Warning: this is just me being sensitive or stupid or whiney. Please excuse my mood.
Quote: ...anything proceeding out of the mouth of a person involved daily in one of the most pervasive self serving activities on the planet (an affair), is likely a lie. You can't believe anything coming out of the mouth of someone directly involved in a lie.
That was written by NOP on another thread. It really speaks to how I feel a lot of the time. Why? Because I was involved in an EA+. It was a stupid and childish thing for me to do. I have forgiven myself for it and cut off all contact with OW for a year already, and yet... sometimes I wonder if my W says she forgives me and doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if that EA+ is going to be blamed for my M problems forever more.
Why do I add the + to the EA? Well, it has to do with erotic activity via voicemail and phone, plus the physical stuff that happened when we were together. I used to leave sexy voicemail for OW, sometimes describing my MB to her or telling her what I'd like to do to her. When OW and I were physically together (all 5-6 days a year for 2 years), we kissed and hugged and held hands and cuddled and talked for hours. So, if you were wondering about the +, there's the reasoning behind it.
For the past year, I have given my W few reasons to doubt my sincerity in trying to have a better M. I have told her that I miss her several times. I have talked with her about helping her to enjoy sex more. I have been a wonderful father for the kids.
Now it's time to talk until I'm blue in the face about everything in the M, our lives, and the future. I suppose I'll always wear a scarlett letter for that EA+, but the past cannot be changed. The future is whatever we make of it.
Of course, according to NOP, I could be lying. You'll never know, will you? You'll never know if anything I type is the truth or just my twisted version of it. Does it matter, though? If you don't like me or my story, just tune out. If you do, then please do keep sharing.
