IMO, I generally do not think most women intentionally go this root. For me I was career minded and very ambitious. When I found out I was pregnant with my first of 3 kids, I wasn't all tickled pink. I think my H was happier than me. I remember saying "I will take a 6 week maternity leave and back I go". Well....that all changed after the birth of my D who is now 6. The love for a child is amazing and we want to do everything possible to nuture that child so that they grow up knowing that they are loved. During this process, many women do forget their H's. I'm not saying it's right but it happens. What also happened to me was the feeling that no one was good enough to take care of my children. Both Grandma's are gone and it was hard leaving them. Then there's the figure issue. I was always in good shape and liked to dress up for my H. Well after gaining 40lbs I didn't fit into those sexy nighties any more and felt pretty bad. It wasn't until I lost the weight that I regained some of my confidence. My point is that there's more to having kids than some men think. My first child was difficult in that she always wanted to sleep in our bed. This presents another problem. All these things affected me. Then we had 2 more kids, practically back to back. Who had time or energy for S. If this wasn't enough I worked full time and forever feeling guilty for leaving them so every last minute of my "free" time was spent making up for the time I lost during the day. On top of all this I decided to go back to school (on line) but full time. Depression set in and guess where my lobido went... right out the window. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much I missed S and my H, and now that I have pretty much lost all the weight I gained, I feel more into it. S became boring, like it was rehearsed. I wanted new and exciting and so did my H..Different places and without kids to interfere or interrupt. It's difficult to be a S goddess in your home when all you are reminded of is work. Romance plays such a big part in women's desire to have S. I also understand my H's needs now too. It took a disaster for me to learn and understand all this. I now that my H is pretty content with having average S and if I can have exciting S once in a while then we have both pleased each other. I had to read a lot to get all kinds of new ideas. I think my H is really enjoying it though. I read some where that men are like a pile of dried leaves..they catch on fire quickly and that women are like coal. We smolder for a while but once we get going we are on fire and keep going. I also read that men cannot live without that release or they physically get sick. That's why many MB. Women could technically live without S and not get sick ( that doesn't mean they want to). It just goes to show how different men and women are. It actually amazes me.
Thank you. It took a lot of effort, patience, and hope to get to this point. I don't think I'm ready for the success stories yet. It has only been just about 2 months of getting better and I would still like my H to put his wedding ring back on and delete the OW phone # from his cell phone...phone book. I know he doesn't call her any more but it bothers me that it's there. It would tell me that he has let go completely. Thanks again!
Now is that you singing to your W or your W singing to you. I know the song and it's very true and close to my sitch too. The ironic thing with me was somewhere in my subconcious I knew I was pushing my H away and sometimes I think I may have thought I wanted that. There was so much misery. It became "Fine you aren't going to help me, well I just won't give you what you want" S, love, friendship. We made each other ugly and at this point it doesn't matter who started it first, and it doesn't matter that at first, all that held us together were our kids. I truly believe that we will be okay but it's gonna still take time to heal from all this. At one point, in August, my H admitted that I hurt him. He will not say it again but he actually let his feelings show and I could see for the first time how much I really did.
Have you told your husband how much that number still being there hurts you?
Is there a specific reason he is not wearing his ring?
Is he remorseful for what he has done?
It takes a while for a wayward spouse to realize the sheer damage they have inflicted upon their spouse and family. I know that you probably don't want to push him too hard, but you do need to actively work WITH him to affair proof your marriage for the future. That of course means NO CONTACT of any sort. I would also think that would include 'fond reminders' of the affair such as cell phone entries.
Congratulations with your recovery!
In case you haven't been lurking here for very long, I hate affairs! So I am not picking on you :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
On our 15th anniversary, I made a CD for her of about 15 songs that have been favorites of ours, and that spanned the time of our relationship. Our first song that was "ours"; the one we slow-danced to at our wedding; even ones that spoke to the challenges we faced later, like this one and "All These Years" by Sawyer Brown.
Even custom-printed a label and a CD jewel case for it, complete with lyrics, and accompanying it were 8-1/2 x 11" lyrics sheets that also included my thoughts about each song, and why it meant something to me... to us.
She loved it at the time, but as far as I know, she's never listened to it since. She just doesn't seem to go for "that romantic stuff."
ok...a thought, for don't expect anything but how about a private dinner...just you and the wife. maybe get a room unknown to others for dinner?...one nite only?..if theyre not booked full that may be possible...
one councellor cautioned me not to go on a "renewal" cruise expecting honeymoon revival...for if that is your expectations you'll only be dissapointed.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I haven't been lurking here that long. I read many of your posts from time to time. You have a strong opinion on something and that's okay. My original thread is in the NewComers forum and I posted it below. My H insists he didn't have an A. I think it was an EA for sure, not sure about the PA. My H is remorseful and has apologized many times. He realizes the damage done to our kids and me. He pretty much did the night we came home from our family vacation in July. I did my fair share of snooping including hiring a PI to research OW's phone calls. They stopped contact and I feel in my heart that she is gone. I didn't feel this way in September. What I am left with is the ill feeling about my H's memories of her, how deep they are, and how long they will last. As for the wedding ring, he took it off when I told him I wanted a D in May. In many ways I started this. Even though A's are not right, what I did wasn't right either. I sent him thinking that this is it, I am leaving him, there's nothing more he could do (In his mind he tried). I can tell you that I had EA's throughout our marriage. I never acknowledged them as such and didn't realize an A is any passionate attraction that takes you away from your S or family. That's means we can have A's with our jobs, cars, hobbies, etc.... My H is human first. He was lured in by an attractive young girl who spent everyday at our house. They became friends and then something else. She knew he was down, weak, lonely, and feeling like s@#t!. He gave into it and I understand now. My MC calls A's Euphoria. There's no complaints, no nagging, no responsibility, ...In essence it's fairytale land. My H hurt me but I hurt him too. Once I made a decision to forgive him, and the decision to stay and work on our M, I freed up a lot of saddness that was in my heart. I'm not going to tell you that everything is perfect. I still have trust issues and my eyebrow still goes up once in a while. But for now, my H is doing a good job at proving to me that he is sincere. I have taken some of the responsibility for my own happiness too. I've learned that I have to think positively because when I think negatively in does me no good and gets me in trouble.
Choc, All These Years is a hard song to listen to. What a nice gift you gave her! I would be thrilled and very very touched to receive a heartfelt gift like that. My anniversary is on Thursday and I would LOVE something like that. Or a love letter. I'm sure I will get a card with a nice message in it, and nothing else. Oh well, I have already planned a celebration for us since I gleaned that he had not done so. Told him about it last night and he was so excited--both for what we are doing and because he didn't have to be involved, except to show up!
Thanks for sharing the history. It is very interesting. I am very glad you two are working through this together. As you have discovered, the answers are inside your marriage, not outside.
Marriage is hard enough with two. Adding in third parties makes it near impossible :-)
All the best! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
