No, she doesn't HP. I've been thinking about what I want and weighing options and trying to figure out how not to sound like an ass when I tell her what I want. I know what I want now. I've got the "speaking from the ME point-of-view" down pat. Finding that "right time" to talk is tricky. Mornings are dicey - with the mad rush to get ready for work and get out of the house. Evenings are nearly as bad - the mad rush to get dinner ready + get the kids to bed takes a lot of energy. After the kids are asleep is about the only time that I have, and that's the time just before bed - not exactly the best time to be talking about weighty issues.
Anyway, I could make excuses like most people, but I won't. This year has taught me a lot about myself and a lot about my W. Next year is the year that I need to see some changes for the better in my M. Otherwise, I may be unable to continue in it.
Indeed, there is never a good time for me to wake W up from her "dreamy life." Then she'd have to face unpleasant tasks, such as changing. We all know change is difficult. Now, if I were a selfish bastard, I'd be asking for things like dinner 5 nights a week and peace and quiet while she put the kids to sleep and weekends where I could actually sit and watch a football game in its entirety while she wrangled kids. Instead, I want my basic needs to be met and not ignored. Heh, that doesn't sound too difficult, does it? *sigh*
I think you may be potentially stumbling into something that Honeypot and I have been discussing...and that is tiptoeing around our spouse.
Honeypot and I are a bit afraid to really expose the "real us" to our H's because we're afraid they'll be freaked out or think we're weird because we want what we want...when in reality we're both really great women, with absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
I've come to a recent revelation in my R with my H and that's this...I'm going to say what I need/want in a calm, matter of fact, non agressive manner. Listen to his input if he has any...and then be more than willing to discuss. If I say something and he doesn't have the response I'd like and he gets pissed off...oh well. Now I know what I need is out in the open. I've communicated it clearly, and he's heard me.
It's all too easy to sit back and wait, and wait, and wait for the right time to come along to discuss something...we all know that rarely comes along, especially with kids. So in your case...it sounds like you're going to have to let your W know you want to have a serious discussion and perhaps schedule the time (after the kids go to bed)...maybe get a sitter and go to a park...something like that.
It's also easy to try to over think the situation and try to think of ways to phrase something so you don't hurt their feelings, or piss them off. This may sound callouse, but you know what? Say what you have to say, try to use "I" sentences...if it hurts their feelings or pisses them off so be it. As long as what you are saying is truthful and not intentionally hurtful get it out in the open. Once again, use a calm tone, non accusatory...non threatening (which I think you already know).
Open, honest communication is CRITICAL to a good relationship. This is one of the most valuable lessons I've learned this past year. At least now I know my H and I are starting the New Year with a whole new perspective compared to last year
You'd be amazed how many of us there are out there I actually found out my next door neighbor, whom I've recently beocome friends with is in pretty much the same situation I'm in. You could have blown me over when she confided in me LOL.
One more woman out there who has a husband with a lower SD than hers. AAAAAGGGHH
Anyway...I digress. We're all here to help Chris and I'd be happy to share my war stories...but I'm hoping that soon I can be doing more romancing than fighting, that's the direction we're finally heading But it's taken A LOT of work this past year, on both of our parts to be fair (even though it's felt mostly on my part...to me anyway.)
"War stories" are always good for comiseration. I have a bunch of those myself (probably not as interesting as yours though). I have a feeling that there are lots more to come in the next year.
One of the questions I have for myself is... what way is best for "bringing things up" with my W? I could approach her with "I" statements, carefully worded so that they do not sound like attacks on her. I could ask her open-ended questions (such as, "are you really happy with our life right now, or do you just have no time/energy to work on being happy?") and see what her reaction is, expecting that I'll have to answer these questions myself. I could give her some ideas to think about for a week and then revisit them with her, after we've both thought about them. Can you tell me what's worked for you?
I'm not GEL, but I hope you don't mind if I jump in. First, I think maybe the 'attack' thing is something that is going to come up no matter what - think how you'd feel if the tables were turned. If you can stay calm, and make the setting comfortable, be on the same level, not 'looking down' on W, it should help. Don't start with what I did last night, start small (H and I ahve had several such talks previous to last nights).
It helped last night that I could start by picking up on an earlier convo, and asked him to clarify something he said. I think this made H a little more comfortable - I was showing an interest in something he said. Don't 'expect' answers, don't even 'expect' any kind of result - W may be too overwhelmed to even comment. Give her a chance to, though, if she wants, and listen carefully, validate what she says.
I've found that going over what I want to say beforehand keeps me calm, and helps me to figure out how to say things with minimum 'attack' content.
I have the hardest time bringing things up with my H. The real tough stuff he doesn't like at all and this summer, when I wanted to talk about the OW and lies, all he would do is tell me to leave him alone. I stopped bringing up anything for a while and began conversations with light hearted chit chat. I still do this but then when my H says something that sought of touches on some of our issues, I take it to the next level and pursue it. Last night, my H was in a really good mood. He apparently had accidently (or maybe not) got onto this board and started to read some of the postings. He brought up anal S and asked me was SSM means. This conversation lead to a lot of other topics about S. We were able to talk about what makes each of us feel good. Then the coversation went on to how we should paint the living room ( a topic that always made us fight), then later my H made a critical comment of how I always want to talk and that all women are nuts. I took offense to it but didn't blow up. I merely said that we spent a lot of time complaining about what each of us did wrong, how about we focus on what we do right. He seemed happy with that. Most of the time I do not bring up our R or my needs. I decided I would bring one up at a time and when my H sort of gives me a door in. I have many things that I would like to see different but instead of giving my H a long list which may seem unreasonable, I bring one thing up at time. Otherwise I sound like I am complaining. A few nights ago this was not the case. I was bothered by how many withdrawals he was making and it didn't sit well with all my existing insecurities and our trust issues. I didn't beat around the bush and got right to the point. I did however make sure that the kids were in bed. He started to tell me to leave him alone and I told him that I listened to him this summer and probably for the first time really listened, now it's my turn. To my surprise he accepted that and I was able to tell him how I feel.Amazingly he was receptive to hearing me. I decided that never a good time wasn't a good time for me and there was just things I had to get off of my mind. Most of the time now, I more or less wait for a cue from my H and there are some everyday, but sometimes they are suttle. The last few conversations were initiated by my H and I was able to add a few things that bothered me and were related. I know you may be waiting for a while but if there was one thing I learned through all this was patience is a must. My goal is to not just exist with my H but to find each other again. You mentioned earlier liking the warm fuzzies. I like S too by like you, like the warm fuzzies with it. Something I have been missing for a long time.
Do not try to bring up tough subjects right before bedtime. When two people are exhusted is NOT a good time to bring up something new and stressful. You must get her alone, earlier in the evenings. Go out on a date ALONE to talk about it.
