Quote: Sex with W is twice a month at most, and these days, I'm just letting W initiate when she feels like it. I tried a "sex twice a week" experiment during September, and it failed to really do much for me (besides making me feel like the last 2 times W gave me "mercy sex" to appease me). I'm finding ways to drown my sex drive because I know that that's not the #1 "thing" to work on. There are tons of other issues.
I actually think S is a big issue and if sexual issues can be overcome, a lot of other issues are overcome. I know this was one of the big cases with my H and I. It's not that I did not want S. When we first met and our early years my SD was always HD. As responsibilities came along, 3 kids and life, and as my figure changed, I became extrememly tired #1 and #2 didn't feel physically confident. The drive was still there but I didn't feel like I did when I was younger. I let these things get in the way. I recently watched Lighthisfire videos. Dr. Ellen Kriedman talks a lot about the same things that Michele does but has some of her own information. Women could technically live without S (many don't want to) and not get physically sick. Men cannot live without that release or they actually get physically sick. I never knew this. Michele suggests that women do it whether they feel like it or not. This is what I would say is mercy S, or as you mention "to appease me".Many re-learn what it feels like. In the beginning we give each other lots of attention and affection. There's never a need to complain. I know there is a possibility that my H does not love me the way he used to and at first the S seemed empty but I see it slowly changing and the feelings are starting to come back.
Another thing is to go away a few times a year or at least be children free. This makes me feel better knowing that my 6,4 or 3 year old will not be visiting us in the middle of the night. I can do all those naughty things my H likes with no worries. Plus a change of scenery is good for both a man and woman. I can tell you that for at least the last 6 years I was suffering from mild depression and never really acknowledged it. Chronic stress leads to depression and both lower lobido. Now that I unloaded my schedule a little by working less and I have taken a break from school, I have more energy and feel more in the mood. I remember reading some of your other posts and mentioning that you can have an A with a job or anything else that takes you away from your R with your S. Eventually, the M just breaks down. Now that I am giving my H more attention he is starting to do more for me. I followed all these techniques in DBing and it's starting to payoff. I think I am finally free of the OW. I know my H probably thinks of her once in a while but I can tell that he is closer to me than he has been in years. Do you go to MC? I selected a male MC for my H's sake and I'm glad I did. The turning point was when my MC asked my H what feelings have to do with making a decision. I think my H was able to make a decision to either stay or go and now it seems that his feelings of anger and resentment are fading.
Unfortunately for me, my W falls into the category of women who seem to forget (or ignore?) how to be a spouse when they become a mother. With 2 children, this is more evident (to me at least) than it was with 1. Almost everything is oriented towards children first, H second (if there's energy left).
Of course my W will deny deny deny that this is the case. She doesn't see it. I don't know if anyone else sees it either. Does it really matter, though, as long as I think it or feel it? I don't make things up just for effect.
You asked about MC. The answer is no. Even though I've said many times in the past that "there's a problem" in the M, my W chooses to live in a status quo where things are bearable and OK. If I suggest MC, she asks "why? everything's fine." Deny deny deny. I haven't pushed, and I haven't thrown self-help books at her. I'm waiting for a miracle, I suppose.
Being children-free is a problem too. Since the birth of D3, the kids have not spent more than one night away from home, and that night turned into an early 6AM wake-up call from my MIL (who was watching the kids at her house) saying that D3 wanted us there immediately. Our last movie date was in May (our 12th anniversary) and our last going-out-to-dinner date was in August, and on both occasions we returned home to sleeping children who, once we settled into bed, woke up a few times to make sure that we were home. I just keep hoping that date nights get easier and more frequent as the kids get older and more self-sufficient.
At this point in time, I sound pretty pathetic. Honestly, it's more like I'm learning to exist on my own and protect my feelings as sh*t happens. I'd love to have someone excited to ML to me, excited to try new things.... but I don't and I don't know if I ever will. Time will tell.
My wife to is obsessed with 3 children. THEY are the focus of her life, NOT me. I have tried to tell her that she is the primary focus of my life and that I expect her to make me the primary focus of her life, and she just looks at me like I am some sort of idiot. I guess us guys are just supposed to take care of ourselves. What is it about LD women that makes them forget how to be a WOMEN?
Shame on you! "I have TOLD her---". Were you not a teenager and have your folks TELL you something? How did you react to their overbearance?
You see early in our relationship H and I did the "If someone had to die talk". His descision was that the kids were less valuable than the wife. For with the wife you could have more kids. BELIEVE ME that was a shocker to the nurturing woman/mother! (Looking back on it my life has been my daughter. ATM I have a slight smirk on my face. I wonder if he'd say the same now?) But I digress...
You want. Oh how you want. You seem to be jealous of your family for stealing away your wife's time from you. OK...use that to your advantage. What can you do to alleviate her schedule to allow more time for you? It won't be quick for us women have a tendency to fill up extra time with more extrainia. Keep your eyes open for this behavior saying something like "Mrs CM lets do this instead". NOT SEXUAL first...a show...a truck pull...a home improvement deco show. Fill up her time with YOU.
Pls don't TELL her. The animosity will overwhelm her and she will fight back with anger and cold.
Wouldn't you?
There is a flip side to this. After H retired he looked to me to "entertain" him 100% of his waking day. No Way could I even come close to this. How crowded out and no private time. (There is a limit to the AirForce Museum, Navy Docks, Old Forts etc you can see with being told "I turned down the other bed for you") So be realistic in the amount of attention you need.
Last edited by Liese; 11/23/0412:48 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
We're going on a 7 day cruise in April 2005 with W's family and the kids, so that will be at least a few days of "doing things together." I'm not sure if we can get away until then since we're putting all the "extra" money (haha, that's an oxymoron) into the cruise. Thanks for the suggestion though.
Actually, your sitch has a lot of similarities to mine. I have 3 children,D6,S5, &S3. All still very small and it wasn't until recently that I have been going out more. I started going out more because of DBing and what has happened to me. I think I mentioned this to you in the NewComers forum. We do not have our MIL's on either side and finding child care is tough. I had a hard time leaving them when they were babies and toddlers. My D6 made me feel God awful guilty. I also felt guilty leaving all 3 with someone since I know how tough it was when they were small. My neighbor is now almost 17 and has been helping me since she was 11. I have good child care and right next door. I can tell you that I had anxiety about leaving my kids but once I left, I was fine and enjoyed the evening. Now that my kids are easier to manage, they know I will come back and do not give me grief (only a little). I know this is where I went wrong big time. I forgot my H, but not intentionally. I worked all this time, full-time and when I came home it was more work until the kids went to bed. I was physically and mentally drained. Then to make things worse, my H has been working nights for the past 3 years until just recently. I had a breakdown this summer that lasted through the end of September. I was already on this course when I caught my H with the OW. This sent me over the edge. It's unfortunate that I had to have LCE (Life changing event) to make me realize how I have neglected my H for so long, but he neglected me too. He could have initiated or asked me to go out. He could have included me more in his life but resentments on both sides were growing and we finally shut each other out completely. I couldn't see this and I couldn't really see how miserable we both were. I knew I wasn't happy but what I never acknowledged is that I am responsible for my actions, I am responsible for my happiness, and I am partially responsible for our M breaking down. Now that we are in the recovery period, I am feeling alive again, but it took a lot to get here. I'm going to dinner with my H tonight on a whim, after work. I was like this when we first met, and that is full of life and spontaneity. It took my H to practically walk away from me for me to see this. Maybe your DBing isn't attention getting enough. I feel for you because I think you have a lot of similarities to my H. Now that our S life is better, I can see that my H's outlook is better. He is actually pretty upbeat most of the time now and for the past several weeks. I really think the S has a lot to do with it.
B, Good for you for making positive changes in your life and, consequently, your marriage. I know what you mean about the little ones. They are hard to leave...sweet little ball and chains, they are.
This song always reminded me of me and my wife's situation, and I thought of it when reading your post.
Choc.
"I Still Believe In You" Artist: Vince Gill
Everybody wants a little piece of my time But still I put you at the end of the line How it breaks my heart to cause you this pain To see the tears you cry fallin' like rain
Give me the chance to prove And I'll make it up to you
I still believe in you With a love that will always be Standing so strong and true Baby I still believe in you and me
Somewhere along the way, I guess I just lost track Only thinkin' of myself never lookin' back For all the times I've hurt you, I apologize I'm sorry it took so long to finally realize
Give me the chance to prove That nothing's worth losing you
I still believe in you With a love that will always be Standing so strong and true Baby I still believe in you and me
