Yesterday, after dinner, W was feeling blah. She said something like, "I can't wait to be off all of these pills so I'm not so tired and icky." I took the opportunity to start a "catch all" discussion.
We talked about weaning her off Paxil CR (my suggestion: cut the doses in half for 2 weeks and then take half dose every other day for 2 weeks). We talked about her lack of motivation for just about everything. We talked about sex.
The following is paraphrased from memory: W: "I'm so tired." M: "yeah you seem to be tired all the time." W: "like a walking zombie" M: "I guess we're going to bed too late all the time." W: "nah I'm tired because I've been sick and these stupid Paxil pills don't help." M: "oh. well, I know I always bring this up, but it's been a while since we had sex. sometimes I think you want sleep more than anything so we don't get to ML." W: "I told you, you can always initiate something if you want to." M: "I know, you've said that before, and that's good to know. But, when I always initiate, it doesn't make me feel like you want me." W: (sarcastically) "ohhh yeah, like I don't want sex. please, you know I enjoy it once I get going." M: "yes, but I want to know that you desire me in some way, and I don't get that from you." W: "ohh honey, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I have no motivation these days." M: "you need motivation to have sex with me? that doesn't sound right." W: "it's not just sex, it's everything right now. I don't know what's wrong. I think it's these stupid pills." M: "well, I could give you some motivation but I'd prefer if you could find it somehow on your own. Maybe sometime in the next year." W: "a year?? oh yeah, but I'll just be 300 pounds by then. it will happen one day." (lowers head) M: (hugging W) "of course sooner would be good." W: "even my mom said that I don't seem happy. I am happy most of the time." M: "well you don't seem happen to me either. you don't act happy." W: "really, I am." (long pause) (sigh) M: "you want motivation? well, it hasn't been easy living with you for the past year. Really, sometimes I don't feel like you even want me around or like you have no time for me." W: (long pause) "I know and I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. maybe I should go to a psychiatrist like my doctor suggested so he can figure me out." M: "maybe that would be a good idea." W: "we better get the kids to bed - it's late." M: "OK"
So, that was more or less the 15 minute catch-all conversation in the kitchen last night. At bedtime, W initiated in her usual way (porn + massager) and I followed along, finding the right spots with my lips/tongue on her body. When she said, "I want you inside of me," I decided that I'd do something different. Time to break that same old same old mold. So, it was nice... and we cuddled for 5 minutes afterwards, which is not typical.
