I think you may be potentially stumbling into something that Honeypot and I have been discussing...and that is tiptoeing around our spouse.
Honeypot and I are a bit afraid to really expose the "real us" to our H's because we're afraid they'll be freaked out or think we're weird because we want what we want...when in reality we're both really great women, with absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
I've come to a recent revelation in my R with my H and that's this...I'm going to say what I need/want in a calm, matter of fact, non agressive manner. Listen to his input if he has any...and then be more than willing to discuss. If I say something and he doesn't have the response I'd like and he gets pissed off...oh well. Now I know what I need is out in the open. I've communicated it clearly, and he's heard me.
It's all too easy to sit back and wait, and wait, and wait for the right time to come along to discuss something...we all know that rarely comes along, especially with kids. So in your case...it sounds like you're going to have to let your W know you want to have a serious discussion and perhaps schedule the time (after the kids go to bed)...maybe get a sitter and go to a park...something like that.
It's also easy to try to over think the situation and try to think of ways to phrase something so you don't hurt their feelings, or piss them off. This may sound callouse, but you know what? Say what you have to say, try to use "I" sentences...if it hurts their feelings or pisses them off so be it. As long as what you are saying is truthful and not intentionally hurtful get it out in the open. Once again, use a calm tone, non accusatory...non threatening (which I think you already know).
Open, honest communication is CRITICAL to a good relationship. This is one of the most valuable lessons I've learned this past year. At least now I know my H and I are starting the New Year with a whole new perspective compared to last year
