Yesterday, after dinner, W was feeling blah. She said something like, "I can't wait to be off all of these pills so I'm not so tired and icky." I took the opportunity to start a "catch all" discussion.
We talked about weaning her off Paxil CR (my suggestion: cut the doses in half for 2 weeks and then take half dose every other day for 2 weeks). We talked about her lack of motivation for just about everything. We talked about sex.
The following is paraphrased from memory: W: "I'm so tired." M: "yeah you seem to be tired all the time." W: "like a walking zombie" M: "I guess we're going to bed too late all the time." W: "nah I'm tired because I've been sick and these stupid Paxil pills don't help." M: "oh. well, I know I always bring this up, but it's been a while since we had sex. sometimes I think you want sleep more than anything so we don't get to ML." W: "I told you, you can always initiate something if you want to." M: "I know, you've said that before, and that's good to know. But, when I always initiate, it doesn't make me feel like you want me." W: (sarcastically) "ohhh yeah, like I don't want sex. please, you know I enjoy it once I get going." M: "yes, but I want to know that you desire me in some way, and I don't get that from you." W: "ohh honey, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I have no motivation these days." M: "you need motivation to have sex with me? that doesn't sound right." W: "it's not just sex, it's everything right now. I don't know what's wrong. I think it's these stupid pills." M: "well, I could give you some motivation but I'd prefer if you could find it somehow on your own. Maybe sometime in the next year." W: "a year?? oh yeah, but I'll just be 300 pounds by then. it will happen one day." (lowers head) M: (hugging W) "of course sooner would be good." W: "even my mom said that I don't seem happy. I am happy most of the time." M: "well you don't seem happen to me either. you don't act happy." W: "really, I am." (long pause) (sigh) M: "you want motivation? well, it hasn't been easy living with you for the past year. Really, sometimes I don't feel like you even want me around or like you have no time for me." W: (long pause) "I know and I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. maybe I should go to a psychiatrist like my doctor suggested so he can figure me out." M: "maybe that would be a good idea." W: "we better get the kids to bed - it's late." M: "OK"
So, that was more or less the 15 minute catch-all conversation in the kitchen last night. At bedtime, W initiated in her usual way (porn + massager) and I followed along, finding the right spots with my lips/tongue on her body. When she said, "I want you inside of me," I decided that I'd do something different. Time to break that same old same old mold. So, it was nice... and we cuddled for 5 minutes afterwards, which is not typical.
You should be really proud of you W for actually brining up a psychiatrist...she's recognizing that something's wrong, but she doesn't know exactly what. Or perhaps she does know, but she'd be more comfortable talking to a psychiatrist (it's a safer feeling) than you. Plus a 3rd party would be able to be more objective for her than you could be.
As for the motivation thing...I can tell you from my own past experience that when you're "blah" as she seems to be motivation is a problem in every aspect of your life...it's not personal towards you, she just doesn't have the ooomph to do anything. I know what that feels like and it's no fun! The Paxil could be a contributing factor to this...but if she has issues she needs to deal with...then she needs to talk to someone too.
Sounds like she's wanting to work on things...she admits she likes sex with you, that's a lot further than many people are on this board...so take heart in that.
It really sounds to me like there's a great deal of hope for the two of you
I have to agree with GEL, it sounds like it was a good convo. Your W was willing to admit that there are problems, that she doens't feel well, and she knows she needs help in dealing with them. I too know all too well how hard it is to take that first step. Sometimes even the second, third, forth...I know it would be much easier if I knew there was someone who cared about me watching over me. Not pushing, but just there with a steadying hand when I reached out for it.
Be there for her, be strong without pushing (and if you figure out where the line is, let me know, huh? ) and keep at it.
Good luck. It looks like you two are on a good course. I hope it only gets better for you!!
GEL & FF: one conversation is often the starting point for good things, right? I just have to keep speaking up about what I observe and let W make her own conclusions. I'll let you know where the line goes and how much pushing I need to do. Thanks for the encouragement.
Chris, I was on Paxil for a while and had a very hard time coming off of it. I would suggest you go to Google and type in "paxil withdrawal" and read everything you see. She MUST taper off VERY gradually. The schedule you suggested may be too fast. Some people switch to the liquid while they are coming off it, so they can taper gradually. I was halving and quartering pills, and even then had major anxiety attacks near the end of the tapering-off period. It was a LONG time before I felt normal again. I am unusually sensitive to medication, so maybe she won't have a hard time. Do research it on your own.
P.S. I remember when I was on it saying to my therapist, "I can't imagine falling in love while on this drug because it doesn't seem possible to have strong emotions while taking it."
Lil: was it Paxil or Paxil CR? W is on Paxil CR, which is supposed to be "easier" to wean off of. Of course "easier" varies from person to person. I will be looking at what to expect. Thanks for the suggestion.
Hmm... I wonder what they define as "abrupt" stoppage - probably cold turkey. W already had some of the symptoms before this weaning period (dizziness, abnormal dreams, nausea and sweating). I guess I'll see how it goes.
Last night, W and I had a good time. The restaurant was packed with people, which is unusual for 5PM. We enjoyed soup, salad, and bread while talking about our jobs and friends at work. We enjoyed dinner while talking about family and the holidays. We talked in the car. We talked in the movie theater. We talked at home. Can you see a pattern/theme?
When we got to bed (an early 10:30PM), I waited to see how W was feeling. She didn't complain about being tired or achey or anything. I waited 30 minutes, hoping that W would initiate some LM. Didn't happen. So, I snuggled in close to her, kissed her cheek, etc. After a few minutes, I initiated LM differently than usual, and W liked it. It was nice. We talked a little afterwards and got to sleep by 12:30AM.
So, date night turned out well. I had the urge to start a deep conversation about "us" and the M, but I didn't. I let the evening be light and fun.
) and keep at it.
