FWIW, there is a guy in WA named John Gottman who has run a M research clinic for 20+ years. He writes about avoiding "harsh start-up" in communicating. His research shows that the first 3 minutes determines the emotional level (good or bad) that the conversation will reach.
IOW, if one starts a convo complaining about what is wrong, there is no way that it will end on a positive note. OTOH, if one looks past the complaint/problem and starts with an expression of how much they miss their S, the convo won't get ugly, no matter what.
In my case, it's telling my W how much I still miss her. You see, several months ago, I had a talk with her that started with me saying, "I miss you." She was surprised by that opening statement and asked what I meant. I went on to say that I realized we were not as close as we used to be, that I wanted to be closer, and that I knew it would take time. She agreed and said that she wasn't sure what we could do. We said that we'd try to "work on it."
IMO, the fact that I'm still missing her is evidence that my W hasn't made much of an effort.
CeM: I don't start talking after 9PM unless the next day is not a work day. I learned this after my W fell asleep a few times during our late-night talks.
I hope my post didn't come across as if I was saying that someone was doing something wrong. I apologize if it did.
One example Gottman uses is if a W is upset that her H spends too much time at work. Rather than telling him, "You never spend time with me anymore. You're always at work!" she might say, "I saw a commercial where a couple was taking a walk together and it make me remember how much I enjoyed spending time with you. I miss not (fill in the blank with your former hobby/time together) with you like we used to."
The first way would start a fight that the convo wouldn't recover from. The second would create a connection and set a goal to work together toward. At least, that's Gottman's position.
The example that you quote does not work well in my particular M sitch, where we have 2 young children whom are quite demanding for our time until they're asleep. It's a little difficult for me to say, "I miss not (fill in the blank with former hobby/time together) with you like we used to" and get any reaction from my W besides something like, "Well I'm so tired after (fill in the blank with day-long activity such as chasing/arguing with/appeasing the children) that I just want to (fill in the blank with W's current hobby to relax - currently, crocheting)."
What is Gottman's position on speaking to a W post-children, when she's a mom 1st and a spouse 2nd? I will never be a mother, so I'll never know/understand the connection that a mother feels to the children that grew inside of her and depended on her from day 1 for life. I chose my W, but my children did not, and therefore, they get special treatment.
I'm looking to reconnect with my W, but I fear that the connection will be even more difficult to achieve than the one that brought us to M. I still have hope. It's just fading a little these days.
Despite how I feel about the M, my W still turns me on when she gets all dressed up for work and looks "professional." I have to remember that I can't distract her AT ALL in the mornings because she's rushing to get out of the house by 7:30AM. Anyway, I think this "turn on" thing happens more when it's been 2+ weeks since LM (and, not that I count or keep track or anything, but it's been 18 days).
Does that explain why when I'm hurried to a meeting H desides to have an endeering conversation or give me a hug?
I was so angry with this. I thought he was doing things when he knew it was safe and I was no threat to him because of the commitment I was dashing to.
A bit like he'll hold my hand in public, which I thought was a show of "arm deco" and again "safe" (I'm not really big on PDA) for he won't walk holding hands or arm around me back from the barn or pool in our own yard.
Last edited by Liese; 12/02/0403:38 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Interesting. I've long noticed that my wife has no problem giving me a nice, full kiss on the mouth in the MORNING -- when I'm "safely" going off to work -- but will NEVER give me such a kiss at NIGHT, when I'm a threat to.... um... to ....
I'm sorry, it's been so long that I can't remember what it was that I used to be threatening about.
Personally I aim to be a "clear and present danger." What really offends me is when I don't make it on to H's radar. BTW - he does seem to like the "all dressed up for a meeting" look also - which leads me to, hhhmmmm.
Thanks for the ideas.
Anyway, I think this "turn on" thing happens more when it's been 2+ weeks since LM (and, not that I count or keep track or anything, but it's been 18 days).