart was POUNDING out of my chest and I told him so.
I explained that neither of us should have to walk on egg-shells because we don't want to hurt the others feelings or risk pissing the other off. I literally told him that in my minds-eye I could see him getting pissed off and walking out the door if I told him what I really wanted. Fortunately for me he said "No way, that would never happen!"
I too was very concerned about stunting the progress my H had made...I mean he really seemed to be making efforts too. But in reality they were pretty small, easy efforts for him to make...not really the type of efforts I needed of him. You know...spending more time with me, more time with our son, trying to help out more around the house, and touching me occasionally....but nothing sexual to speak of. I told him exactly what I just described...and thanked him for the efforts he was making, recognized the efforts and told him I was really proud of him for doing those things. But that the one thing I really needed of him, he still wasn't doing. I was still having to be the one to initiate everything, and then he'd do things that he knew turned me off sexually.
I had to explain to him one more time that I'm a very sexual person. No that doesn't mean I crave sex 24-7, or that I even want it everyday...but when I'm not having my physical needs met it certainly would appear that's what I want. I assured him that if he'd just make the effort to have scheduled nights he'd see the difference in me.
We ended up having a very frank conversation...very non-threatening, non-argumentative....just open and honest. Now granted, my H doesn't have ED....although for a long period I do believe he suffered from it, but I now know that was stress related. My point is...you've got to come clean with him on how this makes you feel, how it really does affect you, and how much it would mean to you if he'd really have things checked out.
Yes, your ranting makes sense. I guess I was searching for a way to convey this to him without hurt. Maybe there is no way to do that.
I have a feeling he will say something like he won't get it checked because of all the heart medications he takes, viagra will not be an option. I think in his minds eye he feels there is nothing he can do. I can only hope that by talking to him, maybe he will go get it checked out.
I have thought about our situation for years and cannot help feeling his sexual problems come from control issues. He cannot simply lay back and let me pleasure him. I get alot of my pleasure from making him arroused and he just can't seem to let me do that. Any control I have whatsoever he squelches.
If anyone else has idea about this, please, speak up
I spent a lot of time trying to avoid hurting my H's feelings as well...not, not years like you, we haven't been married nearly as long as some on here have, but still quite a bit of time.
One thing I've learned though when trying to communicate to my H about sex (and not hurt his feelings) is that I cannot go out of my way to not hurt his feelings...if what I have to say is honest and truthful then I can't really help if it hurts him...he will get over that, or it won't hurt him as bad as you fear it will (which has been the case for me).
When I've tried to avoid hurting him I've ended up doing nothing but sending him mixed signals...which I think in the long-run made him think I didn't really think the problem was that big of a deal. Then if I'd finally get upset enough that I'd explode...he'd get confused and probably thought I was hormonal.
Moral to this story? Don't sugar coat it. Be honest and forthright in your conversation...maybe if you need to tell him you want to pick a night to have a conversation you've been needing to have for quite some time. "No honey, I'm not leaving you but we have some serious issues in our R that we need to really discuss and seriously address." Now, if he's anything like my H...you may end up having the conversation right then.
When it came to the point of finally getting my H to the Dr or a C...I had to call him on the carpet telling him his choice of action for solving our problem was "inaction"...and that wasn't acceptable. The problem hadn't magically fixed itself by his course of "inaction" since it was brought up and I couldn't fix it on my own...so obviously we needed to seek professional advise...be it a Dr. or a C.
You may ask your H why he won't go to a Dr. about his ED...what's he afraid of? That they will find a problem? Or that they won't be able to help? Regardless of which it is...isn't it worth having it checked out just because you, the woman he loves and married, are concerned about it and have requested he do this for his own health? That's kind of the approach I had to take to have my H get to a Doc. and have a thorough physical and lab-workup.
For him I had to take the approach of "let's rule out any physical problems. Then if there's nothing physically out of whack we'll go to a C, because if nothing else I need help with learning how to deal with this situation." Of course I knew full well that any C we might talk to was going to see that my H had a gammet of R issues from the past...but it was my way of getting him to someone to talk.
It's a long freakin process I know...but it's what I had to do.
I hope any of this is helpful to you. I hate that your H has ED and won't get checked out...there are so many things that it could be that could be easily fixed for him and it must be so frustrating that he simply won't go.
Would you like me to come hog-tie him? Then we could throw him in the car and drag him off to his Dr.?
You have given me alot to think about and ponder. Unfortunately no conversation about this will take place tonight, we are having company for dinner. Thanks for all your advice. Comments from others will be appreciated.
Your exchange of notes has given me some things to think about as well. My W seems to use the same thought process as annette's H, which seems to be something like: "the doctor may find something wrong. If so, I probably won't want to do what the doctor suggests to fix it. So, I just won't go. My spouse won't leave me over something like [the problem], so maybe it will fix itself in time." As GEL said, inaction... the universal solution to difficult problems. Ugh!!
Re paxil withdrawal: Please inform her clearly of what is happening to her. I would suggest you go to the site I mentioned and print out that info for her. I would not expect much help from her doctor! Doctors often don't know these things. Consult the doc, by all means, but I think y'all are going to have to do this yourselves. I would expect the worst part of the withdrawal to take at least a month. But to be totally free of it... that article said it might take a year. Sorry! PLEASE PLEASE RESEARCH THIS AND BECOME INFORMED. The withdrawal from paxil was one of the most physically unpleasant things that ever happened to me.
..... all he said was....... well ummmmmmm maybe this weekend. 
